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February 1992 |
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Dedication: To my mother and father for unconditional love, a disease I hope to spread to all the children of this world. Introduction: We must come together as a united planet, for if we are in war with natural resources such as water, ozone and the likes, they are not indigenous to regions, are recycled throughout the globe, and are very limited. From ozone holes worldwide, you can already expect 50 million new cases of skin cancer and a surge in blindness. To make the sun our enemy children, will be a war you will certainly lose. If mother nature calls us together, she calls to us through a single united voice. Welcome to the Institute For Critical Thought, a non-profit organization. The Institute is a non-biased center, accepting thoughts on any issue, from any person, regardless of; creed, color, religious ideals, political ideals, socio-economic status, age, and sex. In order to become a subscriber there are two processes, the purchase of the current Thought Journal and your participation in the Thought Journal. A Thought Journal, is unlike any book before it, as it is a living and growing entity, being built by all who wish to participate. The purpose of the Institute is to create an entity in which problems facing our futures, and more importantly those problems facing our children's futures, can be addressed and theorized upon by all, anonymously. The Institute providing a method for all, to express and share thoughts, globally. No rules or regulations will apply, no criticisms, just free expression. Finally, the Institute belongs to all the people of the world, yet it is intended as a donation to the children of the future. A point, where the true process of unification can begin, where together the children of the globe can solve the problems of the globe, as one. The Thought Journal begins with an intimate look into the life of Eliot Bernstein, exposed without fear of reprimand, exposed so that after reading you may feel no worry in expressing yourself. The price to access The Penny Times, A Thought Journal, is a penny for the thoughts, times the inflation rate since Jonathan Swift, in 1726, said, "A penny for your thoughts." Multiplied by .01, or, one hell of a discount. I have taken (with the help of my very dear friend James Armstrong) the average rate of the consumer price index since 12/31/1913 to 3/31/1992, 3.9%, from American Funds Group Statistical Update, and calculated it back to 1726 using a penny. The penny currently would equal $262.87, which seems absurdly expensive for your thoughts. So I have given Peoplekind a discount, and, The Penny Times, will cost $2.62 for the thoughts and the thoughts of all current subscribers. The Institute For Critical Thought requires your own thought on any subject to help our children, your participation is essential, as your thoughts count. That is for those who can afford it, if you can not afford any of these costs, just send in your thought and we will put it in. The Institute would not want to miss the thoughts of the poor, or Russians, or anyone else suffering economic plight. Each thought will be input on CD ROM laser memory of read only files and will accumulate based only on the dates scanned into memory. Each CD will then be released to major linguistics centers around the world, to be translated into all languages. If you are a subscriber of The Penny Times, you may access any or all the thoughts of all members, at any time. The Institute will be posing questions annually, to subscribers, on a variety of problems that currently plague our world, in an attempt to find solutions to help all. The problem for 1992 - 3, rapidly effecting all creatures, Ozone Holes, thoughts on ozone will be input at no charge. Within the Institute For Critical Thought, your thoughts are safe, they will not be subjected to personal criticism, or altered by the perverse process of editing. Every thought will count, as you are paying to have them entered regardless of content. Please be sure NOT to include your name or any other distinguishing factor, don't worry about grammar or spelling. Encrypt only today's date on your thought. You will be given a number with your first subscription, in the event you ever want to access all your own thoughts. Anxiously awaiting your thoughts. Warm personal regards, world unity, and world peace ~ Eliot I. Bernstein, Person. WARNING - TO READ FURTHER WITHOUT COMMITTING TO BECOMING A MEMBER OF THE INSTITUTE FOR CRITICAL THOUGHT, WITH A THOUGHT TO HELP THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD, IS A VIOLATION! February 12, 1992 An old past time to resume on this gloomy day in raining L.A. So many years have past since I wrote my personal thoughts and passions. So many twisted events have come to shape my mind, I stand crying at this cross road of my life, wondering if ever stability will reign within. Since the accident 10 years ago I have traversed the highest peaks only to fall with the force of gravity to hell. I now question my ability to pick up the pieces and climb again. You would have me believe that is an easy task. With your understanding of the past hells I've seen and been part of, you probably think I should have gained knowledge and strength for my next journey. The question pulling at me now is do I have the courage, the will and the energy to overcome. Most lives and minds are not quite as tired as mine feel, at such a youthful age, but I, as you know seem to have lived one hundred years of experience. Am I experiencing the same lack of will one encounters in old age? Have I given up the fight, to conform and be accepted, after a life of being rejected. Afraid of the total rejection of the past, I have chosen to conform for acceptance, and in the process my spirit has weakened. I have been modified to act for acceptance within a society that could not tolerate my deviance. You have missed this transformation, yet my actions are evidence, and it is from these that I conclude that if I do not fight for my intrinsic nature, my purpose here will have ceased. A mental suicide, more harmful and pathetic than the act. My rebellion tamed, I am uncertain of my power to overcome, afraid of the loss of what I have conformed to receive. Hitting a car carrier at 70 MPH, having a few Cadillac's on my head, broken neck, smashed face; you may also suspect has had a profound impact on my strength and courage. I am afraid to assess the importance, and this you will not understand until your time has come. Yet, somewhere deep in my mind it will be a major aspect in which road I will now travel. I doubt suicide, I anticipate freedom. The cost of freedom is my single greatest fear, possibly the fear that has constrained me most since being sent away at thirteen. POEM My vulnerability exposed, Don't abandon me here alone; The albatross hung for the world to see And dragged me near death to the bottom of the sea. The oxygen which once enriched me so, Now seems to wane and lose its glow. Beset by obstacles of love and acceptance Will I drown here or again rise free? Go back with me now over those fragile moments and you may understand the way I am. Born to rebels, I rebelled against all, determined not to be influenced by others. I immediately came into conflict with every person who had conformed to whatever shit their parents had shoved down their throats. No one would tell me how to act or think, I would shape my own destiny. No molestation of my spirit by others opinionated and tainted advice. At this point in my life I do not think I had learned this trait, it was innate. I did not question authority, I blatantly disregarded it. Within the super structure of my family, rebellion was not only nurtured but, promulgated. My parents came from painful childhood's and with intensive psychoanalytical therapy have vowed to pave a different path for their kids. In defying their parents methods and practices openly, their own methods were suspect and open to their children. Not only did they allow us to question their methods, they urged us to undertake therapy in an attempt to understand our behaviors and their behaviors, and, the effect theirs were having on our own. I was the first in therapy at eight. The reason, mass non-conformity to the norm. I still go at 28, the reason, mass conformity to the norm; I am an extremist. 2/13/92 Yet I am a natural rebel and conformity has been feigned, for I am still truly in disagreement with all establishments or cults. Weighing heavily on my spirit is the understanding that I cannot conform to the norm for acceptance. The reason I began the process of conforming was to survive within society. When sent away, I learned that in order to be a rebel, certain traits would have to be sacrificed in order to have a society to rebel against. I saw very young that if you did not fit, society had it's way of stifling you. Alone and very angry at the world, I reflected intensely on why I did not fit in the mainstream. 2/15/92 Questioning all, I began my life with no pre-defined beliefs. At home I was the center of negative attention, I could not obey rules, my parents could not control me. No matter the methods they deployed to modify my behavior, I was constantly finding ways to stir trouble. My energy level was manic, life seemed full of adventure, and the only obstacle in my way seemed rules and regulations. 2/19/92 My mind most radically differs from the norm, I accept no answers from others in an attempt to gain comfort. Discomfort has ruled my mind since birth. Lost and helpless in a sea of confusion and the answers written in stone were only others illusions. So striking to me, was the way in which all children seemed to conform to the norm of their homes and environments, simply accepting what they were told to believe. I am of the belief that these personality patterns are the result of manipulation of the juvenile mind, and not the child's innate mind running a normal course. From birth, each one of us is bombarded with hosts of beliefs from a variety of institutions, in which our faith is tamed with assaults on our innocent infant and fragile psyches. The greatest crime of humanity, more degenerative and stagnating than all others, the killing of the intrinsic beliefs of our children. Deny that you are a not a product of other's beliefs. That your own innate beliefs have long been mute and dying somewhere deep and out of reach, and I will cry lie. Unless you admit chaos and confusion, and thus the true pain of ignorance, I cannot even relate. Order chaos, and you have religion, politics and law. Predict order from chaos and you have science. Since order does not exist, all attempts at ordering rely on faith to a degree. Theories are all we believe, truth is what we desire, ignorance and confusion are what we have, fear controlling our thoughts. Fear of admission of chaos, confusion and disorder, allows for extreme vulnerability to conformity. In order to qualify for familial, cultural, religious and political acceptance we slowly sell our souls to pre-defined and prehistoric beliefs. Or, we are outcast and shamed for lack of conformity. Extreme pressure on an individual to separate from others and become "sane" or "normal" by a particular cults definition. The first cults to prey on our minds, are propagated and dictated by the belief systems of our parents. Since parental acceptance is possibly the most powerful influence on our actions, we are in constant need of their approval and love, and we live in constant fear of the withdrawal. Not only are physical attributes visible within a family's geno-structure, mental beliefs and thus our personalities are also hereditary and observable. How many children accept the same religious fantasy, political ideals and cultural laws? How many more have the same prejudices, emotions, temperaments, neuroses and psychosis, as their parents? Even when children are rebellious and defy their parents, it is often only from a temporary lack of acceptance and a direct attempt to gain attention. Alone and afraid, the infant needs parental acceptance in order to survive. Through acceptance we feel the basic needs will be provided, a system of rewards created that promotes conformity, and a system of punishments created that destroys individuality. The "perfect child" acts in strict accord with the pre-defined ideals set by parents, teachers and preachers. The "problem child" often ventures far astray from this route. Parents understand for they constantly praise the child that fulfills the ideals promulgated and damn those that don't. Parents thus being the first influence on our frightened psyches often have a lasting affect on our behavior and beliefs. Easy to persuade conformity to any belief, through withdrawal of love and affection. I am the middle of five children and I have witnessed the powerful effect this persuasion has on influencing children's actions to vie for parental attention and acceptance; how it has shaped they're very lives, even into adulthood, mine included. 2/20/92 Parents then submit children to schools and churches which further their beliefs. These institutions control through similar methods as parents. Always a set of rules and regulations, always a system of reward, and finally, a system of punishment for non-conformists. Unlike my family, these institutions had no tolerance for the rebel, they did not try to understand, they demanded change. When my will would not bend, my real problems with society multiplied. Off to Hebrew school to become a Jew, yet even my own kind could not accept me as my own. From the first words of the preachers lips, I was cracking up. History in religious terms' seemed more like a cartoon, and I found no basis for reality. A man splitting a sea and talking to burning bushes? An imaginary g-d choosing chosen people? A g-d who flooded the entire world but one boat? A g-d killing first born children?? This I find to be particularly bizarre and perverse for a g-d to be doing, does it not know that children are innocent? Anyone who prayed to a g-d that slaughtered innocent infants I thought to be insane. Institutionalized g-d's and my g-d were in immediate confrontation, for I am of the belief that my creator loves all creatures equally. My g-d did not ask me to pray, submit, and accept only him. He instead was the g-d of total confusion that allowed me to think and contemplate the wonder of the creation with a specialized brain, I think? My g-d did not build buildings, many people I know did, to observe his greatness. The only places I ever feel limited in viewing the powers of creation, are within techno man's institutions. Forced into these institutions, I felt like I was missing my g-d's work as it went on outside. I could not attempt to understand it in brick buildings with gatekeepers. Preachers and teachers, promulgating their colored college degrees and decrees, mass producing sameness for the politics of the day. I had to escape. I could not bear to watch all these children being molested, losing their free will and spirits before my eyes, as the world blindly passed them by. Nobody was going to force me to submission, no matter the tactic, and I stood up to any belief with my own. I have paid the price since. I could argue any belief. Hebrew school suspended me for I was uncontrollable and a threat to the entire system they were trying to brainwash Jewish children with. I wondered why so few other kids questioned their religious beliefs, and blindly accepted what was fed to them. The reason I presumed, fear of rejection and fear of repercussions. Group pressure to be the same or go to hell. My g-d created no hell other than institutions which blocked the vision of his grandeur other than through stained glass. Through rituals and festivals did they entice, through gifts did they buy our young spirits. I mean when I heard of Santa Claus I damn near had a mental breakdown when I found people believing in it, did they believe in Mickey Mouse too? 2/28/92 School was another institution designed to instill the beliefs of the ruling system. Teachers, like preachers, enforced the belief of the day with a system of rewards and punishments. Theories taught as absolutes, and grades based on your degree of acceptance. Thus, one plus one equaling two became a reality for most children, not simply a theory. Schools also taught that chaos was somehow predictable and fact. In astronomy, for example, we learn that the earth has predictable movements around the sun and as such we can set our watches accordingly. A twenty four hour day becomes the norm, (and fact?), and we set our cycles accordingly. Of course, this will all change one day, when the sun loses it's planets or a meteor knocks us off course. Yet, reality often becomes suppressed in exchange for the comfort we find in having chaotic events as facts. There was no room for variance from these facts in schools, variance was condemned with poor grades. When I challenged the "facts," I became labeled obstinate and a behavioral problem. Once labeled a troublemaker, the system applies pressure for conformity. Arguments with teachers led to immediate discipline, in front of the entire group, and then tactics of isolation. Sent to the principle's office, outcast from your peers, punishments applied, these are but a part of the methods employed to strip individualism and create conformity. If you do not adapt to the system after punishment, you further become labeled a delinquent or misfit, and are removed from the mainstream. This raping of the children's minds dear reader has a devastating effect on the fragile psyche of a youngster, once outcast and labeled, it is near impossible to have confidence in your self. Rejection from the norm is a powerful aspect in directing any life, more so for the rebel. Once removed from the mainstream, you feel rejected and angry, as if you belong to nothing, your self worth is shattered. Normally, home, school and religious groups are all applying pressure to the rebel for conformity, trying to "save" you if you accept their ways. At home the rebel is the black sheep, at school the rebel is the delinquent and at religious pomp the rebel is a subject of Satan. Now, if that is not enough pressure to conform you, then society has institutions to remove you. Prisons, mental institutions, special schools, and the likes are but housings for misfits to the norm. Society has many labels for those confined, thanks to our ability to define chaotic behavior in absolute patterns; through psycho-babble such as; psychotic, neurotic, dysfunctional, retarded, antisocial, compulsive, obsessive, delusional, depressed, paranoid, personality disordered, psychopathic, schizophrenic, sociopathic, or some other syndrome. Once diagnosed, hosts of treatments based on prevailing therapy theory, such as; psychoanalytic, behavior modification, conditioning, aversion, cognitive, drug, shock, are rendered. If these do not work there is always the threat of death or death itself. 3/3/92 Not many children can withstand the weight of these attacks, from so many institutions, on the free spirit. Instead, finding themselves either conforming or being condemned. The rebel, is either tamed or sedated by the controlling forces, and thus poses little threat unless of course revolution stirs. Yet revolutions are becoming rarer due to the armament used to suppress them. Indicated in Tiananmen Square, where the adult power structures killed their own children for their voices. Makes you wonder that if children see no way to rebel with voices, they may take up knives to their very parents. I rebel against every single theory supposed to be fact. I think chaos rules, that all beliefs are the result of the predictability of chaos. Over time, certain elements of chaos become predictable, so predictable that we believe they are facts, examples; the 24 hour day, the 365 day year, the moon at night, gravity, mathematics, physics, and chemistry. All are only patterns of chaos, subject to change at any moment, and new patterns evolve. The erosion may be gradual or sudden, chaos has no defined order. Everything believed is only theory, yet why cannot humanity accept the bliss of chaos? Man needs order to suppress fear, the fear that our own lives are chaotic. From nowhere do we appear, to nowhere we seem to go. Most organisms go through life seemingly unconscious about existence, as if, the transitions of life are only a part of existence on a grander scale. Man, in stark contrast, centralizes existence on himself, fixating on this brief state of transition. In attempts at countering the natural chaotic order that exists, the fear that his own life, elevated in mind will cease, man searches desperately for order. Freud, in defining the id, ego and superego did not begin with the natural order of the mind, a state of mental chaos. He began to interpret the mind after it had already been shaped by the controlling forces of the time. Portraying the ego as a mediator between impulse (id) and civilization (superego), Freud neglected the ego's rejection of chaos, the force of the ego's existence. If chaos prevails, there would be no need for the mind to undergo the destructive process of the battling forces, confusion would prevail and only instincts would rule. 3/27/92 What a horrible thought, man ruled by chaos and confusion. In a desperate plight to preserve the population and planet, all people must begin fresh. First, wiping the ego's blood from it's hands. Then admitting that all these deaths in the name of male ego, have all been false. Get ready for the massive guilt from the superego, associated with all the deaths that have been caused by the ego's need for order. Humanities method of population control, war, has been driven by this or that belief. Most of those beliefs are now archaic, yet the dead must be tolled regardless of reason. All battles fought, are precious wastes of time, if humanity is to challenge true tests of time, such as, entropy and chaos. Humanity will end as a result of either it's own hands or the hands of chaos. Yet, is it not a higher calling to give the children of the planet a future, instead of planning for their destruction? Will your superego not be filled with horror, if your time and energy has been wasted promoting "beliefs" and "systems" for profit or death, instead of giving the children a chance? Can you sleep at night, knowing that soon, our "systems" will force the children into desperate plights for life? Not against one another as we have so diligently prepared for, but against the limited resources necessary to sustain life, or, mother nature. What will be our excuse, our ego's got in the way? If humanity does not destroy the ego, the ego will destroy humanity. Radical reform must occur with the death of the ego, as humanity faces a near impossible feat of survival. A profound respect for the earth, it's inhabitants, and the elements which sustain us, must prevail. Our energy, time, knowledge, resources and technologies, must be entirely dedicated to the continuation of all. Not the prosperity of individuals. No individual or group "right or wrong". Instead a unity of the species in which all people and their ideas are accepted, the link being a common pursuit for the future, continuation of the species. World summits of intelligence between the whole population via satellite, in which problems and solutions are exchanged amongst those wishing to air them. With the ego dead, wars vanish, and thus no more critical energy will be wasted battling who is right and wrong. 3/4/92 Man views instincts as, primitive and uncivilized, "animal like" behavior. Thus separating and elevating the ego from it's natural order, and imposing a surrealistic order on chaos. Since the order perceived is false, man must constantly attempt to justify the perceived beliefs with fact. Only in the mind are there facts. Reality is theory, and thus the mind is in a constant state of anxiety throughout a human life trying to impose order on disorder. The measure of psychological stability has become the degree to which the mind accepts the beliefs imposed on it from ruling institutions. Deviate behavior to the "norm" viewed as uncivilized and primitive, no matter how primitive and uncivilized the behavior of the "norm" may be. Mass murdering hundreds of thousands or even millions of people, viewed as sane, if it is within the "norm." A recent example from American history, the Iraq police action. Being of Jewish decent, if I were "normal," I normally would not care that a sworn enemy got killed. Since I have resigned myself from all established cults though, I view all life as equal and sacred. In the Iraq war, if it can be called a war, I witnessed hundreds of thousands of people die unnatural deaths by the hands of "civilized" people. I watched as the "norm" was transformed for the people of America. Why during the ten year battle between Iran and Iraq, one of the bloodiest on earth, costing millions of lives, did the American conscious not awaken? I could not tell which side we were supporting more, I know that the profits were staggering for the war industry on both sides. After we placed Saddahm Hussein in power, and supported his war efforts, we were displeased with the truce called, and abandoned Iraq. Saddahm then cried that his country was in ruins and looked to his "allies" the U.S. for help in restoring his destroyed country. Since the profits of war no longer existed, the incentive vanished and the U.S. left Iraq in ruins. I believe the U.S. suggested, that Kuwait, before the British had divided the middle-east had belonged to Iraq. Since Kuwait had not partaken in the war, they had wealth with which Saddahm could fund his war. All Saddahm had to do was rape Kuwait and again make it part of Iraq. The idea made sense, and the U.S. sat ideally by, while Iraqis armies took over Kuwait. Then the U.S. found another use for Iraq, that of our enemy. From ally to enemy, the public conscious did not even notice, while we transformed Iraq into a monster. Through the propaganda machine of the time, television, did the government inundate the public with the horrors of Saddahm Hussein. There are many atrocities occurring throughout the world in which dictators or governments are mass murdering, and the U.S. has not interceded. We sat ideally by while communism spread through violence and murder, and never lifted a finger to Fidel Castro our neighbor. Yet suddenly we are going to travel half way around the world to save Kuwait? Why is Kuwait suddenly so dear to the U.S.? Here you must travel beyond CNN coverage and question authority if only for a brief moment. The U.S. government realized that the war industry, the savior of the economy from the great depression, was dying. With the collapse of Communism in Russia, and an end to the cold war, the most profitable war, the U.S. economy was looking bleak. Defense cuts proposed and approved faster than all other items in the budget. Since the demand for war goods decreased, and production had only slowed, a major surplus developed, and there was no available outlet for we were not at war. Iraq looked like a suitable opponent, we controlled Saddahm, they were weakened and already half defeated from the prior ten years of war, and thus could be easily conquered. First, the U.S. needed world support from it's allies, who were all suffering from the end of the cold war. Thus compliance easy, since all parties had the same profitable objective to relive the surplus. Almost overnight did all interested parties transform Saddahm Hussein into an Adolph Hitler, who threatened the entire planet. Claims that he had amassed the third largest standing army, and that he might be capable of nuclear weapons were rampant. News on his invasion of Kuwait bombarded the world in a coordinated event of cinematic propaganda. Like sheep we were herded to believe that the new norm was to hate Saddahm Hussein and for that matter all people of Iraqi descent. Overnight we began cheering actions that seemed yesterday uncivilized. First we began to starve the Iraqi people, not Saddahm Hussein, and the U.S. sheep's accepted this as an acceptable behavior. When Saddahm would not let loose of his Golden egg, we created a war. Again, overnight, were the sheep herded into a frenzy that mass murder of innocents was acceptable and normal. For that is exactly who we killed, not Saddahm Hussein and not any warriors. Like a savage beast did we prey on helpless and innocent children, in order to save helpless and innocent children? Like all good wars of the past, this war seemed different as there are no battles per say. Only futile attempts of the innocents attempting to cover their heads from the bombs which showered their days. Where was the savage beast we went to conquer, why did it not raise a hand? Simply because there was no savage beast that threatened anything but Kuwait, not even the Israelis were that concerned with Saddahm. His soldiers were starving children, most soldiers already laid to waste with Iran, and those that remained were barely armed or dangerous. There were no battles, it was just simply supply-side economics, the release of excess surplus on an innocent and helpless victim. Mass murder began, and the world joined in, our conscious eased by the unity. In the end thousands of Iraqi innocents were dead, Saddahm Hussein was unscathed and still in power with all the riches of Kuwait, the killing goes on in Iraq, the U.S. and the allies relieved tons of surplus armaments. The war industry justified it's existence in what appears to be it's end or the beginning of the end. I viewed the military as desperately trying to sell programs which were on the executioners block weeks before the "war," such as the Stealth bomber and the Patriot missile system. I did not understand why Stealth capabilities were necessary, when regular bombers took out Iraqi's radar defenses in the opening seconds of the war. I would not be caught dead purchasing a Patriot missile system, when a Scud missile made a direct hit on a U.S./Saudi Marine base which was completely surrounded w/ Patriots. This system costing millions of dollars, designed to fend off thousands of missiles' hundreds of miles away, could not stop one lousy scud coming directly at it? Another interpretation might be that the U.S. was launching the Scuds at non-populated sites. Then having CNN tune in for the simultaneous launching, so that they could sell the system to the public. Then either a patriot or a scud exploded at the Marine base and killed 28 marines. I could understand if there had been hundreds of incoming scuds from an Iraqi offensive, in the battle of ????????, and one slipped through the cracks. Had Hussein been the Hitler he was depicted as, I would have expected that he would have launched all out attacks, with the most destructive capabilities. Had Hitler invented the atomic bomb first, do not err and think that he would not have launched it. No matter the odds against him, at the time. I recall Hussein transporting fighter jets out of Iraq, to hide them in safety. I do not recall one chemical weapon, although this helped the gas mask industry. Finally had he any similarity to Hitler, he would have launched an all out attack on the Jews. Hussein more paralleled Goofy. I am afraid to write views and theories such as these for it is not "normal" within my society. I would be considered "crazy" for such ideas, everyone around me is so proud of our nation. We fought for a "good" cause and won, ticker tape parades galore. This would not be another Vietnam in which public confidence eroded and veterans returned to a public conscious filled with guilt. What was termed a military success, I view as a military massacre of innocents. Another case of bullying an unworthy opponent with excessive violence. Why there has been no public outrage is a testament too successful advertising and marketing, and the ability to suppress rebellion. Suppress what rebellion you might ask, the revolution coming rapidly into consciousness, that the ordering of our lives has led us catastrophically close to the brink of destruction. In the 1960's, right here in the good old U.S.A., which admittedly and proudly committed genocide against the Indian population, a most lethal revolution began. A revolution by the children, against all institutionalized authority systems. For the first time, did the human consciousness come close to recognizing chaos as the order of the day, and it came to the children of the U.S.A. And from the melting pot came this wild and orgy like subculture, in which all rules vanished. "Question Authority" became the anthem, and from this conclusion came the "Summer of "Love." Note that from the acceptance of chaos, and life without order, came love. From life with order, we have produced hate. So how did order come to be and how has order affected us, and, how do we re-establish ourselves in chaos? These are the same questions I am asking in my own life at this cross-road. I predict that I will have more questions, no certain answers and just more chaos and confusion. Once upon a time, when man was "primitive" and transportation limited to feet, and, the voices range was the extent of communication, small bands of humans came together. At first, the reasons for togetherness seemed natural, like any other species that travels in packs, the pack provides the individual with a similar group to belong to. The needs for primitive groups are mainly hunting and breeding, and the group generates a greater sense of security than alone-less-ness. Hierarchy defined by strength or inherited birth rights, the groups survival more important than any individual. People acting more for the group than the self. Humanity began in this fashion but what has aspired does not seem to fit the natural disorder. Unlike other species that seem to have almost global unity, mankind's groups vary in purpose and belief. All other species go about their activities, without concern about purpose or belief, humanity cannot live without it. Each cult that formed began the process of ordering existence with itself as the center of the universe. In early groups the belief that all planetary motion moved around the earth prevailed. Mankind's order dominated by strength, with the strongest member or sub-cults' beliefs ruling. The varieties of beliefs imposed over the general public would be amusing if chronicled, a few examples; the world is flat, we are the center of astrologic activity, it is OK. to feed undesirables to the lions for our enjoyment, hang them on crosses, lynch them, beat them, to submit to what ever belief is current fashion. 3/7/92 Today began with the revelation that I am free. That no one owns me, my spirit will not bend. View the rest of my life as you will, dying reader, but take with you that I knew nothing. Do not believe in this rhetoric before you, I would only wish you believe what is in you. I have only expressed what is within me. I admit, for a while, a long time it seems, I had a damaged and shattered shelf image. So would you when the walls of every institution come crashing down on you, damning you to submit, and your will, young and free can barely resist. Finally, when I was completely alone and rejected at thirteen, labeled and analyzed, I began to lose my self worth. I yearned for love and affection, and I began a long process of submission. At first I knew that my mind could never conform, but I could pretend that I was "normal", and thus look like I fit in. It would be worth it, it seemed, if it would secure love and acceptance. My innate, wild, free, uncontrollable attitude sacrificed on the exterior, but I believed I could maintain myself underneath. I am finding that slowly that has almost seeped from veins, and that is why I must go and abandon society, rules and regulations. I want to get back to nature and learn from the animals how to be natural and free in spirit, free in mind. The walls of the institutions surrounding me have created nothing but hate and toxic wastes, they have separated humanity, and I can no longer be a part, I resign. Call me a quitter, call me insane, try to define my chaos to find comfort. I do not care, I am packing it up anyway and taking my insanity with me. 3/10/92 or thereabouts Where to begin my chaotic adventure out of "civilization?" The first step, geography. The Islas Canarias, Tenerife, to begin, with a climb atop Pico de Tiede, to get a glimpse of the world missed by joining pseudo techno-society. The Canaries are named from the morning sounds fishermen make amongst the Islands, I will be happy as a Lark. The next step, an undertaking of the minimum skills necessary for survival. With the objective of this quest being the removal of myself from all un-natural events. My dreams are simple; fishing on the Islands, providing enough food for myself and any family, simple shelter, re- adjusting to nature, relaxing, and enjoying life without fear. Of course the natural order of existence, chaos, does not go without fear of Mother Nature, but I will no longer fear techno man, with all his gadgets. Although, in the back of my mind, even isolated, I may die from techno man's achievements, such as, pollution, destruction of the Ozone, nuclear weapons, and the likes. Besides chaos throwing a sudden curve, techno man seems the only other force capable of destroying all life, unless of course you believe in devils. I will be guiltless in the event that any of these bizarre behaviors do destroy life though. I will no longer contribute, or "fit in," or be "normal," or "sane," or whatever you may think. POEM BLIND MAN There was a g-d, A merry man was he. There was a man, He was a g-d but he could not see. Self centered and alone, Blinded by greed; In nature not at home, A very "sane" breed? Good-bye, farewell, techno man, To nature I return, no longer give a damn. I wish you well with all your possessions, I would rather abate in a chaotic state, No longer a part of the "social" processions. Withstanding my favorite obsession, to mate. Freedom from any confessions. No more analytic sessions! I find that I just cannot face myself anymore here, I can't even find myself. Since re-programming of my natural mind has occurred over so many years, I have questioned my ability to abandon that which I adorn. The answer was simply questioning the possessions I will have to forgo. So many "things" come to mind; electricity (other than a bit of lighting in the rainy season), automobile (yet, I am more certain of dying on the California freeways than Pico de Tiede burying me), bills (good riddance), my job (good riddance to; suits, conformity, working for systems of mass disaster), money, locks (to lock away techno man), things I must do (in other words freedom), time (for that is just a theory plagued by rules and regulations, with death the end result), anything other than natural substance which I must have to survive. Good bye all that "I just can't live without." I rather feel that these very "things" are slowly killing me, and you, and all species futures. Laws, in which "the current fashion sets the pace" to benefit those at the top, to control those on the bottom. Politics, which no one but politicians have ever benefited from. Nuclear fission in every aspect (either, bombs, Chernobyl, or more locally, San Onofre. Nuclear fusion, which could be mankind's savior, no, I am sure the theory of cold fusion, recently covered up by techno government, will be used to profit some and not all. Phones, an impersonal method of communication. Faxes, I have not had it long enough to grow attached. Finally, civilized man, good-bye at last, for as once said, "Parting is such sweet sorrow." I find much more happiness in my dreams which lack any of techno man's gadgets, rules and regulations. My dreams are of; waking to canary sounds, strolling through the island environment, cohabiting in harmony with nature, naked in purpose, swimming in the waters I believe to inhabit the lost city of Atlantis, making love under starry skies unmolested much less by man, and writing. Writing, so that my thoughts and actions on getting back to nature, might be helpful. Helpful in the event that techno man were to find himself at the brink of destruction, and instead of nuking each other, working together as a whole for the survival of all versus for self. For that will be the only time I will ever be a part of "civilized" man again. Good night, and may you dream of more pleasant things. 3/9/92 Everyone I try to say good-bye to, asks, "and how will you survive?" As though it is impossible to live life without technology. I reply, like all other species, naturally. They then call me "crazy." The argument is that how can I just pack up the addictions I have grown accustomed to. What addictions? The addictions' society offers to calm, to tame, to entice you to submission. The false sense of comfort that you are safe from the animal kingdom when you are in greater danger in man's kingdom. That you are "normal," that you cannot survive without submission to a cult. 3/11/92 I abandon society and all the cults for I see the behavior of its members to be insane. I cannot rationalize humanity as kind, caring or compassionate. I see it psychologically out of control. Murdering one group or another, for profit. O.K. as long as it was not your group. Exploitation of one group or individual, OK. as long as it was not your group. Prosperity of one group over another, instead of the whole. Hate and separation of any group other than one's own. Exploitation of the land, minerals, water, ozone, for one group or another, without regard to the whole or the continuation of the whole. Destruction of entire societies, such as the American Indian, to bring, "civilization, in the name of g-d?" Rob and rape the American Indian of their lands and life's (taught to accept that it was OK. through false cinematic propaganda), teaching that it was the Indian's fault, and thus John Wayne and the likes became "heroes" dealing with the "heathens." American's still cannot admit that we have successfully committed genocide, when talking of Indians, yet other than zoo's called Reservations, that was what it was. "Civilized" man traveled the globe, and conquered, murdered, robbed and raped all that he met along the way. Claiming ownership, for this or that king and for this or that religion, and then normally massacring the majority, stealing all their possessions, and converting to slavery the rest. Seems very "civilized?" Now we rape and reap the environment in the same fashion. Actions carried out with no thought to their reaction for they are done by those blinded in greed, who lack social morals, in exchange for personal gain. Exploitation of the world's resources, as if unlimited. Economies soon to learn that without the resources necessary to survival, the outlook is very bearish. The end of Communism proves that limited resources do exist, and that war cannot fuel economies forever. Building a military is only good if you use it. But "civilized" man has come to a stalemate in war. Must be very difficult for a conscience to survive massive nuclear destruction, must have been an "insane" mind that created the potential. Yet, as resources grow depleted or environmental concerns constrain production, man may go to war for that left in the end, or a new solution must be found. World War II was due to Germanys economic collapse and the people becoming desperate. War brought immediate gratification to the masses, at the expense of so many lives, and allowed the conscience too again overlook "civilized" behavior. The United States, hero to the great foe Hitler, foe to the Indian, created a war economy that pulled it out the great depression. Now, without a hot or cold war, again it will fall, in suit with Russia. World War III, the grand finale, how foolish it seems, how real it has been. I have lived my entire life with the threat of nuclear holocaust for all creatures, tired and scared am I to mingle any longer with "civilization". The Russians plan to bury their nukes, along with the U.S. and Sweden is burying it's radio active waste in granite beds under the city. Send all the waste inside the nukes and launch them in orbit around Uranus. For the next 500 to 1000 years that these contaminants are "hot" I would rather have them far away from our natural resources. Chernobyl and the likes, much better circling Uranus than sinking into your water tables, soil tables, atmosphere and finally the children . For that matter, build a few more Space Shuttles, and ship the rest of toxic waste in them. Name the company Rock-It Garbage, and keep it out of our lakes, rivers, oceans, land, atmosphere, animals, plants, and our future generations. Thus three problems solved. First, an industry that replaces the war industry, and for those of you remaining war mongers there is a great need for your skills, for this is just a different kind of war, battling to save the earth. Now that is the noblest war, requiring noble soldiers working for the benefit of the whole colony. Second, a use for Nukes other than incinerating ourselves. Third, a necessary clean-up of the earth. These are simple suggestions, the obstacles are minimal, the profits enormous and are easier to justify as civilized. We must as a civilization, begin to traverse a psychoanalytic study of the behavior of "civilized" people. As with analysis one must traverse back into infantile states, to understand and treat infantile experiences, with an adult mind. We must re-evaluate the forces which control our actions, and find better, more constructive outlets for our energy. The task is difficult, for experiences which are painful and often un-civilized, become shrouded in years of elaborate defenses, psychological tricks, that keep them from the human conscience. The defense mechanisms are the same as for an individual mind, yet as a group, the conscience has the element of strength in numbers to justify. For example, Christopher Columbus has recently come under scrutiny for his actions after landing in Plymouth. Why after hundreds of years, could the interpretation of such a pioneer put him in the annals of evil. Once glorified by the mass, a model of the super-ego, Columbus may be the symbol of more death and destruction than any other man. With a world population at the time (1500's) of approximately 500 million, 100 million were Indians inhabiting the America's, by the 1700's only a hundred or so remain. I do not care what defenses are offered, if any can be with a "civilized" mind, this is genocide. In grade school our innocent infant and gullible psyches were tricked to believe that the man who represented the movement most, Christopher Columbus, was to be honored. My question, had Adolph Hitler won would we taking school off for his Birthday? This was one of those moments in my mind, where I could not accept, where I rebelled and went nuts. I was in history class when the teacher began his sermon with the landing of "civilized" man in America and the colonization of Jamestown. The beginning of disease, death, colonization of the land and slavery for the Indians. Pocahontas and Rolfe married, feasts, and tobacco as cash, and then the Indians killed the settlers, and thus what the Indians got they deserved. Backing him was vast amounts of cinematic propaganda at the time repeating the same moral, yet I wanted to know what caused the Indians to react in such bizarre fashion, the response, Indians were savage beasts. I was not satisfied with the response for it still made no sense why the Indians were at first so friendly and then so savage, I pressed the point. The defense was weak, the Indians could not act civilized on our land which was theirs, which they could not conceive had ownership with boundaries. From this I raised a more irritating question, if the Indians were fighting to keep the land free, for all, what were we fighting for? Here the teacher raised his authoritative voice and claimed that we had to move on to the settlement of the land by the pioneers before our pre-defined time expired. I asked how we could proceed forward with settlement when we had not learned why it had become ours to settle. The response, typical in these situations of my life, shut up or get out. I got thrown out. Did my friends believe this account? Most yes, it was dictated by the group conscience to accept. Given a host of hero's to celebrate, a host of holiday's to be thankful on because school was out (Columbus Day and Thanksgiving), you had to be nuts to dispute it. The next day, in the very same class, the teacher claimed, "Look, when Cortes found the Aztec Indians, they were doing human sacrifice to their g-d's to thank them, that's how barbaric they were. I responded, so it was better that Cortes slaughtered them all in the name of Christ, and that seems more "civilized?" Immediately this time I was sent out. My friends all wrote papers and answered exam questions which proved they had all been brainwashed, their consciences at ease. I was not allowed to participate in the class, my conscience left my teacher with to many unanswered questions, so with authoritative powers, he labeled me a behavioral problem. As a behavioral problem who disrupted the entire class, I was removed from class, sent to the library to study in solitude. Different thinking is the variety of life, accept in school? I loved the library though, it offered me the availability to research subjects unmolested by dictators. In the library I found much contradiction to the story being sold in class. The truth looked fairly obvious; the Indians were killed by the settlers unfairly, to steal their natural resources. Our great country was founded on 100 million dead Indians, I was ashamed and my friends were masquerading as Cowboys and Indians, continuing a sick and wrong tradition, if their had been 500 million, I am sure we would have killed them off by now. Thought Hitler was bad? In this classic example of group molestation of the individual mind, all defense mechanisms are active on a group level. First, the group represses the "forbidden" event, the killing and raping of the Indians. Then the group substitutes an acceptable image of "cowboys and Indians." Cowboys being attacked by Indians and defending themselves on "their" land, projects an acceptable image. Displacement occurring mainly in the media or our very classrooms, when we transfer our hostility on to the Indian. Denial, obvious when we celebrate it. Reaction Formation, the Indians were heathens and we were saints sent in the name of g-d (also a hallucination). Rationalization's, the Indians believed the land was for all with no true boundaries, we believed it was ours, we were stronger and killed them off, that is O.K. because we all believe it, and if you believe it too, it will be even more real. This explanation would also account for Intellectualism of this "civilized" concept. We have fixated on this account, for, to progress to any greater understanding would leave us weighed with shame. Columbus Day would no longer be and we would ask the Indians for forgiving on Thanksgiving. In "A primer of Freudian psychology" by C.S. Hall, he gives a catalogue of regressive behaviors used by adults:
Some of these regressions are so commonplace that they are taken to be signs of maturity. We did not however sublimate any of our aggressive behaviors, we instead acted them out. To traverse back and re-evaluate this massacre with a civilized mind is very difficult and painful, for it exposes the horrible pains the Indians must have suffered. The analysis would force you to feel the pain and agony caused by our ancestors to 100 million people. We would have to admit our actions were uncivilized and learn that we are to be ashamed of such evil tendencies. I have always been ashamed to be an American, but let you not think I am prejudice, I am ashamed to be part of "civilized" man. 3/14/92 How did "civilized" man come to possess everything, not only land and resources, but animals and other man? The answer is simply male ego violence. Flashback - May 25, 1983
3/14/92 continued Until "civilized" man there appeared to be enough resources for all, and no defined boundaries. No other animal has claimed ownership of all resources, and thus disrupted the natural harmony. All creatures exist together, the food chain being the central link, each exists in its own space, till either it becomes food for another or die's and becomes food. I know that it is hard to imagine life without possession, but remove man from the scene and that is what exists. Ownership has a heavy price it seems, so much killing and destruction. Ordering the world and defending the order has cost so many un-necessary lives, owning the earth has destroyed it. "Civilized" man's ego, so insecure and frail within the natural environment, need's to conquer and destroy to feel security? From birth, our whole world shaped and molded to accept order, the nature of the order is not important, for man will buy almost any belief. Upon departing techno-man, I will search to find the answers as to how and why man has come to need order and ownership to provide security in an ever changing and insecure existence. A more important question, how man has developed the skills necessary to kill, other than for reasons associated with the food chain. Like a plague we have spread over the earth, a parasite, no symbiotic relationship exists any longer between man and man, man and nature, and, man and the environment. POEM O'Earth I cry, may you give rise, To children that turn their heads. Pain and agony are all I see upon your balding skull. From generations past that loved you not, You might as well be dead. I blame you not, if for their deeds, You kill them all. In your veins poisons they have dumped, As if it were not the very breast that feeds their Own. Yours eyes are filled with smog and soot, in the name of technology. All creatures that you nurture suffer, For this crime, man, alone to blame. Yet I beg for pardons, And instead ask that you make their children see. Children, Rebel! Revolt! Against these crimes of nature. Once bountiful our earth, for all, her cup runneth Over. And rape, and reap, was our respect to her. Now she rots, as evidence that we were not her Lover. Ignore her no longer! She dies at your feet; If you fail this greatest of challenges, It will be your own defeat. 3/16/92 "Civilized man" will have to drop his possessions and his weapons soon. So many dispute this, denying that resources are limited. For example, as the ozone dissipates, and our heads begin to fry, I believe the human spirit will rise above its child like behaviors and act as a whole. Across the earth a brotherhood united in a common purpose, the greatest of natures challenges, the survival of the species. Any challenge that unites us in a common pursuit, shall unite us in a common spirit. Once humanity acts as a whole for the whole; boundaries and positions, that which we once killed for, will again be valued for all, for the future, and not abused. We will struggle to save resources and restore the delicate balance we have violently trampled upon. United not by, creed, color, religious fantasy or geography, but by membership in Peoplekind. The fight, for the first time in history will not be against one another, but, for one another. No idea will be rejected as desperation peaks, each individual may be summoned to suggest idea's, no matter how "crazy" the idea may be, no matter who the individual is. From these ideas will come forth changes in the whole, for the whole, that are based on caring for the whole. We may find this battle so rewarding spiritually, that we may find ourselves as caretaker of nature. Education would have to begin to be based on critical thinking versus rout memorization of pre-defined beliefs as facts. Facts will have to dissipate, as they are killing us, and we will have to take greater precautions to survive more chaotic events that can destroy all life. If, for example, we remain tied to the earth for too long, and cannot adapt to space, we must find a way to protect the earth from anything that could disrupt the balance necessary for survival in thousands of chaotic facets. The first element mankind has truly to fear, is himself. Once this is conquered, if it does not kill all, real fears and threats may begin to be challenged. Earth is not in a perfect steady state, nothing seems to be. Life hangs on a delicate thread in comparison, so many elements need to be perfect for the maintenance, and even if humanity is not to be the cause of decay, each element is consistently in entropy, the earth and sun included, your life no less. The future is not guaranteed in this state, and the job of attempting to provide a future for life is immense, but I would much rather partake in this war, than a war against another ever. Already so much of man's limited mental energy has been wasted on learning to kill other man, thus depleting the ability to work on saving all life. Humorous to note, that in learning to kill one another and possess, we have learned that we not only effect the other's ability to survive, but our own, and all. Now that we not only have come to possess the ability to kill all, and have lived within the threat, we may rise above and find greater purpose. Caretaker, and that seems the most noble of any cause I would ever die or live for. You want to continue economy for all, stop fighting over earth's limited resources and look into the heavens around us. You want to preserve the pristine state of the planet for many more generations to come, then learn to protect it or encompass it into a large space ship, for that is all it is. Find clean methods of energy in fusion, do not be limited to the filth of fission. The splitting of atoms, evil; desired by Hitler, costing trillions of dollars, producing millions of ton's of hazardous materials that are a danger to the environment for thousands of years, or immediately, as Chernobyl illustrates, leaving us with heaps of un-necessary bombs and equipment to launch them, debt that is staggering to economies and environment, and horrible long term potential disasters. Am I wrong in assessing humanity in its own therapeutic term, psychotic, for these bizarre behaviors? The hardest part of changing behavioral problems is accepting there existence, but once accepted is change not more likely? Flashback 4/21/83
3/16/92 Contrary to running away from these problems, I am venturing in the direction I think necessary to begin the change, if I am the only one to change I will be happier for my lack of participation in what I deem to be, un-natural, non- productive and potentially lethal actions for all. To be a part of these events, in any way, leaves my conscience filled with anxiety. When death taps upon my door, these are not the actions I wish to justify. 3/23/92 Found an interesting bit of lost memory. Dateless flashback
3/23/92 After reading that I remembered clearly the path to the operating room, through the outdoor tunnels of Northwestern, and asking my surgeon in complete terror what he anticipated doing. He explained that he would have several teams of doctors working at once, that would attempt to restructure me and that I should not worry, everything would be connected to something. I relaxed into a dreamy state and remember parts of surgery and recovery emphatically, detail by detail. Flashback 12/15/82
Flashback 12/15/82
Flashback 2/8/83
Flashback 2/20/83
3/20/92 A profound change in attitude is not the truth of what I feel lately, rather a return to my intrinsic nature. Spoke with Dr. Angres who touched on my artistic and philosophical nature, which has become suffocated while I have transformed into a conformist. Located here, within techno-society, I find no room for expression. In vying for acceptance by the norm, I have suppressed my rage at the norm, and have extinguished my passion. For these very thoughts that I write before you, I have always been condemned. Writing became the outlet, yet, the exterior conformity has begun to consume even this time. Thus, the chains binding me to conformity must be broken, freeing my innate spirit, and fulfilling my dreams. Flashback 9/15/82
Flashback 7/20/84
3/20/92 A news clip from, The Wall Street Journal, 3/18/92, front page:
Sophia Howard's funeral is today, the rain will bury her and from her will sprout new life. Funerals bring life clearly in focus, and do not allow one to forget how delicate life is. Bringing into this story, scattered fragments of thought from past journals, allows you to see that I have not just decided to pack up bags and escape from society on impulse. Society has made me sick, almost my entire life. Society chokes the individualism out us; damning critical thinking, demanding conformity and submission to a "norm", and regulating and ruling our every action. I need no acceptance any longer from any individual or cult, I will no longer conform to be accepted. My island retreat is not an escape but a challenge, a challenge to become the person I am intrinsically. To once again find myself in harmony with nature, free of the constraints of techno man. To write poetry, to write soliloquies, to write philosophies, for me and you. Within the walls of society I find more time and energy wasted trying to keep up an image, than time spent on expressing my own thoughts and feelings. I will not feel comfortable on my death bed knowing this ratio. Already, the only time I feel is alive, is while writing. 3/21/92 Writing for me is therapy and I write not only for myself but you. Money, prestige or power do not dictate my words, they are more like free associations. So many ask if my writings are complete, I pray dear reader that you are not waiting for a completion, for it will only be with my own. In reading my thoughts. I beg you not look for anything beyond confusion. I could fill my pages with "facts", characters, chapters, a title, and the likes, yet convention is so boring. No editors can distort this text, so that it is "perfect" for your view, for I am filled with flaws. I know of no moral for the story, morals are for those in need of direction, I am lost. 3/22/92 I wish I could take you through some animated characters life, full of plots and sub-plots. In the end you could judge the character and get a sense of right and wrong, a direction to follow. I could take you down the demented corridors of the mind, where fear and pain are primal ignorance, the cry for direction. These hollow passage ways seem to have no boundaries, imagination fills the halls. Each mind filled with the terror of death, clinging frailly to each breath. Knowledge of death, true terror, to one who focuses to closely on his own life. Buried deep within your structured life is the truth, helplessness and lack of control. Shape and mold your life to whatever design and still destiny is out of your hands. Grasp at your false beliefs for comfort, hold your self as greater than the whole and life, in a second of death will be filled in a moment with your impotence. When you experience death in your eyes, silently you will review the events of your life and you will judge your actions. Hell or heaven will exist in that moment in your mind, and normally you move on. If per chance you survive or perceive that you have survived death, a profound respect for all prevails your every thought, your every action. The judgment seems based on your respect to nature, have you abused any creatures without cause or need. in order to profit. Will our consciences tolerate the abuses to the environment, can you deny the guilt associated with the devastating impact. I can no longer just over look my part, I can not live in a picturesque setting while the rest of the world suffers. I do not see the collapse of Communism as an opportunity for Democracy to capitalize on. I foresee it as an indicator of our own pre-historic economic system's demise. For Democracy to prevail you would have to ruin the natural resources of the Soviet Union, rape and pillage the land, and I do not believe there are many resources of value left after Communism devoured them. Now the mass suffers, there are too many people and not enough resources. There are of course an abundance of weapons and I hear there are already bitter fights over who should possess them and who can buy them. Funny are the concerns of humanity when faced with catastrophe, weapons over food? For the benefit of the whole are these actions justified? For so long, like sheep, we have been led to believe that these are the institutions we need to exist. I do not see a need, I see greed with no heed to the deeds. If the future of humanity rests on conquering our greed, the children must seize back the planet. Adults do not seem capable of relinquishing tendencies which right and wrongly have passed from generation to generation and may be killing us. Children, you must again, like the 1960's, begin to question the power structures of the day. You must no longer sit idly by while your very future is endangered, you must begin to prepare for the survival of planet. Rise again, in protest, to that which you know is inherently wrong, no longer allow your conscience to be seduced by acceptance and approval. No longer fear the remedies society has instituted for incorrigibles, there are many legitimate reasons to be incorrigible. Fear your last breath more than change, and change will come easy. 3/23/92 Free your brain of the weight of such atrocities to nature, in the name of technology and industrialism, we can no longer hide from our consciences the damage. In every country that capitalism has entrenched, the country is stripped of it's natural resources and profits momentarily, only to come to poverty in the end. The idea of unlimited resources and unlimited "needs", has driven us to battle the entire ecosystem. Here and now, exist the dangers of our greed, our selfish ways exposed, all children of nature in danger. Shall we cling desperately to the ideologies of the past, denying the existence of our waste by products and suffocate all in our shit? My conscience is afraid of the overwhelming guilt associated with mass genocide of all, my last breath filled with the horror of choking on our waste by-products. I would rather resign and make a simple statement, humanity has gone mad. If humanity comes to realize the fatality of it's current direction, the question of time comes to play. Assume that it is delegated that our world's resources, precious to life, are in serious jeopardy. I know today that this seems absurd, with resources unlimited, but journey into imagination? So critical are the damages, that actions similar to Mexico City the other day, become instituted worldwide. Can you drop your consumption down to the basics, can you forgo that which you think you need to survive? Tonight a funny story. I go to dinner and upon departing the restaurant walk in front of a long line of people waiting for their cars. Thinking the folks in front of me have already presented their tickets and are awaiting their cars. So I apologize and begin to walk back when someone exclaims, "Do you have a problem?" I responded, "yes indeed, I have many problems, are you interested?" He responds, "yeah." I said, "first we can start with pollution and the nature of "civilized man," do you understand?" Offended he claimed, "well we've been waiting over 20 minutes to get our cars!" I turned to N and began explaining the rudeness of my fellow man and the preceding conversation. She laughed and thought him also to be rude, and we resumed our places in line and were continuing on the subject of why in fact people in techno society are so rude. Now the gentleman could have stood well impressed with his lady friends that he would be receiving his car far in advance of me and rightfully so. I was content with the situation, but this 40 year old, techno man conformist, reject of the 60's movement, complete with pony tail and yuppie ideals, was not. So not being aware that the remaining conversation of ours, was not focused on him, which of course he was fixated upon, he interjected; "what is your problem?" He then began to resort to more primitive gestures and flexed his muscles and moved back to where we were in line and again demanded an answer to his question. I guess my primitive response of flight or fight took control, and I gave him the look of one with a fragile and delicate face, that stated that I would eat his eyeballs as desert to a fabulous dinner at Il Fornio, if this proceeded in a physical fashion. Calmly, I once again re-assured him, that I indeed had many mental problems without any answers, but that I was actively in therapy trying to accept them. I then turned to N and said, "this must be another instance where techno man has completely lost his sanity, can you imagine him becoming so fixated on our conversation that he would come over here?" Again he came insistent on pursuing my problem, the whole while not caring. I responded that if he could hear so clearly our conversation, which pertained not to him, that he must be very bored with his own company and that if perchance he was not so focused on me, he would find time to get a life. His car pulled forward and not noticing the ladies doors, he angrily walked to his car. I was absolutely confounded, and confirmed in belief that techno "civilized" man may soon implode from the mounting pressures. The increasing number of people afflicted with anger and resentment at the world, and other man, is becoming severe. Not only are the numbers increasing but the nature of the crimes are intensified. Why has the constitutional "right to bear arms" transformed into insanity? Even the caliber of weapons has become viscous, possessed even by the children. Truly, I am no longer fearful of "red-coats" carrying muskets, which were never were that accurate and almost always made you think twice before killing. I am afraid of semi-automatic weapons that spray hundreds of bullets and heavy gauge shot gun blasts that kill so many, in neighborhoods I pass daily. More afraid am I, of bombs and weapons deployed by militaries, which kill anywhere from 1 to millions of people in moments. Technically, it would be absurd for me to possess a musket in the event that foreigners come to take the land that we rightfully stole from the Indians, as protected in the Constitution. I would much rather possess a nuclear weapon, that I could launch in defense? 3/26/92 A study on AIDS in the USA shows now that there is one new case every 13 minutes, or more simply, 40430 cases per year. 3/30/92 When the children ask why we have neglected their futures and we can only explain in terms of hating one another; how should they react? Should they just neglect their futures in order to be servants of our "systems?" Shall they continue to follow our footsteps, until together they knock on heavens door? If they reject and rebel how should us adults act? Will we suppress their cries with guns? Shall we confine them to prisons, ghetto's, and camps? If they rise in unity, shall we slaughter them in unity to defend our ways? We can always create laws that make their actions illegal or we could pull a Kent. Having mastered rebellion, I can sense the rising. Children by the millions worldwide are concerned at the damage of the past. Events are unfolding at such rapid pace that it is staggering that any mind can sort them out. Hosts of information bombarding our consciences are awaking the world to the horrors. Tune in to disasters twenty-four hours a day on CNN or thirty other channels. Ignore not the suffering you see, you consume it at every meal. We become numb to the very sufferings of our fellow man. Homosexuality is considered offensive, when at dinner you watch "adult civilized" men killing each other by the thousands in war and you weep not one tear? I am so confused??? I do not lay awake at night worrying about my actions but yours? Death to me is comfortable at any moment, for my actions I am proud, all of them. I can not predict my last breath, every action is thus from my heart. I have been claiming my spirit back with every passing word and my conscience will again be free of the horror of my own silence. No more facades to entertain you with, my strings are going to be severed. Shame and hurt are all the feelings I have when accounting for my ties to "civilization." Attack all I say today, tomorrow your children's faces will make you pay. Frightened by your own participation? I ask your excuse to continue the abuses. Focus upon your part, your compliance and conformity, hide not you wretched creatures in your justifications, you are guilty, and you will account when death taps on you. Dying at your own hands, was Jim Jones nuts or advanced? Guyana was a nice portrait of our current plight, just substitute kool-aid with pollution. And like sheep will we follow our "leaders" to our deaths and you do not think your part will be excused as we carry our children with us to hell. Hide not in the horrors of cinema, open your eyes to reality, and you scream and turn in real horror. Cover your eyes, you can not hide. Do you start to hear the children's cries? When the children awaken to their situation and rise, together as one, and they no longer yield to their parents bigotry, prejudices and hate for one another, who will they find standing in their way? Will their enemy be their very parents? When they no longer listen or attend your institutions, how will you survive, who will fill their position? Will you force them to submission and slavery to that which is destroying their futures? Will you watch as they starve from your abuses? Possibly, the solution for the children to rebel without having to kill their parents, would be simply to quit following in their parents footsteps for one or two generations. Just simply not obey the rules, regulations, or laws, and, no longer participate in establishment. No more attendance and time devoted to religion, politics, and school. Blatantly disregarding authority. In time, a new and more sophisticated man may emerge, if the lessons of the past are learned from. Slowly the systems will crumble, factories will close, as old is replaced with new. The children control our destiny and all they have to do is reject our current beliefs. This offers my mind far greater comfort than fearing that the only other way to save themselves from being killed by their parents ways is to kill their parents first; especially if they tried to stop the revolution. In such an event, I still recommend that if parents can not change their ways and become violent to suppress the revolution, against their own children, that it will be necessary for the children to arm themselves against us. Who is the us, everyone that can be held accountable for these crimes, directly or indirectly. 4/6/92 Who is the criminal of society? Who began all the ordering of the world? The insecure and primitive male ego is the culprit behind society. In order to gain security, the male ego imposed the thought of the day on every single weaker creature. The animal kingdom was the first slave to man's ego, then came women, then weaker man, and finally children. The thoughts you currently think are forced upon you from birth, and are all the result of male dominated societies. Throughout mankind mind control has either come through force and violence, male traits or by molesting vulnerable children's minds. Thus, all that you believe in, is the result of intimidation by men. The reason you can not break free of the control, is that the male insecure ego has protected the control with all sorts of weapons. Take for example the "civilized" weapon, the bomb. How many women or animals were involved in it's creation? Built in the phallic shape of the penis, complete with burning base and exploding head. If women had developed them, do you think they might have been shaped like a breast with squirting plutonium tips? If animals had developed them they would have tried killing us with them for our crimes against nature. Animals are only given instinctual weapons which are used to gather food or protect from being food, excess violence and the unnecessary destruction of life seems only a trait of "civilized" man. Misconstrue not that the problem is your own, for that will drive you "crazy." All the definitions that you feel insecure about and are trying to hide behind are defined by man. Religions are male creations, how much of the old, new, or any testament was created by woman or children? Political systems have been dominated by men, women unable to participate until lately, children still are banned. Laws have been predominately established and enforced by men. Business has been a male dominated establishment, with women and children used as slaves. Educational establishments are simply processing centers for male beliefs on children, as well as keeping children out of the job market. 4/9/92 After twenty years of knowing Dr. A and twenty years of writing, I have never shared with you my sessions or their content. I feel that now I must not only share them, I must share them openly. Our last conversation began with an insurance form my carrier requested, that required him to classify my "disorders." He explained that the form made him very uncomfortable and he did not want to have to classify me. He asked me how I felt and I explained that he could basically classify me as anything he wanted and I gave him several psychological terms to choose from; neurotic, psychotic, paranoid, atypical and the likes. At first he thought that I was kidding, and I explained that I did not personally care what he wrote or what people might think of me. I told him he could instead submit some of my writings and ask the insurance carrier what they thought and if they thought I needed help. I told him that my writings would certainly contain enough controversial material so that they could judge it until judgment day. I further explained that more than enough people have labeled my thoughts throughout my life, always ending up telling me that I am "crazy." He still did not feel comfortable with the form and I told him that if it were uncomfortable for him, he did not have to submit it because he was my friend. I said that if he would not feel good, not to submit it and I would pay for therapy without insurance, he felt like he would be falsifying the claim as he thought I was perfectly normal and using insurance to pay for an interpersonal quest did not qualify as a disorder. He then asked if my father had called him while I was in Florida for a problem between the two us. Dr. A is originally and still is my fathers therapist. I told him that there were no episodes that I felt I could justify the call. He asked why my father had not returned his return call and I explained I did know. He then asked about my sister Lisa's fiancée, Jeff, and I explained that I found him friendly and open. He asked if he was acceptable to the family. I explained that my family is very critical of outsiders because we demand openness when so many are closed. Since my family has had therapy surrounding it for the last 30 years (my mother started at 21), we are incredibly expressive in our feelings. We feel that everyone must be this way, because we think it is wonderful and this can drive you crazy. I was happy that my sister had picked someone based on true characteristics versus the man in a facade. It made right a poem I wrote her when she was experiencing a heavy crisis in her life, where she was very confused over men. Overnight she blossomed into a naturally beautiful girl, as with all my sisters and she began to lose focus of herself. High school was plagued with her transformation to a selfish stage were she focused on surface appearance and she kept finding herself with shallow relationships. Prior to this phase she was bright and intellectual. Very intellectual, in fact one of the few people as creative and independent as myself, full of true passion and in this self centered phase she disappeared. I wrote to her at this point: POEM The flower just grows and dies, The petals beauty, just a lie. A trap is set and ready to snare, For all who see beauty surface deep. The nectar so sweet yet it's deception clear, It sticks to the fool's which beauty has reaped. In essence explaining that the surface of a person perhaps represents a mere 5% or so of the person, and to base love on 5% gets you 5% loved. 4/13/92 And to further on this subject, a more recent poem on this topic. POEM OUR CHILDREN'S FATE PART I Petty are the thoughts of mankind in the face of death. Weary world, wipe your eyes, and see the grander and greater sky. Center not upon yourself, you are but an integral part, Entropy your continuous friend in heart. Answers will never come. We go through life on instinct, In your end you will be known for yours alone. Accept that you are not the whole, For that is the fool who has no soul. Love all equally! There is no greater or grander thing. To place yourself on a pedestal so high, Is to miss the beauty of the skies, And set yourself apart, all, all, alone, in the dark. Blind? Afraid? Above the rest? Cry not that you missed the best. Destiny in your control, Your every action a reflection of your final soul. Selflessness the goal, of a truly loving soul. It seems to me we only see But for a brief bit of our eternity; The greater and the grander things, Which with it this strange life does bring. For past, present, and future are of no concern, For as a part, you see no start, And would be fool hearted to linger on the end. Before your birth, in this blind state, Where did you abate? When you die, where will you next rise? I ask these questions in disguise, To not arose fear within your eyes But instead to fill your head with the magnanimity of your part. The glories of life surround you for a second, Or for eternity? How far backward or forward can you see, Fixated on this brief moment in your history? In one swift breathe your life will expire. Will one more be your desire? Or are you content with your lives fire, Knowing you will forever go higher? Not frightened of what lies ahead, Anticipating the wonders of what's now living And will soon be considered dead. For you will always be a part, Of g-d's greatest piece of art, No matter what kind of heart. But will your soul be filled with the joys, Of the greater and the grander things, With which it this strange life does bring? In orbit all around, Life's greatest pleasures abound, Wake to see the morning light, In a truly selfless plight. PART II Weary world, open your eyes And see the changes necessary for life to continue. Children rise! Rebellion and revolution must save the skies, Our self indulgences are killing us so, In the race to be civilized, Mankind lost it's chivalry. Blinded in fright, greed and insecurity, He no longer can see salvation's light. If the children do not raise up the fight, Evil thoughts and actions will soon look right. Taught from birth to accept the "normal" state And raise not objection, The child grows in complete deception. Poor mother earth, must surely be in hell, To deliver from her womb man, The destructive force that delves to kill her next born. To see all her children divided against one another, Killing and beating her lovin' creatures. No respect for Her wombly nurture, No life may have a future! In our deceptive state, man has taken giant gaits, To bring her to her knees, To prove her wrong and himself right. When she is beaten so goes our fate. Time has played against her, I doubt if she will again be able to nurture. Maybe, it is time to nurture her, From sea to shining sea And rebuild her womb, The atmospheric and environmental sea. With no time in the looking glass, The abuses must change fast. Solutions are easy. Change seems impossible. With the answers clear, What can mankind truly fear; Possibly the loss of his wars, creed, and greed, All sick and wrong claims of his victory. For these his most prized possessions, Seem more the devils obsessions. Children behold these problems of old, To forget the problems only makes them grow. It will be on your youthful heads to make a stance, For yours and all creatures future chance. From this gross scene of our ancestors past, You are responsible to bring it back to beauty at last! Do not bow in despair, All is not yet lost, Conquer these fears Or you will pay the cost! The Dr. and I further talked of my desire to de-civilize and get back to nature. He asked if I were going due to recent set-backs and the lack of reward for hard work. I explained that it is not because I am running away from these things, instead these things have helped pave my vision. Certainly the setbacks have been major and maybe for your sake I should fill you in on the death of the black sheep but then I must relate the rest of the free association. Another misnomer in life, (as funny as life insurance, or should it be death insurance?) is how can free be associated with the process of therapy when the bills are so large? Just average it out at 20 years of therapy twice a week at $80 a session ($166,400) and two and a half years at Grove school ($70,000). Hell of a price to pay for free association, but worth every penny. So the twisted and sick story of the death of the black sheep. Such personal stories are so hard to expose. When I was a child, as you are familiar with the stories, I demanded constant attention from my parents and in my home I became the easy scapegoat for all problems. If something were wrong, I was blamed, most of the time at that point it was true. If somebody did something wrong it was easy to diffuse the situation by attacking me for I would become extremely defensive and reactive, and create a larger situation to be dealt with than their own. Whenever excess steam had to be blown, a reason could be found to release the steam on me. Wonder why I used to have some paranoid thoughts? Well when I went to Grove I thought I had overcome this type of problem. I learned things while being away, like when my family aroused these scapegoat feelings I had two choices, to walk away or attack with open arms and kisses. Not that I did not falter many times because of their intense knowledge of my vulnerabilities and lash out in anger. Yet it was in these instances I would call Dr. A and scream my anger and pain. With each angry scene I learned compassion, for I always had to not only come to understand my own point of view but the others involved. Slowly these scenes disappeared from my life and I was out having a ball. High school was a joke and I had a tight circle of friends, and Heidi my main girlfriend from 12-20. Rarely did I attend classes, I just began doing the readings independently, and blowing off school. When I would blow off school, my friends would blow it off and we would go explore the world, unafraid. Unafraid for if we ever needed an excuse or alibi my mother was handy, she never restricted us. My friend, Jim and I, actually had prefabricated and manufactured excuses with our parents manufactured signatures. Jim missed more school for the orthodontist than any kid that never had braces. I graduated high school with decent grades and minor emotional outbursts. 4/11/92 Europe in the summer, 16 countries, and then off to college in Lawrence, Kansas. Kansas was miserable after a trip to Europe and so after a year I knew why Dorothy had packed it up and did likewise. Back home and school at The University of Illinois. Good grades for the first semester and then the car accident. After surgeries and recovery and a trip to Florida and St. Thomas, I finished my remaining finals. Since graduating high school I wanted to go to the University of Wisconsin, Madtown and so I did. My head was still spinning a bit from the wreck, yet I began focusing on my vision; a school for children that don't fit in the "norm." In the midst of the largest continuous party on the planet earth, I began to find direction. School did not seem enough, so I began selling some insurance to help pay for my party at college. Everything seemed to be going too well for my life. I had a bunch of friends, school was a blast and I began the business which I now find so constraining on my purpose. By the time graduation was rolling around I had five college friends working with me, I had employed twelve and I was ready to move on to graduate school. There was one significant problem though, it had to be somewhere else, the Midwest's' grueling cold was killing me. Since the accident I have not breathed as well. Smashing my sinus' and all, left me with about 80% less air to my head. The headache is not like anything you have encountered, it never really goes away. I have termed it a nuclear headache. After recovery I was prescribed hosts of narcotics to try and alleviate the pain, and slowly I was becoming an addict. A few months of narcotics in the morning, noon and night, can completely remove one from this world, even codeine. When I awake to see the morning light there is a large throbbing, aching and painful feeling in my head. My morning yawn hurts worse and everything creaks and cracks. In order to get out of bed with a head that feels like a brick is difficult, add a little cold with congestion and you have a ton of bricks. Good morning. After a few months of being a junkie, I smoked a joint, and I will share with you here the wonderful sensation I have felt every day since. The pain did not disappear, instead it became a classical piece of music in the background of my mind. I could focus, and the pain surrounding under my eyes and all around no longer interfered with my ability to think. It was becoming very difficult to go to college and study, let alone stay awake at all on narcotics. Even when you are awake you are in a constant dream on opium, the pain is completely gone but so are you. In this catatonic state you become itchy, irritable and depressed, you can not focus on anything. If I get a severe head cold I prefer this state of pain elimination and still get it on request. I do not live with a severe head cold, I do though live with pain. Marijuana does not kill the pain, it just gets me better in tune with it and thus once I get in the rhythm I can go about my day. The only problem I have ever had with smoking is societies reaction to it, as if taking the narcotics is better because it is not illegal. I have never hidden that I smoke because in my mind, my g-d planted it for me. Without marijuana, I would have never: gotten out of bed, read (extreme headaches are more common when reading or typing on this computer screen and you should try either on extended narcotics), graduated college (B.S. Psychology), been able to type these words and never enjoyed the mornings. Like I said, marijuana does not kill the pain, yet it allows me to be awake and alive, appreciating the beauty of the day. You condemn me for this, I do not care any longer and never will again. Many years ago I decided that despite all the pressure from the outside world, I would not sacrifice my world. I have liked drugs throughout my life and I never really thought it was anybody else's concern. I was never an addict prior to my accident to anything, I partied occasionally. After my accident I made what to me is a very wise choice of what drug to become addicted to, I still only party with the rest. I have always had a hard time with how society can pick and choose the choice of acceptable drug for people. Most drugs of choice are natural and have been around and being used for centuries before the children we sentence today as criminals. B.C. and A.C. both were filled with nature's drugs and were used by man. Every religious ceremony, in most cult's, are still filled with what we have come to call cheer. Is alcohol any better than opium etc. Humanity has a predisposition to getting fucked up, I am not feeling guilty for three thousand years of addictions passed down to me. No one will ever control me through the drugs I choose, calling it any more "right or wrong" than their own. The 60's revolution was suppressed by the governments ability to make criminals out of their children. As far as casualties while intoxicated, I have caused none, but name a war in which drugs (alcohol included), were not involved; from the leader to the soldier. When man becomes intoxicated he has a habit of becoming belligerent, and in his disoriented world tries imposing his disorder on others. It is as if the drugs are acting to make him violent. No, the drugs are simply allowing one to express uninhibited their sick and twisted beliefs. The more inhibited and confused you are, the greater the dependency on drugs to remove you from inhibitions. Trust me, I never once took a drug to remove my inhibitions and act freely. Note: I turned on my computer and threw my pillow on the couch, the pillow hit the computer and hit in at the C:>?', I wondered if it had just typed in the best question to a computer, I just had to hit return and see the answer, perhaps the secrets to the digital world would be revealed to me. Instead, the computer informed me that the world had more than questions, it said bad command or file name, possibly it had nothing more to say? No, I am probably crazy. Drugs were simply another form of escape from the confinement of society, a temporary relief. The more emphasis society places on the "drug problem," the more society creates a dark and forbidden drug subculture. You would think that society would have learned from prohibition, that removing the drug of choice will lead to a revolt from the people. They will risk being labeled criminal in order to get a fix, laws are of no concern. Since society grandfathered alcohol, since they could not suppress the revolt, the alcohol problem disappeared and you are left with a handful of addicts. The average person does not live with a bottle every day, all day, most of us drink moderately. Villains like Alfonse Capone, are now legitimate business men, peddling the same drug we once killed them for selling. Why had American society tried and removed something that seemed almost a part of the living condition, because it was unproductive to the system instituted. If the people were drinking to much, they were not working as productively for the "perfect" system. To keep the people doing the "right" thing for their lives, we instituted the famous system of rewards and punishments, for acceptable behavior. The flaw with removing alcohol from the social scene came in that the entire population became "wrong," and the system could not punish them all or productivity would decline to nil, except behind bars. So, the system changed the rules. Until the 60's revolution there did not seem to be a "problem" and the roaring twenty's continued to roar. When the children revolted on the "system," and would no longer participate in the "system"; the "system" revolted back in classical style. If the children would not blindly submit to fighting in Vietnam and withdrew from the "system", the "system" would punish them. Yet, when the system is asking children to blindly submit to death in battle for no good reason, how do you control them, and make them submit? One way was to make inaction to the "system" a crime, make draft dodging illegal. Another way, take away their drugs and make them criminal and kill the rebellion. To much LSD and the likes leads to; kids skipping school, skipping work, and taking a "long strange trip." The beginnings of anarchy, kids were beginning to set up alternate "systems" such as communes and society could not stand to lose the next generation of workers for the "system." Yet all these methods were failing and the "system" adjusted, for there was no way to suppress the revolution, other than making all the children criminals, and so, Vietnam ended. With the end of Vietnam did not come the end of drugs, the "system" was afraid that if the children choose an altered state they would not conform to the "system" as well. Again we find that everyone is now a "criminal" or a closet user and the preacher, the arch angel of the "perfect" system, runs about condemning anyone who does not conform to the new order. After thirty years of trying to control the problem, the system has again failed and now may be faced with the obvious, change. Beware, change often means revolution and that will mean that most of what we have come to believe is "right and wrong" will undergo radical reform. Hide not for it is rapidly approaching you, if you can not see it coming, look about at the faltering "systems." If you are in denial, you will look about for scapegoats to blame for the problems in your "perfect world". Scapegoats bring us full circle back to the point, if any, regarding scapegoats. Graduation was filled with applause by the "system" my behavior had been successfully modified and this was beyond the expectations of most people who knew me as a child. My parents were proud, my siblings were proud, society was proud, Dr. A was impressed, and I had adapted just fine, although I found it left me with no free time, my favorite time. What exactly is owned time? I was gaining tons of love and support in my family as well, something that like all children I desperately yearned for. My father, sister and I, in one business. My brother and I, in another business. My own business and my own education. Not bad for a "juvenile delinquent," "drug addict," "crazy" boy. My doctor after the accident, tried several times throughout college to repair the damage to my face. He then told me he could continue to perform surgeries to make it 75% worse than normal or I could pack up my bags and move somewhere where the weather would not compound the problem. Home would have been out of the question, as I do better on my own and thus I picked California. Everything seemed to be going so well, business was going well. My friends and I, lived and worked together in a very cooperative setting. 4/14/92 It felt so good to reel through those pains and see how things actually turned out. I will explain how things that went around, came around. Again I would be jumping way ahead and throwing you poor reader all over the place on these strange and historical adventures. I would get all wrapped in another tangent, so many thoughts have plagued my mind, while I have been inputting the past. I am going to Saint Barthelme on may 14th to get in some practice at island life, I will bring my fishing pools and my notebook computer, I should find myself. Thanks Dad and JF, for this notebook computer, which brings us to the next thought. How to publish my thoughts when I decide to make public so many of my personals. I must build a data bank of raw, uncensored, human thoughts, categorized as best as humanly possible. I would love your thoughts on how to best compile the data or maybe we should just enter it as it comes and sort it later. The Thought Journal can be accessed by all via modem, it can be accessed whenever needed but for now fax works easier. As a united thought bank, we can place all of our problems worldwide into it and get answers. Thoughts from all creed and kinds of people, not limiting our thoughts. For example, as we begin to fear ozone holes, we might input the problem and receive thoughts back from all, variety the spice of life. No thought greater than another. We are all lost and confused on this great spinning space rock, I have listened to all those who claim to have the answers, only theories do they preach. The Thought Institute is not looking for answers, it is only for theory. There is no right or wrong answer, there are no defined questions. No boundaries exist within the Thought Institute, no rules or regulations must guide your thoughts and you will remain completely anonymous. I will continue publishing my thoughts, if these amount to anything, for life. I will be the sacrificial lamb of the Institute, the only thoughts with a name. My thoughts are for your conveyance, to judge and dissect, or just listen to, and feel safety that your thoughts will not be subject to the cruel and stagnating process of criticism. One hour and eight minutes to my next infamous story, the twisted and perverse encounter with the IRS. Well, at 28 I count most disasters of people over 50; death, divorce and taxes. I do not jest when I say that when death warms me over, I will have lived a thousand years of history. I will venture forward without regret or despair. I have denied myself nothing in this lifetime, I have tasted all the fruits of creation, I will return again to these very fruits, I will arise again as knew organic material, as I have been doing for ages. Within the chronicles of this lifetime are such strange and bizarre stories, I wonder if it has always been this fascinating and confusing. Well, I guess the time has come for this strange encounter to unfold. Unfolding before my eyes and yours is this very small an intricate analysis of my financial history in the business world. How I got into the business world is beyond my explanation, I was swept in and like a tornado, my whole existence became consumed within. I was reviewing my final college records with DW (revised finally to remove the Hebrew Studies class, another complete and separate story) and we counted the number of business classes I had taken, a whole three. Here I am 9 years later, President of a 9 year old company, doing; accounting, computer programming, marketing, product design, management, payroll, stock filings, corporate minutes, sales and being audited. A good start for someone with an advanced business degree, but a Psychology major? My dream is to help children, not make money. Thus my business career has helped a lot of kids in need and made me very little money and a mountain of debt, not yet including the total of the audit, with accounting fee's. Are you finally starting to understand why I need to remove myself from this environment, beyond my distaste of man. The amount of time and energy necessary to run the insurance business has always been an early beginning in training to later operate a school for free thinking children. S.B. Lexington Insurance Agency, Inc., Southwest, has been one very beneficial institution for society, I am now about to pay the tax bill, as well as, the millions of other bills I am bound to. Then good-bye to the insurance end of business, on to writing as a business, and helping children as the end result. In order to help children who are "lost and confused" by definition, there are many valuable lessons I will carry from the way this company was run. Every single person who has worked with me, at first was an underdog for whatever the reason, or a rebel and each found a place to develop their own skills. Since none of the charter members; JF, BF, PM and myself, had any degree's in business, we did it all off the cuff. Packing up two U-Haul's and attaching them to the two cars we had, we pioneered our way across the United States. We had a $30,000 line of credit at the bank and I had about $15,000 of savings. I had chosen Irvine California a few weeks earlier, by folding the map between San Diego and Los Angeles. I flew out for a week with my parents and Lisa, and picked 10 Clover. From the day I arrived in California, I have worked harder than most people do in their entire lifetimes. We had no clients or friends in California. We all lived together, and worked together, day and night, struggling to break even. The first year we spent all our money getting the business established, and designing the Arbitrage program. It was all expenses, as we had to begin cold calling for clients, in uncharted territories. Everyone helped endlessly, as we knew that the business was the essence to our survival. There were no defined role, it was help out in whatever capacity and much of our time was spent plugging up holes in the boat. When we were sinking, my father usually threw us a tow rope and helped us out, I owe him debt higher than high. By the beginning of the third year, amazing success was rolling in. We finally made a profit, paid off a lot of debt, and thought we were unstoppable. We had successfully marketed and sold the two wealthiest individuals in the State of California; The Irvine Company - Donald L. Bren, and, The Marvin Davis Companies. The 11th and 14th wealthiest men in the country, not bad for misfits. I do not think I was cognizant to the jealousies this was causing amongst my siblings, I was to busy working. Yet my successes were everywhere. I am the leading sales agent of the Arbitrage, I was the leading producer for my brother in No-Load (a product he pioneered), I was the number one rookie agent at Allianz / Fidelity Union and my clients were all millionaires or billionaires. We were selling insurance night and day, the office truly never slept. I found what I thought to be the love of my life and married her. All was going to well, the underdogs were all proud of their achievements. My parents have helped out every single kid that has walked through our doors, are home has always been a communal place for those who have disturbed pasts. My parents should have been analysts, they love to encourage people to take control of their own lives, they are monumental examples. Which brings to mind a poem I wrote and don't give me your perfect parent bit, no parents are perfect, as no children are, this is an imperfect world, this poem is for the most imperfect of those worlds. POEM THE EVIL BOND From the womb the cord is cut; Yet the bond may not be severed enough And the child may enter a world but; The world may be cold and very very rough. Learning and modeling what's in the home, Difficult for the child to become its own. The child so innocent, helpless and free, Entering a world which may be full of strife. The only world the child may ever see, The child may emulate and pattern the past for life, No matter how terrible it may be. Close your eyes not to these suffering children, For they have few tools to change the world there in. Out of the warm nurturing sea, Into a violent and disturbing dream, Of generations past and hidden within the scenes; No normalcy can the child grip onto or lean. Excepting what is, as the only way, Few children can ever break or sway. Tis' evil working its way each day, Which causes the child to harden in heart. Arteriosclerosis as the minds veins decay, Can the child break the bond which tears it apart. So difficult the task for a child to undertake, To free itself from years of past mistakes. From birth the child taught to accept fate, Knowing not what is right or wrong, Learning from parents whose fate already sealed in slate. The battle to change normally a sad sad song. Expect no metamorphosis the struggle intense, The child must use logic and common sense. In a war against a bloodline of anger and irrationality, The child's mind empty, like a blank book, Etched in the pages before birth, a horripalating history. If the child is to overcome it must take a long long painful look, To traverse against the tide a struggle indeed, you see, So many drown from the battering, So many more give in and flow out to the past sea. The parents trained to kill any objections, To hard to see the errors of the past they have accepted. Like looking at Medusa to see their reflection; Their hearts would turn to stone from the deceptions. Already to late for them to renew the fight, The parents turn on the child with all of their might. The bile of the past coming disguised in love and care, The child accepting these as the basic needs: For one does not want to be left alone in a world of fear, Knowing the basics will be withheld if the child does not adhere. To stand up and fight for what one believes right, Takes courage and the want to never lose sight. What sights are these that can drive one insane, If they are not repressed within the brain? That guilt the child to accept the blame, And revolt on the fact that it is a historical game. To question the past and the parents one needs, Can open ones eyes to the culprit indeed. Can a child truly damn his parents for the evil chain Or have pity and compassion as they are only a link? Mortal people who could not withstand, so succumbed in pain, From fear and desperation they did sink. The child must remove them from the pedestal so high And see them naked, like you and I. Each day the child retreats to an inner shell, Harder and harder the struggle for reality becomes. The greater the chance for a life in a living hell, Another link to the past abuse, the child may succumb. Oh, pity the poor babe that can not overcome, For it is the final setting of the innate sun. Once the past is ingrained and the driving force, The child loses freedom to blind faith. The path now clear cut, a most ignorant course. Like a horse controlled by the reins, I rest my case. Beware, beware children DO NOT CLOSE YOUR EYES FOR A SECOND, For once blind the problems can not be reckoned. So how does one change the bloodline gone insane Without condemning the parents to the executioners block? The answer is simple; love, care, compassion and an understanding of the game. Blame only causes guilt which tightens the lock. To you dear children who yearn to stem the evil tide, Don't give up or in - DO NOT RUN AND HIDE! Instead stand on your toes and fight till the end, The dragons of past raising their fiery heads again and again. As you try and break the wicked and evil trends, The fire will get hotter and burn your soul thin; As the past generations attempt to win, By guilting the child to accept the sin. The point, unconditional love is best and obtainable. A simple but true story, that evidences within a bloodline, how degenerative psychological problems are passed generation to generation. A horror story that encompasses the sickest of crimes, crimes to helpless infants, which enshroud their lives in a miserable mirage of pain from generations past and yet lying malignant within the scenes. As the innocent infant victim grows, you will see a metamorphosis to the next generation of victimizer. In direct contrast to this story, that will evolve the greatest of your compassion to bear, another story will unfold, within the same bloodline. This story will emphasize the ability of a child to break the chain, the historical pattern of abuse; and alter the course of one's destiny, of the destiny of future generations. A rebel for sanity in a world covered deep in years of insanity. This story will need no compassion on your part, instead it will fill your heart with joy, as you witness true pain exposed at the nerve. A free spirit will rise and the price will be heavy. Grant no sympathy to the rebel's struggle and pain or you may find yourself in the darkest corners of your mind, confused and afraid, that within, your own spirit lies dormant. Most minds go throughout life never re-surfacing these memories, choosing instead, to forget, or deny their existence. Utilizing so much of the brains limited energy to hide from these pains. Hiding from the source of ones pain allows no room for analysis of what causes the pain, a life of denial begins. Slowly the brains energy becomes completely consumed in the process of denial, growth stagnates, a psychotic senility begins. The mind disassociated with reality and in pain, more helpless than an infant mind. The pain we hide from normally is projected in a complex maze of facades at this point and thus we are confused as to the exact nature of the source. Technically a good name for the process of denying the source of pain would be self-lies. Like all lies, the more they are used the greater the web which enshrouds your mind from the truth becomes. The mind justifies these lies in attempting to hide from the pain, yet as with most lies, the longer they are continued, the harder it becomes to remember the truth. In essence the mind begins to accept the lies as truth to protect itself from pain, yet retains the pain in the unconscious mind. For example, building a defense of one's parents actions, idolizing them, denying the pain they may be causing you, is in order to avoid confronting the feelings which cause you guilt. Guilt causes fear of abandonment or fear of the withdrawal of your primary love. Lying within the unconscious like a cancer, these repressed events silently devour life's mental energy. Yet, cancer of the mind takes years to be detected and by the time it is discovered it is often to late to fix, as the end of this story illustrates. Therapy has to be the single greatest tool my mother and father used to work out past problems which were affecting them. Therapy offering the emotional outlet one normally turns to parents, friends or cults for. Yet parents, friends and cults are full of opinionated advice which can be laced with malice or may in fact be bad advice. At times the advice becomes tainted with guilt, the intent, to gain control. If one does not heed the advice of parents, friends, or cults, they become angry. In an attempt to persuade you to their belief they employ tactics such as guilt, which often leave long lasting scars. Love is often a key element of guilt. When love is used as a tool to persuade or manipulate one to accept beliefs, the pain and agony that result are the driving forces of submission. For example, when one does not obey the will of parents, parents may often threaten the withdrawal, or truly withdraw their love from their children. Love is the main emotional element of the human condition, one which affects our every behavior. When love is unconditional it may be the greatest single feeling a human being may ever have. When love has conditions it is a tragedy for the spirit, the spirit becomes plagued with; guilt, self doubt, self worthlessness, hopelessness, hate, anger, fear and an inability to act freely. Neuroses and/or psychosis are the results from the threat or withdrawal of love. Since children are afraid of losing this primary love, when it is used against them by their parents, they normally obey their parents will. The child becomes conditioned to respond to the withdrawal of love with submissive responses, they begin the process of denial and repression and accept the abuse as a normal part of life and love. When the child feels guilty it has acted out of accord with the parents will, it becomes afraid of being abandoned or un-loved. The actions of children are normally attempts of winning approval from their parents. When the child is criticized condemned, or abandoned for it's actions without reason or rhythm, and then threatened with love, the child hates. Both hate for itself and hate of the parents. The hate for the parents causes guilt, causing the child to hate itself more. The child begins to build an elaborate defense system to justify the parents actions, and thus protect itself from the threat of withdrawal of love, to protect itself from the guilt of hating ones parents. Love begins to have conditions, and the child feels that it can not be loved unless it acts in accordance with these conditions. Despite the fact that the conditions are not consistent and have no logical foundation. What are these conditions? They are normally either undefined or highly defined. Start with unconditional love, love that has no conditions. Under this assumption, a child can do, think, or say anything to ones parents, knowing that the worse response is disapproval. Not fearing the threat of withdrawal of love or abandonment, these children are not limited in their actions by tremendous guilt. Conditional love arises when the parents begin to use their love to gain submissive responses from their children, when they desire their children to think and act like themselves. The child is expected to act in accordance with rules and regulations, when it does not, a bombardment of criticisms follow or physical abuse. The parents can not understand the child's ability to be a child and not act in accordance with adult fashion, thus they deploy methods of punishment, usually strikingly similar to those employed on them. Punishment and discipline are attempts to condition children versus using logic and rationale. Since there is often no logic or rationale in the parent's behavior, it would be impossible to deploy it to convince the child. This is where the trait to misinterpret reality begins. The child must accept the conditions placed on them or continue to receive punishment and discipline. A life of guilt or a life of denial begins. Punishment is designed to destroy the free will and make for conformity to rules and beliefs. When the child acts out of accordance and it's free will is challenged, the child may respond in two ways; rebellion and defiance or submission and conformity. Rebellion and defiance normally leads to greater punishment. Submission and conformity are repressed rebellion, the child simply internalizes and shuts down versus expressing the pain. If the child's free will is destroyed in these moments by the guilt inflicted, the child begins the process of a life of conformity. These pains are part of the hurting caused by loved ones, which provoke feelings of hate towards those we love, which cause feelings of guilt. Often the guilt leads to repressing the hate, anger and pain caused by those we love, instead turning these feelings inward and on ones self. Often the pain one feels from loved ones is very real, the question is if the pain was relieved or repressed. It is difficult to relieve the pain for one must look at the actions of the controlling force with logic and rationale, not conform, facing even further punishment, discipline and rejection. Far easier is it to repress, forget, and justify the illogical and irrational behavior employed by those we love to once again be loved and accepted. What are the pains I refer to? The pain of having a disturbed childhood. The pain of remembering how you were made to feel worthless, helpless, un-loved, victimized, and miserable. How you tried to please your parents and could not, how love became a lie and the world of anger, hurt and pain overwhelmed you. The mind is like any other part of the body, compare it to a bone for example. Assume you break your leg. You can go to a doctor and fix the break or leave it alone and let it heal itself. The first option would seem the best option, for the break is fresh and can be set to heal straight, causing no further problems. The second option also allows one to walk again but with a limp, the bone will not normally set straight, take longer to heal and cause imbalance in ones stance. If after years of walking with a limp, you decide to fix the problem, you must go back to the original break, break the bone again, releasing pain equal to the original trauma, and reset the bone properly. Of course you could take the easy way out and buy shoes with angled heals. Yet, if the bone is reset and re-healed one walks straight again, without angled heals. The point of angled heals being that there are many quick fix approaches that will offset the problem but truly never fix it at the source. Most minds accept quick fix approaches and thus most minds leave this world with a broken mind. An autopsy can not reveal the damage of the mind, since it disappears with you, leaving no physical evidence. The evidence of broken minds normally showing years later in their offspring. The only way to heal mental pain at its source, is to traverse to point of fracture, re-break and reset the wound, experiencing the original pain once again, the pain you have been trying to find heals to match, that has caused your mental limp. In journeying towards the wounds, one must remove the years of lies and denial and attempt to see clearly the traumatic experience at point of fracture. Once the point of fracture has been discovered, the processes of re-breaking and resetting begin. Healing the reward. The first step, to minimize contact with those causing the pain. Can you imagine the pain one must feel in disconnecting one's parents? Which is greater, the pain of enduring their abuse or the pain of turning one's cheek one's parents? Parents who accept that they are not perfect are great, they allow their children to see that they are not perfect beings, that change is possible. No guilt that your are not perfect but acceptance and love of your imperfection, loving you unconditionally with your flaws. As I said before, heaven may be here on earth. These changes in philosophy come at a price. I cannot believe how many times in my life people justified their own crazy behavior by saying, "I am right, you are wrong because you go to a shrink and therefore are crazy." Even though I may be crazy it has never justified their actions. Reminds me of Don Quixote, everyone calling him crazy and yet their actions being far crazier and full of malice and bad intent. My parents imperfections and their ability to realize them, has always made me feel they are almost perfect. I think a more personal example might help understand what kind of parents they were, even though it is not part of the current ebb. I was an incorrigible kid. Rebellion was the first word I learned, I have grown to master the term. When I was about 8 I began to rebel against the norm, I instead believed that I could learn everything on my own. No one would be able to ever tell me what was right or wrong, good or bad, up or down. Obviously, other than parents, school and religion were the two greatest preachers, and I rebelled against the thought and force control aspects of all. Parents are included, I did not listen to a thing they said, I had to learn on my own, I did not want to be protected and sheltered. As a kid I did not have society in the palm of my hand, more often I had societies hand on my ass. Laugh you might, I truly paid a price in the school of hard knocks, my life was in utter ruins and the world was saying we told you so's, at thirteen. It is in these most painful moments of life, other than getting some therapy, when the world seems to have you down, that I would avoid force or thought control completely, I would find the problem on my own, I would solve it on my own. Anyone who tried to help me with opinionated advice immediately came under attack, as I would argue on my beliefs. Once I believe something it is very difficult to argue with me, I have learned it on my own, I have felt it. For example, say the world was crashing around me, self confidence reaching record lows, why did I not reach out for religious counseling? How can someone else tell me to have faith and belief in what I do not know. From this type of upbringing, I can have faith and belief in anything I feel for myself. I cannot be told to feel a certain way without first understanding why. Since I cannot understand how I got here and why I am here to myself, how can you explain it to me? I mean nobody sounded sure their religion was right and there were too many. How could this be? If we are sure our religious choice is right than we should be able to convince the rest of the world on pure logic, not on cult tactics. Are these thoughts you are preaching to me about existence your own? if not how do I know the guy who told you was right? Personally I have always thought nobody had a better answer than myself, yet I believe in myself, my answer was to pray to my g-d, the g-d of uncertainty and confusion, the only answers I get when trying to solve such endless enigmas. My g-d simply requires me to respect life, all life and enjoy the fact that I am allowed to think, reason and rationalize about the wonder of it all, in this humanely form. My g-d offers no answers to why I am turned on in this form, he did not even inform me that I was going to exist, he did not ask. He will not ask for my approval when he turns me off, again offering no answers, not even a clue. I can not understand how anyone knows about this g-d when no clues exist, I wish he would have just left a note as to why. No parent, teacher or preacher could dissuade me from my beliefs, I argued them all. Teachers and preachers always ended up arguing if I were crazy or not with me, never giving me an understanding of their point of view when logic failed, my parents did not know what to do. Therapy at 8, sent away at 13, not a pretty picture. Most parents would have given up or denied the existence of the problems of a rebel. You may think this sending me away was abandonment, I did, but only later did I see it as love. How? Well, I was not going anywhere in the system, I revolted on all advice, parental advice as well. There was no talking to me about subjective issues, unless you wanted to argue the far side, the fact that we know nothing. I argue that there is no right or wrong, good or bad (there is evil however), up or down, and if there are answers I challenge you to prove it. I was beating up teachers and preachers early on, they often attacked free spirits, the rebel, instead of accepting the mental challenge. They argued with sticks and stones, some actually trying to break my bones or wring my neck, of course they could always start a fight by calling me crazy because I see a shrink. When attacked with insult or injury I have had a very elaborate defense system, attack back ten times harder till the other stops attacking. I am not sure if it is right or wrong, good or bad, or, up or down. I feel they are trying to make me accept what they have accepted as truth and if I do not accept their truth I am somehow insulting them. They attack, I attack back ten times as hard, they go away. They always go away calling me crazy, I always feel bad. Maybe I should change strategies, and ignore them when they act this way but I am caring, and my anger is simply to stop them from trying to hurt me or convert me. When my parents realized that my spirit was my own and that it could not be altered in normal fashion, they choose to teach me to understand it and find myself within it. When parents abandon children they do not send them away with love and care and to solve the problems that are causing the home problems and get their kid back. Yet that is exactly what my parents did. They basically said I was getting into to much trouble, going in directions that were unsafe, having no fun alone against the world of conformists and was going away to be removed from the family and school setting which was non-productive for me to work my thoughts out. To fix my broken leg. And this is funny to note, that that whole dissertation on broken legs was because I really was sent away with a broken leg, on the airplane my father explained to me the broken bones and mental health bit, it made a lot of sense, I should quote that entire piece. They were correct about all of the above, but it came at a price. To have to send a child you love away, and pray that it is for the best, and things normally in your control no longer will be, is hell. Most parents hide from the problems, they justify sending their children away as better for both, they feel helpless and thus send them away with no hope. Where my parents sent me was a boarding school with therapy, they had hope and this was insuring it a bit more. Socially they did not try to hide the problems, they confronted them openly and honestly, their kid was not perfect, but that would be OK. These were wicked painful times of my life, I did love my family dearly, I would just never think or believe the way they did. In the two years away I learned to incorporate my rebellion into productive channels that allowed me to integrate into society not prison. I came home and attended public high school, I graduated and went on to graduate college. Just emphasizes what unconditional love can do. It must be horrible when life has very little meaning left, when one no longer loves and admires the beauty of it all. This is the point were I believe mental energy is so strained, the mind succumbs to pain. No longer can one hide, the past pain re-surfacing as they begin to question and fear their end. Questioning their lives, having no answers, not understanding why their lives are like they are, feeling cheated of life's pleasures, will their unhappiness end with this existence or carry on in the next. The actions and in actions of their past haunting them, the mind begins an intricate scheme to avoid dealing with the self lies that re-surface, it often in fact goes crazy. Their facade slowly crumbles, misery shines through, it is as if they have run out of energy to keep running in denial. Reality catches up, and the mind is overwhelmed with guilt at the damage they have done, anger at the damage done to them. Anger which has been brewing for years explodes, the mind is overwhelmed, it slips greater and greater into denial. A wall of paranoia develops against everyone, they let no one in to their private hell. They are bitter, envious and hate all those who are happy. The only company they can tolerate is miserable company, always there to lend a hand when you are miserable. To suck you into their misery after listening to yours. Their advice tainted black, often saying "see I told you so." They offer you help at a price, you must sell your self to their ways, if you do not they turn on you in anger. They threaten the withdrawal of their love or friendship. They tell you how to behave and then if you do not heed, they make you feel more miserable than when you came to them. Do not tell them of happy events or times, do not even bother approaching them in this condition, somehow they turn it all around, get you upset, hurt your feelings or break your heart, normally sucking out your happiness. The only chance of affection from them, is to sell your life out to their beliefs, succumb your free spirit to a miserable one, and forgo happiness. Once choosing not to change the course of misery, one then becomes another link in a chain of misery. Yet, just because they have sold out their lives and this is sad, and you feel compassion for their pitiful souls, know that their actions are often evil, they have no other purpose than to cause pain and suffering. It is best that miserable people be avoided completely, once one has sold out to misery it is near impossible to recover happiness. Like vampires they exist as parasites sucking out life's happiness, killing their hosts. Be weary of their opinions and advice it is designed to cause pain. Premeditated thoughts and actions, premeditated in misery, acted out in misery, disguised as love and care. Because they believe the world is full of pain and suffering they often feel no remorse, see no wrong in their actions. Your pain of no concern, they often justify it as "best for you". They play on your weakness' and vulnerabilities, often attacking when your spirit is weakest. They often even blame their children in subtle ways, I mean they have been using guilt against them so long, and here is the grand finale. As they have used love to abuse, they use their deaths to abuse you, to guilt you. My advice, stay away from their beds or if in fact your love draws you near, wear ear plugs. Horrible are the cries of these miserable souls as they pass on to the next phase, I have compassion. To a degree I often feel relief, as if, what's gone around has finally come around. Silently though, I sigh a breathe of relief, they can cause no more damage, except to those few miserable souls who listened and will be affected for life, who may affect their children. 5/1/92 Letter to KLSX in response to Rodney King Dated 5/2/92 at 1:38am follows. A funny note on the way to the Forum first. KLSX would not take my phone call at the end of four hours of call in, so I asked if they take fax, my voice to the world. So wonderful that this Thought Institute can finally exist, better than kinky sex. Don't worry, I have decided that I will expose all about myself, uncensored and raw, to the Thought Institute. It is these voices in my head that I must respond to since dying in the car accident, this is part of a completely new and exotic therapy session that you may not yet understand. Dr. A assured me that it was normal and that I would understand when I read about the last days of Socrates. I have sitting next to me the book by Plato. Anyway, I have been trying to get this fax message through since the end of the show last night, but I can not reach KLSX on any of four (including fax line) of the phones currently ringing to them. It is driving me crazy all this ringing, and no response from a "news media." It is not that I am asking that much. I can not believe my ears, I was just mentioned on KLSX, as the guy who could not understand that the fax machine was broken due to an overloaded circuit. Please send me a copy of my first media transcript. I just dealt with Bob the phone guy, not his real name as he told me (hello "what a long strange trip," and I can't begin to tell you what I really mean) at KLSX, and he said, "they are working on the problem, they are just the weekend guys. I can totally relate, so I asked who these business guys were, and he said they were in Jersey, G Media Inc. (know that is a total joke, greater media without a fax.) We will leave this to the other guys, on Monday (as the cover states the following material is urgent and demands immediate attention, whether as to you voicing my message, and KLSX becoming instrumental in the inception of The Institute For Critical Thought, as the birthing place of this most instrumental tool for our futures.) Just mentioned again as the guy trying to fax. This is live airtime, I am so thrilled even though it is not the thoughts I want expressed on the air, and we are in the midst of a city under seize. Just mentioned as the crazy fax guy with a "classic" message, for the "classic" station. I could have expressed all these thoughts in just a few brief moments, yesterday at the four hour call in. I was to busy writing my "thoughts" in this journal to help save humanity, and when I called and the woman told me that I missed the show by seconds I began this long process to get this message through. The process has taken me continuously through the night. I feel like faxing a copy to the Los Angeles Times, good idea. I can' get through to them either because the Circuits are down in their area according to the operator. Just received the fax for the Los Angeles Times, I guess it they might the birthing place of the institute if I can get through to the President, a Mr. DL and or chief editor, SC III. We will fax the L.A. Times and go to sleep hopefully. Please let me sleep Los Angeles, I have been up days on end figuring our current situation. I have basically been awake since this newest of problems, the riots, writing and documenting to my journals endlessly. Talk about starting to feel a little crazy. Los Angeles, please forgive my lunacy in consideration. Good night and may you awake with the formation of a new institute for Peoplekind. To all people of the earth, Attention citizens of the earth, we are undergoing a revolution! If it is violent or peaceful will be up to us. The globe is undergoing another revolution. From the Agricultural Revolution came forth mass change across the planet, to the Industrial Revolution that has captivated the entire globe, polluting us all to death. Into the Global Age, the Global civilization, the war for our planet, and on to a united Peoplekind. From primitive and separate cults did we all arise, our ancestors' beliefs dictated by the ruling power of the time and space. These ruling powers came into existence founded on assumptions and theories of an extremely confusing place. All these thoughts were instituted in desperation, fear, and, confusion. Confusion at our total ignorance of this chaotic state we abate in. All institutions and cults seem only attempts at ordering chaos, to provide comfort from ignorance, with so called "facts." The continuous change in our theories, throughout time, is proof that we are never sure. If mankind had always been correct in its theories we would still be feeding people to the lions (I am not so sure we will not begin after Robert Alden Harris), we would still be praying to stone g-d's that threw lighting bolts at us, the earth would be flat, etc. Throughout these changes in beliefs, people have continuously died for this or that cause, since mankind began, only for a change to alter the belief, and yet all the blood still shed. Most of these changes have been violent and oppressive to this or that group. If the revolution is successful, the new group dominates and oppresses. As long as we view ourselves as separate based on things like; creed, color, religious ideals (theories), political ideals (theories), socio-economic status, age, and sex, we will find oppression. Changes occurring so fast that you can not comprehend them. Russia has learned that economies built on bombs and unlimited resources, end up with "valuable" things like useless nuclear bombs, a nuclear disaster and poverty. The U.S.A. is close behind with 17 trillion dollars of debt, and a land that was once beautiful, left robbed and reaped of it's natural resources, and potential nuclear hazards, throughout the nations populated cities. With the end of the Cold War, the most profitable war; will the U.S.A. sink into the same depression that World War II brought us out of, and the Cold War kept us out of? Will we go looking for World War, or police actions such as Iraq to keep us from the mounting Depression? Iraq was not a war, for I bet you can not name one famous battle that the hundreds of thousands of dead Iraqi's fought at. The Iraq war; a sale of old war weapons, weapons that were rapidly being executed off the budget. The US. and ally nations put on a great auction of their weapons inventory, while the rest of the world sat ideally by. Why if the Patriot missile system was so effective, did one lousy scud missile hit the U.S. Marine base, killing 28 more children? This great system supposed to fend off hundreds of missiles, from something like the great Iraqi offensive, at the Battle of the Sand Dune, performed horribly? One missile, coming directly at the entire system, it could not stop. I would not buy one for my life. More probably we were launching the scud from the U.S. Marine base, having CNN tune in, when things got muddled and it blew up in those poor children's faces. How about the "Stealth" bombers? Why did we need Stealth capabilities when the first strike with conventional fighter planes, I believe took out all of Iraq's radar systems in the opening moments of the war? So the people on the ground could not see them? What about the smart bombs that were stupid and killed so many innocent people? Finally, on this joke, I heard it rumored that Saddahm had amassed the third largest army in the world when we invaded, where were they? Only a short while ago Iraq went through the bloodiest battle on the planet, so many soldiers dead on both sides. They gave up, as children probably could not be reproduced that fast. When I tuned into CNN, I saw mainly starving children surrendering. Why did Saddahm move so many warplanes to his enemy nation, if he was a warrior? Oh yeah, if we were so adamant about the Kuwaiti's cause, why did we allow so much time to elapse before we took action? Possibly, we told Saddahm to fund his ten year battle against Iran, (that the good old nice guy U.S.A. put him power to fight and then subsequently sold arms to both sides?), by raping Kuwait who had stayed neutral and was rightfully Iraq's before those Britt's sliced and segregated the Middle East. When Saddahm was all through raping the profits of Kuwait, and we were through with our arm's sales show, by way of CNN to the world, we called it quits. In the end, Kuwait raped and ruined. War was good for the U.S.A., helping contracting firms to rebuild Kuwait, for the dying oil firms in Texas who got to put out a few flames and sell some equipment, and the gas mask industry. Still, Saddahm sits at his pool sipping Piña Colada's; with all Kuwait's wealth, and the dead children and innocents. I am proud to be an American? I am ashamed at the lack of protest from the rest of the world. Is this not how the Third Reich started, of course they too had "good" intent? Why if the U.S.A. is so concerned about human life, did we never go try to stop the Russians who killed millions under the Communist Regime, or the students and people in China after Tieneman Square, or Idi Amin Dada, or Fidel Castro, etc.? The Iraq war was the greatest incidence of cinematic propaganda manipulation by the government I have ever seen, the greatest sale, and trust me I am a great salesman, (having sold Marvin Davis and the Irvine Company in California when I was 25), the people of the U.S.A. and the free world bought it. Yet unless we police the world, the war industry will die, and that is a sick and wrong theory! Yet, if you are looking for a war, I have one, the environment. A battle I would rather die for than any cause we have killed each other for since "mankind." We are killing the creatures of this earth with our wastes, at these astonishing rates of consumption for an already over populated world. We must battle to save the earth. All inhabitants, people united, worldwide, as caretaker of mother earth. What a war! For the first battle, we can "kill two birds with one stone," we can use the end of the war industry to begin the war to save the environment. For example, Russia, take those nuclear bombs that you are about to bury in our precious earth, next to our valuable resources (like you did at Chernobyl that sprayed the atmosphere with nuke shit, and hit the water tables at 8 feet), and rocket the nuclear wastes and toxic wastes, now running through our children and all the creatures, through a new company, Rock-It Garbage. Send it in your nuclear bombs in orbit around the planet Uranus, (I knew the name had a reason) and get it far away from my children. Let it orbit harmlessly in orbit for the next thousands of years while it cools down and loses the radioactivity. You probably could sell some payloads to Switzerland, (the most nuclear dependent nation, currently burying their waste in granite beds under the country, seems smart?), and take the lead in the fight to clean up the world. I do not know if it will be a profitable fight, but you will have tremendous moral achievement. JIM HAGEWOOD - MANAGER L.A. CHAPTER RED CROSS Dear Mr. Hagewood, I know the following fax is a bit deep for Saturday reading, but please think it through. I believe the Institute For Critical Thought can work hand in hand with the Cross at all emergencies. A simple booth handing out paper and pens, to write unbiased and unedited thoughts, to gather the thoughts of all in the "zone." From these may come the thoughts that offer the critical solutions necessary in a crisis. For a humorous example; input into the Institute For Critical Thought the problem of the decade, the ozone hole. A child writes in the answer, "why don't we spray paint the hole closed." The next thing, we are spraying the ozone with crazy glue? I would like to get a booth in the heart of the mess, an alternate form of pre-occupation for these folks. My company will donate all the necessary supplies and any profit to the Institute will go to help all those in need, all of us actually, via the Cross. Please call for any questions. Warm personal regards and world peace, Eliot I. Bernstein Person Date ? Thought #1 Subscriber #2
Thought #2 Subscriber #1 "THE SON" "Ah son, do you know, do you know Where you come from? From a lake with white And hungry gulls. Next to the water of winter She and I raised A red bonfire. Wearing out our lips From kissing each other's souls, Casting all into the fire, Burning our lives. That's how you came into the world. But she, to see me And to see you, one day Crossed the seas And I, to clasp Her tiny waist Walked all the earth, With wars and mountains, With sands and thorns. That's how you came into the world. You come from so many places, From the Water and the earth, From the fire and the snow, From so far away you journey Toward the two of us, From the terrible love That has enchained us, That we want to know What you're like, what you say to us, Because you know more About the world we gave you. Like a great storm We shook The tree of life Down to the hidden most Fibers of the roots And you appear now Singing in the foliage, In the highest branch That with you we reach." By Pablo Neruda end. Thought #1 Subscriber #1
Flashback September 19, 1990 Dear Mom, Another yad ball letter. Again to tell you how much I love and appreciate both you and dad. I have recently undergone major upheaval in my life, as you know; and I am thankful for your kindness, care, support and love. These have meant so much to my emotional condition in such trying times and circumstances. Mom, your heart attack did not even dent your heart. I guess physical damage cannot destroy the emotional beauty of the heart. I know the current conflicts in my life are a bit to strenuous on you now, they are hard on me and I haven't had my angioplasty or bypass yet. Knock on wood. I still feel all of your love and support, as strong as ever. I know you are concerned for my welfare and I love you for that, but do not worry I am very strong and will deal with it in my own time, my own way. In the end, I will rise above all of this noise and gain tons of knowledge and experience, I will take my lumps and learn. I will not fall down and become an invalid forever, I will again walk proud. No matter the attacks on me, no one can ever take from me my pride in my abilities or achievements. I am so glad I am at a point in my life, thanks a lot to you and dad, that I can still maintain confidence in myself. I am sure you know it is something that lacked and that I had to work very hard to obtain, I will never let it go. Recently my confidence has been tested by so many different events, it will only grow stronger. So relax, your job is done. You have given me all the right tools to be able to stand on my own and build back up. I am so thankful. You have not doubted me and treated me as anything other than a great mother. You have in fact supported me. I am just a unique person and especially in regards to my interactions with others and the universe. It must be in the name. Mom, I want you to recover without the worry that all of this nonsense will shatter my life and I will fall apart and become a junkie or anything so easy. I have not completely lost it, I have just been temporarily been knocked off course due to the sensitivity I have inherited. I wonder from where. The sensitivity you have passed to me is a blessing, even if it does cause me to feel the pain of others it enables me to be compassionate in the end. I know I act out when people hit my sensitivity buttons, I hurt. I am working out how to handle this better and how not to let others make me react in hurt. I am close. It will make me a better person in the long run, I will not let anyone interfere again, or make me feel bad about myself. I thank you for the tools which will allow me to work this out, and paying the enormous therapy bill. But I am young and would rather overcome this now, and move on. There is not to much more for you to fret over once I conquer this. My life has been constantly improving as I age, until recently things were going toooo good. Now I will really kick some ass, if you know what I mean. With these kinds of situations out of my life forever, I will be able to reach my goals. I know they are within my grasp and I have not lost sight of them in any of these mess's. My will is still there and I know the way, I will get back on the road. Minor setback. Very heavy, very hard, very emotional, very Eliot. And I often look at the whole picture of my life and I see these four, very gentle, very loving, very caring hands behind me. I thank the stars. The angry moments of the past covered in love and appreciation, specks of dust on the picture. I have always had a problem with respect, I think it must be earned. You and dad have earned mine forever. That still does not entitle you to always be right. I am not ashamed at anything I have done recently. I have acted only in love, care and compassion with people. My reactions to others not so nice actions has been poor, but will forever change. What they do about their not so nice actions is their business, their consciences must cope. I, must just continue on. I do have enough headaches of my own. For what ever it is worth, I am proud to be Eliot. I am also proud of all that has been passed down to me. I am exhausted as you can read, and I am about to sleep for the first time in over 48 hours, if the damn voices would stop possessing me to go forward. We have already laid the groundwork for the Institute. I have an experienced staff available, and I seem to be assessable 24 hours a day via all kinds of techno-communication devices. I am to tired to go on anymore for this burst of energy, so, shut-up voices or you will have no one to talk to when I evaporate. This project is hampering my ability to input my old journal entries. I have so many projects and concerns to attend to. When I die I wonder how many things will have been left incomplete. I can rest assured that The Thought Institute will not, I will give this project my life. When I am dead, feel free to continue using this journal to express thoughts. Imagine a collection of the thoughts of the day, packaged in a few CD's. If the world blew up and we all died, the thoughts of our kind would carry on, in a small package. Me and Jim were contemplating how to preserve these records forever, but with the realization that we are and expanding and contracting universe, it seems impossible. If all the matter in the universe will contract and be smaller than this . how do you escape? Well this will be something for future generations to contemplate. The Thought Institute will revolutionize the way in which the world communicates. Since the Institute will be non-profit, their will be no gain in entering your thoughts, you will pay to enter them and it will be your selfless contribution to society. I have been asked again and again what the purpose is, and why Peoplekind needs this type of outlet, when everyone can just write a book, if they want to express themselves. Only writers can publish today, and the works published have often been modified and edited by others to conform to grammatical rules and regulations, political rules and regulations, religious rules and regulations, economic rules and regulations, and finally the publishers will. Because we are all not writers, yet we all have thoughts, we are missing the thoughts of the whole, and only being exposed to the thoughts of writers. Throughout history their has been no place for people to record their thoughts, without having to undergo the long tedious process of getting it to print. This obstacle thus has caused Peoplekind to miss these unrecorded thoughts, trillions of which were probably quite brilliant. For example, we all have thoughts regarding our current plight, the state of affairs, and yet we only hear mainly writers thoughts and the thoughts of those in "power." Thoughts have long been controlled by the ruling powers. In Russia, for the last 50 years, it certainly was difficult for the people to express their thoughts. Often it is difficult to express thoughts when you may be killed for their content, which has a very stifling effect on free thought. Mankind, throughout history, has constantly tried to repress the thoughts of controversial or rebellious individuals, often the very thoughts which later end up revolutionizing the world. Yet, how many of us are willing to risk our lives for our thoughts? History is plagued with killings over a simple difference of opinion. How many thoughts run through your mind that you are afraid to speak out, because of repercussions or the feeling that your thoughts are strange and perverse and would not be understood by others. We are taught from birth how and what to think, and often our inner most thoughts are forced into the unconscious. Parents, teachers and preachers, all working on your thoughts, shaping and manipulating them to conform to the thought of the day, not your own thoughts. If you think for yourself, you encounter tremendous pressure and opposition from others, even death, as if your unique thoughts are a threat to the established system. Thus you are punished for thinking contrary to establishment, as if new thoughts or ideas are wrong. Everyone in your surroundings constantly telling you what is right and wrong, what you must and must not think, in order to gain acceptance within the society that controls you. How can an individual think for ones self, very privately. This is part of why the Thought Institute is open to all thoughts, of all people, with no particular definition of right and wrong, good or bad, up or down, significance, or any other label. You will not be called crazy, and ignored. You will not be persecuted, for you will only be a number, within our journal. All subjects are open, any form of expression is allowed, their will be no judge, jury, executor or editor. I am the sacrificial lamb of this journal, the only person that can be called crazy, perverse, sick and wrong. I am not afraid of you mankind, you can laugh and ridicule me all day long for my thoughts. I am just a person trying my best to enjoy the grandeur of creation, within your plastic world. I am not afraid of you killing me, I will walk into the valley of death selfless, I am happy that I will continue in the food chain, and bring forth new life and new thoughts. I do not forget where I come from, I am thankful to all the creatures that I feed on, I never neglect them for I can not live without them. I do all I can to protect them. Not many species in the chain, kill without the desire for food, man is one. No other species in the chain, kill within the species over beliefs! Those species that do kill without purpose, just to kill, are considered primitive. Those species that kill over beliefs, are called sick and wrong. Mankind is currently acting very sick and self destructive, the evidence is piling up at astonishing rates. Peoplekind will solve most of our problems in this disease. Once people begin to treat all the creatures of nature with love and respect, not classifying them in hierarchy, the earth and it's creatures may again live harmoniously. We are all afraid to speak our minds for fear of being classified as something else. Man does not want to be unique, so he forces all to comply with his thoughts, and his ego then rests assured that he has created order. If you do not comply you are classified and often subject to all kinds of sick and wrong treatments and tortures. I am not afraid, I will speak my mind here without concern for your judgments of me. When you hit a car carrier head on and have every bone in your face shattered, your body and mind subjected to death for days on end, very little can frighten you. The worst you can do is kill me for my thoughts and actions. I hope you eat me and enjoy me if you kill me, or else it will be just another wasted life attributable to mankind. Try this for example. I dated HP for almost ten years, from 10 to 20, pretty exclusively. When I was about fifteen I was reading a "dirty" book when I read this article that forever changed my sex life. The article said that woman do not come as often as men, that they rarely, if ever came. I was shocked. Up to that point I was a stud, I thought myself a great lover, little did I know that I was just a fucker. The article, written by a woman, stated that after a man and woman made love for the first time, the amount of foreplay drastically decreased, and that after marriage their often was another reduction in sex between lovers, after the honeymoon resides. She had a point. Prior to intercourse with HP, we had spent many hours in intimate and passionate foreplay, driving me into a crazy frenzy. After intercourse we primarily made love for 10-20 minutes. I mean if I just relax, 70 strokes, in any form do me fine. We would then kiss, cuddle and I would pass out, the job in my mind complete. We never stopped short of me having orgasm, I did not even consider her feelings, she always said I was a great lover, and she was satisfied. Well my ego was shattered, my heart was hurt, this was the girl I loved and cared about. I did not want to believe that she was lying to me to comfort me, and not insult my maleness. So I experimented. The next time we made love, I followed the article to a tee, there was no foreplay, and I achieved orgasm at 35 strokes. I then asked her if she had orgasmic and she said "yes, it was wonderful" and I went nuts. I called her a liar, my trust was shattered with the girl I trusted everything with, and I broke up and went home, like a wounded and dying animal. The pain equal to my accident, to my ego. I went to Dr. A and told him I hated her and she was a liar. Dr. A laughed, and my ego sunk further to the floor. I asked what was funny, and he said I was uneducated in lovemaking and thus how could have I known. He said that HP to was uneducated and thus neither was really in the wrong. Well when someone tells you that you are uneducated in sex, and you are entering your manhood, you are angry. I wanted to kill him, there and then, and I began a rapid justification as to why I was right and it was HP's fault. I denied my inadequacies left and right. He then asked me if I were so smart, why was I reading "dirty" books. I think I replied at the time, that it was "cool." He then asked me the ideas and fantasies it aroused. I denied that I really was masturbating to the wild and perverse things I had read and seen. He asked my if I had ever read the Kamasutra or any pillow books. I had never even heard of them. He told me if I wanted to learn sex, to try these books as well. I left feeling totally damaged, I never wanted to see him again, and went to the library were he told me I could find these books. They sounded like real porno books being in the library, and I could not imagine making love to a manual. I was shocked when I began opening the pages. Most were water paintings with all sorts of different people engaged in all sorts of acts, I had never dreamed of. The cartoon images had the bizarrest physiques, but the actions were intense. This was not like any porno I had ever seen or read. The paintings were filled with beautiful flowers, and were set in beautiful settings, some outdoors, some indoors. Everybody seemed serene and content, nothing seemed dirty or perverse to them. There were orgies, and some of the orgies, had people assembled together, in animal shapes. Nobody seemed ashamed or concerned that they were perverts or sick, it must have been the beliefs of the time. I mean if you were to tell anybody that you had sex in these ways, you would be considered bizarre today. But I was amazed and excited, it filled my head with fantasies beyond anything I ever dreamed, I masturbated more. My mind was still bruised but I had to tell HP. I went to see her, and brought the books. She was just as intrigued and excited as myself, we began to read the books, and our hormones surged. Before we began intercourse though, we spent hours in new and exciting ways of foreplay. We began to try all the new an exotic methods outlined. You would have a great laugh, as we did, trying to get into some of these positions. I still believe that it is impossible to do some of them. Imagine trying to get into positions like "jumping monkey facing a tree." Yet, our laughter and efforts were stirring tremendous love. We were beginning to establish a trust that allowed us to do anything together. The more we laughed and played, the more passionate she became. I never, other than prior to first intercourse, remember the passion that one can feel if the highest honor in life is delayed and teased. At the same time, HP was beginning to just get aroused, normally I had already come long before, but know I was driven to fulfill her passions. Our fantasies and games exploded in her first, major, body ripping orgasm, that she ever had. I knew why everyone looked so serene in the paintings. This was the greatest joy in life, to be able to be loved and love back sexually equal, with complete trust. Everything we did suddenly became better, because of love, sex included. Our stagnate and old theories of sex, coming from this frugal and perfect society, disappeared. We no longer had sex without ultimate communication, no thought was to perverse. I told her the things I had been fantasizing for years, and she told me hers. We never criticized or condemned each other for our thoughts, in fact, we did every single one of them. We were children, I have never grown up, nor do I want to. Since HP, I have had this type of relationship with every girl I have dated. I believe I have done every single thing a person can in the world of sex & love, I have lived every fantasy I have ever had, I have lived every fantasy my girlfriends have ever had. If I had homosexual thoughts when I was a child, my girlfriends satisfied my fantasy by acting male. I have acted female for all of them at times, many of them have lived that fantasy out with me. I have therefore never needed to actually be gay. I guess when I was a child, if I had been condemned for these fantasies by any of the girls, or had to repress these thoughts because of preachers and parents, I would have always lived in fear of them. I may have even acted them out in the closet or out. I do though, act them out with my girlfriends and build even greater levels of trust and love. I have never hurt these girls, they have never hurt me, for our sexual life. For the most part we separated because of change in geography. When I went to college, HP and I slowly separated and it was painful, part of the pain that led to my accident. Our parents were both pressuring us to separate, we were deeply in love, yet they thought it best that we try other people. We really had no need, we had each other and that provided enough variety. We tried to work it out in college, at different schools, but we were influenced away. Being separate almost killed me, so I went away, forever. I took from HP tons of love, I hope she took as much from me. Subscriber #3 Thought #1 People with great minds talk about ideas. People with average minds talk about events. People with small minds talk about other people. end. Subscriber #4, Thought #1
My school for delinquents being my end dream, occupying my future life. That is what the $2.62 for the writer will help build and fund. The business I have operated is rapidly being converted to the Institute. In a flash everything has transformed, I have mobilized my troops, and we are ready to meet the challenges. I am excited at the new challenges I will face, my mind has been so pre-occupied. I have slept 14 hours in the last 6 days, I feel charged at the moment. Having plunged to the lows you have seen, I have risen again, possessed by the voices in my head. I am finally feeling free, the cost of my freedom hidden in these very pages, yet I am not through. I am driven to expose my most painful form of hurt, that impassioned me to my own inner prison, the fear of rejection. Unafraid now of your rejection, I will reveal here the conquering of my fear, you will witness the metamorphosis from an angry young man to a compassionate person. 5/13/92 Subscriber #5 Thought #1
5/13/92 Subscriber #6 Thought #1
March 9, 1992 Subscriber #7 Thought #1
Back from Saint Barthelme, wish I could be there until death. So peaceful and slow, technology at the minimum. My body, mind and soul, where in constant harmony with environment. The cemetery was the most beautiful and had a lasting image, filled with exquisite flowers daily, like someone remembered. In my solitude I had so much time to think, so many thoughts I have again confused myself. Persistent in the back of mind were the realities of civilization, although out of sight, they weighed heavier on my conscience. The Institute for Critical Thought over shadowed all thoughts and dominated my dreams. I find that I have again submersed myself into the unknown. Where shall I revive the senses necessary to fulfill this task which seems beyond my power scope. I have absolutely no concept of the skills necessary to be a writer, publisher, founder of an Institute, and again I find myself purging forward. Direction seems external, as if I am only following the beat of a drummer. I am not afraid of the forces that possess me to undertake this task. Fears of failure do not blind me, I would never be here in this position if I feared your criticism. How do I get the world involved in something as trivial as a Journal of our thoughts. How do I explain that the trivial thoughts of our past, present and future members of society, are what drive the changes which shape our outcomes. We are born into an environment, pre-shaped by factors completely out of control, other than the ones created for us, by ourselves. I have mentioned too many times, that these controlling forces that shape our minds, are indeed the results of male domination over every single weaker kind. The desires to control and own everything, have led these institutions, blinded in ego, to jeopardize their own existence, at the hands of the most powerful factor, a woman, Mother Nature. From the Los Angeles Times, May 26, 1992, from the section entitled, A Day in the Life of Mother Earth, A SPECIAL EARTH SUMMIT ISSUE OF WORLD REPORT. "World leaders will gather for a global environmental summit in Rio de Janeiro on June 3. If it's a typical day... 250,000 people will be added to the world's population Up to 140 species of living creatures will be doomed to extinction Nearly 140,000 new cars, trucks and buses will join 500 million already on the road Forest covering an area more than one-third the size of Los Angeles will be destroyed More than 12,000 barrels of crude oil will be spilled into the world's oceans. Mother Earth has amazing recuperative powers. But scientists fear the load may now be too much..." A story comes back to mind, although not complete, it certainly emphasizes the beginning. Flashback 1985 THE REINCARNATION OF PEOPLEKIND - THE END OF MANKIND "The earth seems such a distant thought, I can remember fragments of it's past. Traversing space there seems so much, to think we were once confined to a single planet, no wonder it became so congested. It is no wonder earth had become so polluted, to think mankind had almost killed the only life source, it could have become a very lonely universe. My mother warned us of the doom the earth was facing, she protected us in the most elaborate ways. Head covers were a must. She would say, 'the sun will rot your brain.' Each morning she would make us sit in the clean air room for an hour and take our oxygen pills, it was such a high. She claimed that the masks were some kind of government joke, they did nothing. She blamed it all on the government exclaiming, 'they knew all along, they inundated with us television, so much fucking propaganda. We never knew that a hole in the ozone could spread so fast, even as we went to hell they told us it was getting better.' She heeded us to leave the planet, to forge new frontiers. She had become almost insane before her death, she would scream to us 'leave before the cancer consumes you, space is the only place for the human race.' My mothers death left only us children, we were so young, but nobody seemed to live past the 30's much anymore, even if you stayed indoors the radiation seemed to get you. My brother and I were sent to work at a waste management plant. Waste management had become the worlds only chance at salvation. We rocketed about 10,000 tons a day into orbit around the planet Uranus, it now had ten rings. Waste management had become one of the biggest industries worldwide. It was a life threatening race to save the earth, and I would have to say the single greatest motivating factor in the reincarnation of man. We had become a civilization gone mad, like our brain's had suffocated us. Violence and greed had blurred our sight, and the by-products were the smoke and grime that now engulfed us, the race to restore nature was against centuries of abuse, and it seemed there was no time. How could it go un-noticed for so long, had mankind not seen how close to the edge they were getting to becoming the first species to extinct all species. It was at the plant I first became familiar with rockets, my first job was stuffing them with waste. The most primitive rockets were actually old bombs. Nuclear bombs, what a concept. It seems that as the hole increased in size, the radiation began to fry the brain, countries went insane, the violence an extension of our helplessness. Rations of food and water became smaller and smaller. Nothing seemed to grow, so many animals and plants became extinct. In the beginning of the end, the dead piled up fast, cancer was epidemic, only the young survived. Bombs fell next in our frustration and only compounded the problem, nobody won. How satirical, salvation through destruction, how the entire race claimed to be civilized. Civilized in mass destruction and waste we were. Where had the mind closed to the realities of reason, why had the mind gone mad? Possibly the inception of logical thoughts on limited brain capacity overloaded reason and caused this anger and hatred towards one another to breed. Who knew what or who was right or wrong. Politics were dictated more often through power and control than equality, unification, and logic. The latter would come from fear of the present condition, no future. No g-ds that were summoned appeared and not for lack of calling, it seemed as if mankind were challenged by the devil himself. Either mankind came together as one to salvage the earth or their prejudices against one another would destroy them all. I assume to avoid the overwhelming guilt associated with voiding the universe of life, explains what had driven mankind to suicide. So the bombs showered the earth with evil. How could they have split life's most basic and universal element and not anticipated hell? Each single split causing billions of equally evil splits, every division moving the race further from survival. Fission had no good by-products, it was the culmination of historical energy through destruction, did they not see that the energy needed for life came through fusing. So obvious when the energy for their own lives started with fusion and ended without it. Adolph Hitler was the protagonist of these nuclear bombs, and for decades after, man cultivated and placed them as their highest priority. In the early 2000's the world had attempted world unification due to the realization that the environment had almost crumbled, that life was supported by limited resources which were being destroyed faster than they could rebuild. The separate nations came together in fear and desperation to assess the whole damage created by each. When the totals came back the mess was overwhelming. The ozone layer was pocketed with holes, the sun was slowly radiating life to death. The separate parts working against one another culminated in this most desperate tragedy worldwide. Mankind had nowhere else to turn, no one else to blame, and for an instant they came together to try and stem the destruction that prevailed. The co-operation ended quickly, stone throwing began, as politicians worldwide blamed each other. A struggle to horde the earth's limited resources began and the race progressed backwards. Mankind became the most primitive and destructive force ever on the planet. Monetary systems collapsed back to trade through intimidation and strength. The more violent energy that was expended, the further mankind moved from salvation. You can see the predicament? Desperation consumed rational thinking, panic overtook logic; in a blind struggle with an unseen enemy, everything is an enemy, even one's own kind. The propaganda of the time was centered on maintaining control, no truth, a bombardment of statistics favoring life versus the reality of death. The masses accepted the propaganda, the blind leading the blind, helter skelter the end result. Concerned, yet without change, nobody could part with their 'own,' like stubborn children, selfish and violent, material possessions leading their funeral procession. The earth began to buckle from heat, surface temperatures averaging 130 degrees. The increases in temperature had a ravenous effect, devouring the ingredients for life. All vegetation had to be protected from the deadly rays which once fostered life. The clouds remained constant, thick and black, radiating back the heat from the earth. The more the ice melted in the early years from polar caps, the thicker the skies became, the dustier the earth became. The heat set all molecules in a frenzied dance, as the molecules of the brain heated mankind was truly losing it's mind. Life needed a miracle to survive, as it did to begin. I would have to say that the first miracle, other than fusion, was the demise of archaic political motive. Mankind had relied first on a religious savior, then on a political savior, in an attempt to put order to existence. Once the religious savior failed to appear, the politicians appeared. Religion divided the most primitive groups and divided them by hierarchy, normally the group with the most primitive strength ruled. A separation of the whole, a severe division in the power of the people. The questions most fought over having no answers, and yet the masses demanded to know of their existence. So desperately did they yearn for the answer that they seemed to believe anything. I have heard that statues of stone were the first answers, and the people prayed to them. Mankind quickly moved away from visual aids, as the stones did not provide adequate answers, and the civilization collapsed. The division of man is what caused this blind race to destruction. Selfishness and greed flourished, the byproduct was a race without purpose, one in which the individual forgot about the whole. No other species had ever forgotten that continuation of the whole was the key to survival. Mankind came close to outgrowing life's resources. Poison of mother earth's nurturing milk, in her veins pouring toxic wastes, her breathe congested with soot, skinned alive to be marred with the roads of industrialization, had they not correlated their existence's with her very own. Visual aids faded and imagination became the key to salvation. Unseen g-ds replaced the stones and seemed to be of much harder substance to break. The mind as protector of the g-d saviors offered unlimited hope, yet imagination with no action is fantasy. Fantasies about the salvation of the earth and life are wonderful, but with no action or logic, the fantasies become nightmares. The energy wasted on fantasies cost the planet and people dearly, since a nightmare was really the reality. The religious leaders and politicians who had propelled these greed filled fantasies were the first on the executioners block when the masses awoke to their nightmare. The blind, the selfish, the abusive, they were next. Had the leaders of the people been motivated with good intent their end would not have been secured. Yet the intent was malicious and selfish, therefore their fates were sealed. How had evil come to rule the kind, how did evil prevail over good? Those who saw the fate were powerless to fight, they were the passive, the kind and the caring. Evil fights with destructive powers whereas good seeks to avoid the fight with logic and intelligence. Good would rather succumb to evil than to fight and therefore become evil. It is the wise and good man that sees that two wrongs can not make right. Most evil in our past seemed to stem from uncertainty and the ignorant notion that security from uncertainty comes from the number of believers, the power one can secure. It seems that the ignorant and meek find comfort in crowd appeal and are willing to do anything, including but not limited to murder to have their way. In an attempt to prove ones beliefs, crowd appeal has a most devastating and trampling effect, it dampens the human spirit and then allows comfort only in acceptance of the belief. The harder the spirit resists the more force that is eventually applied. Free spirit became a rare species, as fear grew, ignorance and evil reined. The future of the earth and all life rested on free spirit, the ability to analyze everything for ones self and make decisions based on logic instead of succumbing to the ignorant crowds appeal. Faith is the devils friend, logic is g-d. Blindly accepting another's beliefs in an attempt to relieve the pain and suffering of uncertainty, only causes uncertainty and fear to prevail. When one is uncertain why he acts, his actions have a destructive force, he allows ignorance to guide him. Depending on the beliefs of the crowd he accepts to comfort him, a man will act as told not as he feels. When true feelings are suppressed, a man will do anything to hide from the true feelings which rein within his mind. In the early years of the re-incarnation of mankind, a great struggle began to revive the mind from all that had attempted to rule free spirit. A rebirth of free spirit. As the ignorant mass began to realize their destiny, death from inaction, action became a must. The sun's rays had a devastating effect, they shed light like never before on mankind. A light both deadly and beautiful. Those whose spirits had been sold for too long, died most rapidly. They seemed to gain comfort in their death for they seemed to know that they would no longer be responsible for their inaction's. This reminds me of a painting in which the ignorant masses gather under the devastating ray's, in an effort to prove their faith, millions already dead beside them. Generation after generation of ignorance dying from ignorance, their eyes blinded. It had taken them so long to accept the roundness of their planet, and it was too long to accept the damage of their inaction. The child who conforms in infancy, ready to accept anything without question or resistance. How easily religion and politics gained control over so many. Religion and politics using the same fundamentals of control; crowd acceptance, and submission to create a most blinding faith. Both preying on the young and innocent free spirit. Accept our ways or you will not be accepted by our g-ds, our societies. You will be blasphemed for independence and rejection of our beliefs. Fight us not because we are older and wiser, accept our ways or we trample upon you in great numbers. If you resist you are questioning our ways, if you accept you will help prove our faith. How did such ignorance pass for so long unquestioned, had mankind truly lost it's own mind. As adults never seemed to survive the cancer much past thirty, they had secured their own demise. The children were left with the lessons of the past to begin rebuilding and expanding. The sale of the free will, acceptance of ignorance is what allowed the brain to fry. The errors of mankind's ways is what began the destruction of the ozone layer, what began the end or the beginning. The ignorant masses unable to accept the errors of their ways were killing not only their children but the children of all kinds. The overwhelming guilt causing them to charge to their deaths as if in battle. To prove their ways they often sat beneath the rays in an attempt to accept their own beliefs that no harm would come, or g-d would save their poor soul, the price for their ignorance their death. Those most ingrained in ignorance dying first. Better to die than to accept the errors of the past and present. Can one be expected to survive the guilt of generations and survive? The survivors were the rebels like my mother. She stood her ground and accepted the errors of her faith, she warned us continually to question authority and fight it with logic. To not blindly accept the bloodline, to make change where change was due. She often told us that only the children of the world could make the necessary change to save the planet if it were not already to late. That the death of all around us must force us to rethink our ways or all bloodlines would become extinct in ignorance. She told us to question all the ways of mankind for ourselves and take the good with the bad, not accept the bad as good or the good as bad. When we asked her opinion, she would not answer, she claimed her opinion was no longer really her own, that she had sacrificed it long ago. Repeatedly she would denounce the ways of the past, she would torment in grief and guilt at her own blind acceptance. She was so young and yet it appeared to already be to late. How? Does the initial sale of free will forever lose the ability to regain it? So many fell dead around us that it was plain to see that even the perfect children would run to the sun in an attempt to prove the faith of their parents, they fought hard not to be thrown into an imperfect world. Helpless in a world that has no order, no right or wrong, only ones self to rely on. Blind faith leads to a life of denial. Denial is the key to ignorance, deny that you have flaw and imperfection and point out the flaws of others. Constantly criticize and judge the actions of others in order to minimize your own. Create law and order out of chaos and confusion, the ultimate denial. A free thinking, free spirit could make no friends in such an environment. I believe it was Einstein who said "'Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.'" Such opposition stemming from the energy wasted in denial. The free spirit wants only to be; a condemned spirit desires acceptance. Yet the two cannot exist in harmony for one wants to be accepted and one chooses not to accept. The free spirit emphasizing to all to be themselves and to do what is in their heart and soul. When the ignorant meets the free spirit, the ignorant chooses to act like the free spirit and not himself. The free spirit rejects acceptance and the ignorant becomes angry at one with no direction to follow, and begins trying to impose order on the spirit. The ignorance's anger stems from the denial built up to defend that which he knows is wrong. Does the abused child turn on the parents or defend the parents? Does the child choose to minimize the actions which cause so much pain and suffering in their souls? It may in fact be the path of least resistance and yet it is then certain that the free will has been sacrificed. The free spirit hides no pain or suffering and attempts to change that which he feels is wrong. When a free spirit encounters another selling their soul, he may reach out in compassion, knowing how hard it is to break free of the chains. Often for a time the suffering soul may make a stand, as he attempts to free himself of the wrongs committed in the name of this or that. At this point, those who desire to dampen the spirit, rise up their dragon like heads from the past and try at all costs to kill the free spirit. They strongly attack the free spirit that has begun to influence and stop the sale. The attackers of the free spirit use their love and care to again trample the spirit. The struggling child may often turn against the free spirit in an attempt to regain parental love. The battle against the free spirit cannot win if the spirit is truly free. The attacks on the free spirit are an attempt to prove the ways of the free spirit wrong, and therefore prove those attacking right. The struggling spirit then turns to crowd appeal, if more people agree that it is the free spirit that is wrong, than I must be right. The free spirit knows that there is no logic in this assumption, for even if being a free spirit is wrong, it does not make sacrificing ones heart and soul right. The battle must be determined by the self. The free spirit will not allow ignorance to prevail, as the battle turns all against him. The free spirit says you cannot deny the errors of your ways, you cannot deny that you are being manipulated and threatened with love and care. Often the struggler will abandon the search for his innate spirit, turn on the free spirit, and run blindly for the love and care being offered by those attempting to dampen the spirit. Forever on they must then live with no free spirit, they must accept or be abandoned. The horror, the horror. The free spirit accepts the attacks on his spirit, he will not be forced to sell his soul no matter how many attack, no matter the methods or force. His spirit can only be dampened by self created error, not provoked attacks. The free spirit is ready to admit the errors of his ways, although not willing to change them if they logically have validity. For example, it was accepted at the time, so different than today, that one must obey and respect authority and make no waves. In an environment that existed on conformity, it is a miracle that the free spirit of mankind once again ruled. It is however no surprise considering the circumstances facing the race. Death from ignorance could not completely prevail, as ignorance died, the ignorant became dependent on the free spirited children for salvation. The children denied acceptance and forced those who wished to survive to accept their own spirits as their savior. Those who had sold their souls died out, having extincted themselves. The children buried them with compassion and love. Darkness began to lift, the children of the world forced to look at themselves for their own salvation. With this came many rapid changes. The elder free spirits that had survived, compelling the children to re-think the ways of mankind and analyze where the problems had come from. Once the problems where identified, the solutions could follow, the end could make way for the beginning. The lessons of the past making way for a future without these same problems. New problems certain, yet attacked with free spirit and not a spirit in denial and controlled. The path for a re-birth being cleared, no g-ds or politicians, free spirit would forever rule." II PROBLEMS AND MORE PROBLEMS My great grandfather's writing left me with a chilled feeling culminating in my mind. A hundred and fifty years later I could still feel the innate desire to have a conception of existence, would I sacrifice my own spirit to be accepted? I do not know what that would feel like, no one has ever tried to convince me of anything other than the logic of their belief. Faith in fables never being taught. Would I want a specified g-d in my life? How does one believe in what one does not know himself? I guess if you start the child young enough in any belief but his own you can force the thought process to accept even stones. My father is calling on me now I must go. The problem of the day centered on the fact that as all stars eventually die their planets spiral off into space. Could we the human race allow this to happen? Could the planet Earth our true homeland be allowed to disappear? Some felt that it was natural and should not be interfered with, others felt that it must be saved in order to define our existence. Throughout the galaxies, all peoples thoughts were transmitted to the central computer, to analyze and compile a solution. If a solution could be procured by mankind, it was recognized that all thought needed to be considered. My father and I worked all day composing our thoughts, together working out what we each thought to be the proper course and our solutions. How could we allow Earth to spiral off as another piece of space dust? and what about all the valuable knowledge to be gained by further analyzing the beginnings of our kind. My fathers opinions always seem to act as a catalyst to my own, he purports arguments of the old and provokes me to counter with arguments of the new. I had never been to earth and I knew the solution to the problem could be reached in time. The idea being studied was the replacement of the sun with a new star of similar physical characteristics and dimensions. The problem would be transporting through the space time continuum. Could the stars be mapped and simultaneously replaced? What would be the effect on both systems, on the whole? And if the transfer could save the earth indeed. We had saved the planet from so may near disasters I had faith in mankind. My problems seem much greater though. I can not seem to figure out who I am and what my purpose in the grander scheme of things is. How much of what I think is right or wrong? Am I not also guessing at the mechanics? How much is genetics effecting me, has history influenced my ideas? Has my mind been truly independent and can it ever be? Do I only believe my own thoughts? Of course not, I analyze all history and events and yet make my own opinions of the events. But am I right? I am only right for myself, I will never have acceptance and approval of others, they seem to only approve of myself. Today I went to Shell 4 on the outer ring of Utinus, such wonders come from it's radiation. The gases when broken down for oxygen produce a wonderful reaction on the chemicals of the mind. Brain functioning almost completely ceases and a most wonderful state of existence follows. A feeling of complete acceptance in the universe, an acceptance of being part of the whole forever. Understanding the changes one has taken in form since the beginning and the changes in form one will most definitely undertake in the future. Yet helpless to really know the past or future, only in this short span of being able to guess and ponder. How wonderful the human condition seems when seen in this state, an understanding of the relationship between yourself and the whole. In the magnitude of the whole you are a necessary part and have been playing a role since the beginning and will play one at the end. Billions of changes your atomic structure will undergo as you transform to and fro. Always remaining a part of organic matter, and thus carrying on the living condition. Understanding the whole leads to a greater understanding of the component parts, even ones self. This bonding and building of the atomic particles became the key for survival. I know not of the "archaic political" systems my great grandfather spoke of. What I do know is that fusion was and still remains the only way we have survived in the human condition. Of course space-time travel would not have been possible this far from Earth without learning to fuse, how could have we survived not being able to build the essentials for life. How could water have been replaced lacking the ability to decompose matter with hydrogen and oxygen in it and then rebuild it. Fusion's beauty can be seen when any two atoms or molecules join together in a symbiotic manner. Man and woman are a wondrous example to cite the beauty of fusion. Two together making a bond, new energy is created. From single elements, they now undergo the transformations necessary to create a new element. Each individual sacrificing parts for the new whole. Organic reproduction the ultimate fusion, the only combination mankind still can not replicate, there must be something other than logic behind reproduction. Improbable that we ever will figure out the miracle. The time and energy once dedicated by mankind to this question, a complete waste of time, no concrete answer was ever proved, and so much blood was spilled in the theories. Mankind's desire to answer the impossible, led to the greatest hoaxes. end of story. That story was written four years ago, I now know where the idea for a Thought Journal really began. Funny how years later, the fiction is finally becoming reality. From thoughts, this has been inspired, "crazy" you may call them. Very little time to write today, and I've yet to input the handwritten Shellie letters. So many businesses to run, so much old stuff to deal with from the great depression of my life, and the new, beckoning me to my calling. My life is again going at the pace that suits me best, constant. Sleep seems trivial, the energy picking up steam instead of faltering in periods of dismal abyss. Met with the director of UCI's radio station on the Thought Journal and after they played a Grateful Dead tune to the Institute. The director mentioned calling on the creative writing heads at the University and making it part of courses. Idea's are beginning to flow. PB at GTE Spacenet is checking out getting a 1-900-THOUGHT line, a concept readied by my very own father. The Thought Institute charging service time for accessing the memory banks and down loading information, or inputting ideas via fax or modem. I was a bit hesitant about using the 900 concept, as I have viewed it's uses for gimmicky phone traps for children and adults. My father pointed out, that although the Institute is non-profit it must sustain the expenses necessary to operate. "The electricity bill has to be paid no matter the Island you settle on," he said. I've forgotten to take the necessary steps to secure gigabytes of memory on laser disks. Approaching the manufacturers on a charitable giving, to get the name of their corporation on the data bank of unedited human thoughts. Now I must approach the best in the business, at the top. Subscriber #8 Thought #1
I have slowly begun the process of regaining my intrinsic nature, I feel internal strength and happiness. I know my conscience and those voices within, are telling me that they could never have suffered the weight of the crimes currently being committed against mother nature, our children and all members of life. Slowly, I have begun to refute the very things everyone once thought I had sold out to. So much opposition has already begun, from all those who have sold out, who cling frailly to their sick psycho systems. I have so much more I want to say, my eyes are closing though. Hopefully I can pick up and write tomorrow. Subscriber #9 Thought #1
Subscriber #9 Thought #2
Free thought - From The Reggae Sunsplash Increase the Peace! end. Where did the revolution go in America? Where have the hippies retired? They have gone to sleep, seduced and drugged into submission and acceptance. Sold out to capitalism I guess. When Vietnam ended, did the cause for peace, love and world unity die with it? I smell hate in the air, not unity. I see the growing economic disaster, here in the United States, causing a separation of the melting pot. Bigotry and scapegoating are high. The Japanese being blamed for U.S. economic problems, so the Japanese American takes a beating within this country. Anger and hatred flare, am I supposed to jump on the band wagon and hate kids I grew up with? I wonder why with global communication, global friendship did not evolve. Global hate has only cost a waste of lives, time, and resources. A forward progression to finding solutions to the problems currently facing this planet and her children, having given thought to the course we shall follow. It begins the end of dwelling on the problems facing us, and a move to positive momentum to shape the future for continuing generations, having considered the feelings and thoughts of all that wish to express. I have oft been confused with a pessimist, by those whose ideologies I question. I have been called two faced, as I live in one world and dream about another. Asked how I could run a business, drive a Volvo, use an air conditioner, refrigeration, drive a car, type on a computer, etc. As if I should give it all up in a moment, and disappear back to nature if I do not like establishment, and survive. I am not afraid of packing it up and going on a venture, I have been on a long one thus far, but I am uneducated in being natural. My chances of survival are limited because I have become out of touch with nature, in learning to act civilized, the same reason mankind will end. Here you might understand why I have been labeled a pessimist, but you must look closer and remember that I advocate an optimistic change, Peoplekind. For example, I believe that toxic dumping and nuclear waste should not be dumped back into the earth's precious resources, even if those industries must cease to exist. Again remember, that I have an optimistic opinion to go along with the pessimistic, package these wastes and orbit them around Uranus. Another example, I believe that Capitalism has forgotten to take an accounting of mother earth's limited and precious resources, and thus will end all life when one runs dead. I am not saying this will not happen anyway at some point, with or without Capitalism, for one of a trillion or more reasons, if we do not plan well against it, even if we do. I am optimistic in that I believe that a new global economic system will be developed in which the true resources of earth will be valued first and foremost. In addition, it will account for all the inhabitants. I am not a pessimist, I am a realistic, optimistic, futurist. Subscriber 10 Thought 1
Flashback 8/2/91 12:20am So you think me an angry young man. Damn straight, I am angry at the current state of affairs, and the actions which have brought us to the brink of the destruction of all living things. Are you afraid to admit that the human race, in becoming civilized, has almost annihilated the glory of that which surrounds us? Are you afraid to admit that the children's children will hardly have a chance in this garbage dump we leave them? Do you expect them to survive with; barren land, no ozone, no water, no air, nuclear and hazardous waste, no rain forest, acid rain and the likes. Unless change is dramatic, radical, and now; all will die, choking on years of waste and environmental abuses. And in the end, as life's resources fade away, thus increasing in value, we will fight for them until our death's, maybe we will drop our bombs on the innocent like we have recently done in Iraq. The abuse must end, no matter the price, no matter what must be sacrificed. Change will not be easy in a world where; moral concerns are secondary to monetary concerns, political motif is for the privileged while the masses are ignored, mankind is divided, g-d's instead of brain's are called on for salvation, the means are justified in spite of the ends, violence is rampant and respect for all life is secondary to anything. Back to basics. Difficult to imagine life without the "necessities". More difficult to imagine no life. And in our haste to have "necessities" we have sacrificed the true necessities such as; air, water, earth, and ozone, without which it will be hard for our kind to reproduce. Possibly, like the dinosaurs, we have got to big and now must parish. Unlike the dinosaurs, I am afraid we may take all life into extinction. Our children will have the right to hate us, for we knew and yet did nothing to alter the course. To caught up in our ways, blinded by greed and hate. And so I speak to the children of the world when I call for change. I yearn to see the children revolt, a revolution in the name of life and love. To continue on in the same fashion as our forefathers, certain death. And how do the children proceed with this revolution, when controlled by adults, who are already set in their ways, believing now that what they do is right and good, in the midst of chaos. How do children ignore those they are supposed to believe in? 8/6 California 8/7 Chicago Who are these people children are supposed to faithfully rely on to interpret the world around them. Parents, teachers and preachers, all children once themselves. All conformed to the thought control of the mass. All who have sacrificed their innate beliefs to be accepted and loved. In desperation and confusion each of us enters the world, in search of answers to questions with no definite answers. Afraid of that which we do not know, we yearn to find comfort in the strength of mass belief, afraid to be alone in our thoughts and truly helpless. Sacrificing our innate thoughts to be accepted or labeled "normal", allowing destruction and death in order to benefit one group or another. In the strength of mass belief, we place ourselves upon a pedestal, above all others, and thereby begin to lack respect of the equality that naturally exists amongst the creatures of this earth, as well as, our own kind. Once this boundary is transcended, an individual can act, regardless of any higher social or moral concern. The mass is controlled by adult authority, the mass has drastically failed. In attempts at controlling and manipulating for selfish ends, the whole has been sacrificed, and may be sacrificed beyond repair. Societies problem; as a group grows in numbers the members (typically male) ego's are inflated and their sense of power grows proportionally. Yet to maintain the ego's growing need for power, the group must seek new members to convert. The simplest way to convert new members is to breed them. Take innocent and helpless minds and subject them to mentally perverse idealism and the end result is a mentally perverse child, and thus a mentally perverse adult, and thus a mentally perverse society.. Subject them to what you would like them to believe through schools, churches and the likes, and you have a new convert to the "system". What are these "systems" and how do systems of thought, end up affecting not only our minds, but, our environment and the fragility of the entire ecological balance. Blinded in proving our faith to these systems, mankind has lost it's nurturing instinct. Not the nurturing of the young, the nurturing of the whole. Forgetting that man is not the only creature and that we depend on plants and animals as much as they depend on us. In fact, we feed on only organic materials and there seems to be currently only a limited amount, and therefore we are a much closer family than you have separated us to be. Every day you consume living organisms to sustain yourself, and one day you will act as fuel for these very same plants and animals, as you have in the past, and will do in the future. But there is a terrible force jeopardizing the entire chain, and at every link, man. Adult authority must be overthrown! The children must depart from the ways of the past, and in a desperate struggle with time, attempt to correct the errors of countless generations of self interest. Soon there may be no tomorrow for change, the end will have slowly crept up, no chance for a radical change. I beg you children, to stop listening to the "systems" currently employed; school, religion, parents, law, and politics, they are doomed. Ignore the problems of the day, absolved in your inner struggle for reality, and you will find you've accomplished nothing. Face the problems today in a realistic way and soon you will find solutions. Applying the solutions will be difficult, as the changes will certainly have to shift the power structures currently in operation. 11/4/91 1:43 am Currently so many problems plaque the human condition, we have detached so far from our instincts. Embedded in the mind from birth are beliefs and ideals which are not our own and were founded in fear. Our ancestors, the earliest of "civilized man" must have been completely baffled by their existence and the ability to contemplate existence. Yet there were no concrete answers, as there still are not, but many attempted to venture a guess on existence. Each of the various tribes around the world must have gathered and in group meetings decided the gospel of the day. The majority ruled, and strength in numbers began. Opposition to the rule was punished and as this is primitive man, you can guess it was most violent punishment. Each group separate and unique, united in beliefs. As children were berthed into cults and imprinted with the belief of the day, there was no conflict as it was the only belief in the cult. As the child grew it became a part of the norm by adapting to it's parents beliefs, to the cult's rules and regulations. If it were believed that lighting was thrown by Zeus and sacrificing children for g-d's was in order with the group belief, all believed faithfully. In numbers, a sense of comfort is achieved, a false comfort that distorts the mind from contemplating the wonders in an independent fashion, with innate thoughts and feelings lost. If all the primitive and isolated cults had been correct and achieved the same answers, all would have probably proceeded in a more civilized fashion. Problems began as the groups began to migrate and come in contact with one another, the main problem was in the ego. Whose cult was right and who's was wrong, usually became a conflict resolved in strength and intimidation, instead of logic and rationale. The history of mankind is covered in pages of blood, not ink, and all over questions with no real answers. Whole cults entire values and beliefs were jeopardized with the introduction of foreign and outside thoughts. Instead of appreciating the beauty of the various philosophies and enjoying the ignorance of all, we cling desperately to our g-d's and systems, arguments between various factions over the creation and existence of man soon turn to anger and hate, which has led to billions of deaths amongst our own kind, and the toll mounts daily. There is no time period ascertainable in mankind that indicates peace among the various cults simultaneously. Still there is no concurrence and so many more groups exist, always trying to convert new members, always claiming the answer to this or that. Thousands of various accounts of the beginning, the end, and all you can do in the interim, are now archived. All are conjecture and fables, products of the human mind, and as such would be harmless thoughts. Yet mankind is afraid to admit it's ignorance, as the ego would be destroyed. With superior intellect we are afraid of ignorance, alone here with our thoughts and utterly clue-less, we continually ponder our beginning, our existence and our end. Maddening, the constant ignorance must be, for that is exactly what has happened to mankind. Are your beliefs your own, or are they the products of others? From birth we are bombarded with thousands of groups trying to win influence over our thoughts, preying on the fears which lie within the subconscious mind. Fears of your fate or where you last or next will abate. Fears about what is right and wrong. In a desperate attempt to subside these fears, the human race has depended upon the imagination and has maintained that; that which offers comfort is truth. Generation after generation these beliefs are passed down blindly, to question them is to question the authority that rules. To question authority and what has been dictated to you, is to face punishment. Punishment designed to destroy your free will, your innate desire to think and feel freely. From our earliest moments of life we are bombarded with rules and regulations which if we do not obey like slaves, we are outcast and alienated from the cult. Parents, teachers, and preachers, all using guilt to instill the "system", if one does not heed the beliefs one shall feel a life of shame and aloneness. The power of guilt on the child's minds, can make one sacrifice any personal belief in order to be loved and accepted. This my friend, my fellow human being, is what has created societies diversity of cultures and almost all of societies current problems. The problems created in dividing mankind are at the roots of modern mans problems. For thousands of years our faith has caused us to defend our feeble attempts at justifying existence, and in defending these beliefs we often attack the beliefs of all others. We value these beliefs above the value of another life, sacrificing our respect for life. end. Flashback Hours after SY left POEM Dear LY, You've won! You've won! Now the setting sun. Days are dark, thanks to your part, And SY, my love, can have a brand new start. You've stood in the way from beginning to end, To plant the seeds of destruction. Yet victory can be sour when the intent is to devour; Especially with such a sweet and delicate flower. Tis' similar in nature to Romeo and Juliet, True love killed in the bud. Snip snip, cut cut, by a jealous unhappy lot; Until their love lied dead. The families they say got in the way, A sin from shore to shore, and like a sword in the heart Caused these lover's to part; to late for amends. And so I must say on this very day, You bludgeoned my loved one to death. Like a picador to a bull, You weakened her to her knees, For all the world to see and said: "You see! You see! My baby girl, All men are like I've told you. So leave! Go go! You know I told you so, Mummy will protect you forever." "'But mummy dear, he is not like you have said. He is kind and cares. He is gentle with all my fears. He loves me every day in every way! In all my life, through all your strife, I wanted the best for you. And now in my glory, you have stolen the story; And I have lost my best friend and lover forever." The morale of this tragic tale: Never hold to tight your child's tail, For LY could not stand to see her daughter out shine her, With a husband who loved, wined, and dined her. end. Flashback 92 I just awoke from the most traumatic dream, drowning in a pool of blood, with the true fear of g-d reigning over me, death. It all felt tooooo real again, I was crying not to let me die before talking to my parents to say good-bye. I felt the needles piercing so many points. The rage returned to live, the struggle against death began. The sirens piercing my darkness awoke me and I can't get over the terror, the fear, the pain of death. I have never written of the accident on this level, I am afraid of the terror it may provoke in your soul, my soul thoroughly realizes it. I can no longer keep it inside, it provides the answer to my behaviors since, I awake each morning knowing the fear, I can not even hide in my sleep. It dictates my every action. Blinded instantly, blood oozing from my eyes, warmth enveloped my essence, a warmth unknown to me since the womb. My body felt although it were cold as ice. My mind was protected by a drug unparalleled on earth and began a very organized hallucination. The trip began instantly by a most incredible journey through my pain. It is difficult to explain this journey because it sounds like utter Jabberwocky. It began inside my brain, somewhere I have never been, which began an analysis of the condition I lay paralyzed in. Nothing seemed to move, so I was uncertain as to whether I were dead or not. Yet I could hear noises, feel vibrations, and experience pain. I could then travel to the roots of the pain, and identify the source, and the effects it was having upon me. If I could explain it molecularly I would attempt by stating that every atom of myself was analyzed by my mind. I could follow the flow of blood from my inside to my outside. Was I dead already, was I dying, or was I still dreaming? I am still unsure of the answer to those questions, part of my fears. I could count three front upper teeth missing, somewhere in my lower lip, and one hanging by what seemed threads, the pain emanating from this has no description. I could feel a large gap in my upper palate, that had a horrendous amount of inner stuff leaking out. My jaw felt shattered and it was, parts felt disconnected and they were. My nose was numb but the amount of blood and stuff coming out was more than anywhere else, it was a constant and steady flow, that I thought would drain my body in a very short time. My eyes pounded, I could not see, so I assumed I was definitely blind, the pressure was intense and I felt blood seeping out, this scarred the living shit out of me. My ears were ringing fiercely, I could feel something leaking in my left ear, I guessed it was part of my brain. The problem with my brain seemed to be that it was so busy analyzing every other problem, and could not evaluate itself. I figured I was still thinking so it must not have all leaked out. I went from my head to my neck, which felt broken, I could go no further, like from that point down I had short circuited. 92 What causes such dreams or realities? Love! Every instance of my acting out or self destructiveness has been a direct result of loves pains. Family, lovers and friends, it hurts the same. In the car accident I reeled over the physical pain in minutes and there was a far larger psychological pain starring in my darkness. The pain of breaking up with Heidi, the physical pain an extension of the emotional. What bothered my heart most was that we never really wanted to separate, it was kind of forced upon us by our parents, who did not approve of one another. Their war somehow became ours, the pressure mounted and we ended, my heart was broken, and at the very moment I felt so dead, and the reality was it was very close to broken forever. 92 From this point on the trip became mental. Lifeless, lying there in deaths arms, came a fabulous euphoria and I wondered if I deserved this or somehow had provoked it. Frame after frame, captured my actions along with the moral intensity that had inspired them. Many have claimed my actions and beliefs as "crazy," I was mighty proud to have been "crazy," in almost every instance of action since birth. Sure, there was a tremendous amount of passion and commotion around my actions, but they were all inspired with and for love's sake. My stands against authority were inspired by the belief that the system is wrong, and I cared to be heard, not stifled. I was proud of myself. At nineteen, my goal was to build a school for "delinquents" to learn and express there differences without being subject to constant criticism. I cared about every human right issue in the world, and constantly theorized ways to make changes. When I spoke these thoughts to you, you called me "crazy" and laughed, I died inside. I became crazy in pain, I was serious. I lashed out and cried, and got worked up, you got the last laugh. I went to therapy religiously and analyzed my actions, and yours, I always hated the fact at how easy it was to tip my rational balance, by arguing my sanity or attacking my morals. I always felt hurt that I lashed out, lying there I was still pissed at all the anger I let on you. I guess I had not comprehended compassion well enough, and internalized the attacks, I felt hurt. I am sorry. SUBSCRIBER #11 THOUGHT 1
SUBSCRIBER #11 THOUGHT 2
92 Here comes the change! 92 Changes must occur in revolutionary fashion. The previous rubbish of my life must be swept aside. This psychological game of breaking down my defenses to shake your senses must cease. Here you know lies a place in which you can express thought freely. The journal is a place for thoughts concerning issues which directly affect the survival of the species to be reflected and theorized upon by those wishing to express opinion. Radical and revolutionary thoughts, without prohibition or inhibition, no rules or regulations, should ever again come to hamper our expressions. Why does mankind need such a tool, because currently none exists. We are products of surreal environments, our every belief and action is dictated by the environment, no matter the content. Shaped and manipulated since childhood, adults no longer can think for themselves, clutching to the beliefs of their past, no change can occur. Children are faced with an extremely complex choice, either submit to the systems controlling their environment or be outcast, and if conformed for social acceptance can the conscience then tolerate the acceptance which may lead to the end of all life. In my own life I am faced with this agonizing conscience that allows no comfort in my mind. On one side sits my acceptance to my society, on the other side sits my damnation for my part, a million times worse for I had knowledge. My compliance makes me sick, every single breath I take of civilized man is polluted, for this I have no remorse. But for the children, I am choking on my own bile in a level not described by Dante, for the children of Chernobyl of all life forms, I burn layer by layer for all their generations to come. And to what do I owe this conscience of mine, to my environment, I did not invent most of this shit. My contribution to hell will be measured in my inaction. 92 The world changes like personal changes seem plagued with the same processes. Realizing problems is the first and most difficult stage, for inherently we are blinded in our righteousness. I am tired of trying to justify the mess created by "civilized" man, I have reached the level of frustration necessary to begin the process of exposing my defenses and the problems hiding within. Like the quest for inter-personal change, societal change must begin with an evaluation of all factors affecting current behavior. Each separate action that effects us as a whole must be analyzed void of rationalizations, and then questioned. Questioning is the beauty of the human mind. Take any process and apply the human mind, a kaleidoscopic effect of infinite thought emerges. For example take the process of questioning itself, and put it through analysis. You will find no answers, only more questions and thoughts. 92 I wake each morning and get ready to start my action packed "civilized" life, but a difference exists. I now am guilty and accountable for possibly one of the greatest crimes committed in civilizations name. I am now part of the Hitler youth that has promulgated the greatest of nuclear tragedies, Chernobyl. I am awake whereas I do not believe most of you maybe. Many of you readers may be dying already, yet radiation poisoning is unseen, and unlike cyanide can take awhile. As a matter of fact you may not be as highly affected as your offspring. Has the "China Syndrome" occurred? Start the questioning process with some questions. What is nuclear energy? Ask Webster's Dictionary and you find "the energy released from an atom in nuclear reactions or by radioactive decay: esp. the energy released in nuclear fission or nuclear fusion. The closest Webster's gets to a description of nuclear reactions is nuclear reactor, which I quote, "a device for initiating and maintaining a controlled nuclear chain reaction in a fissile fuel for the production of energy or additional fissile material." I underline the word controlled, for what happens if it is out of control. What is fissile material? Nuclear. What is nuclear? I quote Webster's; "adj. 1 of, like or forming a nucleus 2 of or relating to atomic nuclei {nuclear energy} 3 of, characterized by, or operated by the use of atomic energy {nuclear weapons} 4 of, having , or involving nuclear weapons {nuclear warfare}" I question what kind of nuclear reaction we are talking about and I arrive at nuclear fission, not fusion. What is nuclear fission, I ask. I quote Webster's; "the splitting of the nuclei of atoms into two fragments of approximately equal mass, accompanied by conversion of part of the mass into energy: the principle of the atomic bomb." What is fissile material, radioactive atomic materials and atomic wastes. What is atomic? I quote Webster's; " adj. 1 of an atom or atoms 2 of, using, or powered by nuclear energy {an atomic submarine} 'I interrupt this quote to ask you to substitute submarine with an atomic power plant such as Chernobyl' 3 involving the use of nuclear weapons {atomic warfare} 4 having its atoms in an uncombined form {atomic oxygen} 5 very small; minute." "Very small; minute" yet capable of mass destruction. Atomic energy has changed the course of history and led us to the Atomic Age. What is the Atomic Age? I quote Webster's; "{also a- a-} the period characterized by the use of atomic energy: regarded as beginning with the creation of the first self-sustaining nuclear chain reaction on December 2, 1942 --atomic-age adj." The first uncontrolled nuclear chain reaction was a bomb. What is a nuclear bomb. I quote none other than Webster's; "an extremely destructive type of bomb which results from the immense quantity of energy suddenly released when a very rapid chain reaction of nuclear fission is set off by neutron bombardment in the atoms of a charge of plutonium (primarily Pu-239) or uranium (U-235): first used in warfare (1945) by the United States against the Japanese cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki." What adjectives would Webster's define a Nuclear Core exposure as, when a little nuclear bomb is described with words like "extremely destructive," and, "immense quantity." Possibly we could suggest; horrifically destructive, horripalating, or, Hitler's dream carried to it's greatest nightmare. Yet no Aryan race would even survive a Nuclear Winter. What is a Nuclear Winter? I quote Webster's; "a hypothetical scenario following a major nuclear war in which the atmosphere will be clouded with smoke, dust, etc. for a long time causing loss of sunlight, frigid temperatures, etc.: this is thought to be a threat to most life forms since accompanying high winds will carry the radioactive dust, smoke, etc. to many areas of the earth and destroy agriculture, food chains, etc." I wonder if that last etc. is you and me. Or, do we no longer consider ourselves a part of the food chain? Have I scarred you yet? You wonder why my sleep is disturbed and erratic, why my conscience associates with Hitler's. Let me quote some reality. 92 I heard that once the reactor core hit the earth's water table at eight feet, it combined to create a radioactive cloud, unparalleled since the dawning of the Atomic Age. The cloud was swept across Russia towards Sweden, and then cut back across all of Europe, and then integrated into the atmosphere to nuke the entire globe. Now we definitely will test the theory of Nuclear Winter, I am so excited to test such a horrifying hypothesis. Everyone I know asks, "and how are you doing today?" I can no longer reply in my traditional and monotonous way of fine. I reply with an extreme concern for the future of life. At the end of the conversation, they tell me not to worry about the whole worlds problem, to enjoy the day. I can not understand how they have killed their consciences. Overwhelmed with their lack of concern or care, I wonder if it is similar to a Nazi's claim of, "I was only following orders." Are all of us accountable, we knew the risk, we allowed our leaders to pull the wool over our eyes. Kiyev or Kiev, lies approximately 50 miles from Chernobyl and is the capital of the Ukrainian S.S.R. Kiev had a population of 2,448,000 human beings. How many do you think have died since the explosion, how many more are currently suffering from radiation sickness, how many of their children will be chromosomally deformed for life? All of them! What of the other life forms, are they not all suffering similar fates? Let's pick some other cities in the surrounding 500 miles. Poland, has a population of 37,546,000 Odessa - population 1,126,000. Kharkov - population 1,554,000. Latviyskaya - population 2,600,000. Estonskaya - population 1,580,000. Minsk - population 1,472,000. Mogilev - population 343,000. Romania - population 22,830,000. Bulgaria - population 8,990,000. And then the cloud swept across Europe - population 668,000,000. Do you really think that Communism came to an end because of economic concerns, or because the educated Russian took the gold and fled the country, leaving behind the proud Russian peasant people to rot and die. Would you not try and evacuate yourself and your children? Yet once the fumes are inhaled they are impossible to digest, they live forever within you and your children and their children's children! SUBSCRIBER 12 - THOUGHT 1 December 21, 1992
Today a magical day, A wedding feast, the unison of souls. Love the glue that makes them stay, If forever they choose to play the role. Marriage the game of give and take, This I beg you never mistake. For once infatuation begins to lose it's hold, Love can never wane and lose the glow; That now bonds your spirits with loves gold, In happiness and sorrow you must make it grow. No small task to undertake, This I beg you never mistake. For if each of you gives one hundred percent always, You know compassion rules, Tomorrow's will seem like thousands of today's, You will be Love's fools. Remember forever that you are best friends in hearts, For this is the most valuable lesson in Love art! end. 93 And you thought drugs were a problem of our children, what do you call Chernobyl? I call it one of the first and foremost reasons to start a change. Do we need power generated by nuclear fission, at this price? What are the effects caused to each of us, that now will be discovered? Should the questioning begin with a study of the effects of the nuclear bombs we dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki? 93 I cannot remember how long it has been since I wrote, but it feels like a million years, so much has changed, the internal revolution of my life has begun, again. No more life insurance, freight forwarding instead. A giant break from family, into a whole new environment, one in which I see tremendous growth for myself, a chance to recapture my independence. If you look back to 3/9/92 you will find a mention of Rock-It Garbage Company, I feel one step closer to achieving this dream, vision, or should I say, direction from divine intervening sources. There were not many job choices in my mind, and none that have the future potential to achieve an intense dream. I now am a Rock-It man, with Rock-It Cargo USA Inc. With the departure from family, comes a mixed blend of emotions, I mean there is far less security, yet I thrive on danger. I am one step closer to my island. Divinity seems divine, my energy levels are explosive. My wakening moments are filled with dreams, my direction has intensified a million fold, I am frightened. 93 Plaguing my thought waves is a mass environmental concern, if you have not already noticed. But this concept of rocketing waste into space has all the elements to return the earth to it's delicate balance. I dream the vision entirely, a mere matter of stuffing the waste, see 1985 Reincarnation Of Man, pg.166. My job, money, power, etc., have no meaning, my vision is all that counts. Slowly I am trying to explain to those I know at the ailing defense firms, that space waste management, maintains jobs and projects. Think of it, the defense industry which has theoretically nuked us several hundred times over, could help save us once. The same technology is necessary, and it can be marketed globally. What an image transformation, the whole industry could finally go home to their children feeling positive about their efforts and not guilty for the children's extinction. They might also feel friend to the 50 million species that inhabit this spinning space ball. The direction of the Thought Journal has also weighed heavily on my conscience and I committed to making it a lifetime project to get going. I have just bought a CD ROM drive but it can yet be written to. Soon. The technology is just catching up with the concept. I have decided that the journal will take on a problem solving role to begin. Monthly and annual problems addressing the world, when you have a thought regarding one, your in. Or, I guess, any problem you might have today. 93 You will never understand me, for I am unreachable till your death. What fascinates me is the uniqueness of myself, to myself. It is very difficult to understand yourself as a freak phenomena, in so many diverse aspects of your innate spirit. My confidence in my self is constantly in battle with the world. Everyone who knows me states the same thing, Eliot sees the world in only Eliot's way. My father stated to my partners brother that "he sees A to B as a straight line, with no C & D, but that the job is always done better than anticipated." All my friends will tell you that I have never listened well. I do not. I am to busy listening to the voices I do not even understand. I am to busy contemplating the future of the children, of which I have none. Funny enough, those very same friends that know me for the last 15 or so years, and there are many, will tell you that I have never missed a single word that counted. In addition they would state that they have never been judged by me, that my word was ever biased, and not from my heart, with all my soul. I always say to people who do not at first understand me, that hitting a car carrier at 70, fucks ya up for life. They get it. I claim that all the while that I spun around I was talking to someone and whatever they said to me in those insane moments, has never left my head. They get it, but really don't understand it. When I say that those dissertations I speak, that I do not fully understand myself, nor know where they are derived, are implanted in the few moments of sleep I enjoy, they raise their eyes. When I say that these alien thoughts are the motivating force, the center to my every action, I hear a gasp. When I say it is possession, they are already in full compliance. Possessed by what? I do not know, it is far to awesome for me to grapple with, and I have limited time here on earth to accomplish a lot. I blame it on the accident, but you, weary eyed reader are already in full possession of a far greater history of possession. 93 For example, last night was filled with the most incredible maiden voyage of Rock-It Waste and Toxic Cargo Inc.'s shuttle. We had purchased the shuttle in 1997 from the US Government, which after the Democrats had robbed the kittie, was currently 17 trillion in debt. We scored a fire sale value. David and I were strapped into our seats with full space gear, we began that infinite moment of lift off, where it appears to be moving in slow motion. Then that moment where the rockets kick in and the world flashes before your eyes, which are somewhere in your shoes. Then we loosened our belts as we floated out of the earth, away from the gravity which stresses our every muscle, into the infinite womb of heaven. We fived and the dream lingers on today. 93 2:34 IN B/W CHI AND CA IN PLANE I feel so infinitely small in a world of grandeur. Perplexed by the minuscule effect I will ever have on Peoplekind, I often wonder if it is worth the energy I expend to change such minute parts. Chances are slim that these writings will ever have a bearing on society as a whole, yet I feel that it may also have an overwhelming effect if it ever catches. Yet I am a dreamer and all who know me claim my dreams are far fetched, child like, and insane. Are you one of those? I do not care because the dream is more real than reality, and therefore I must follow them to their end. California / 5:30 PM England Last few weeks are enough to blow my mind. Germany to Denmark to England, I am kind of in shock. I love the travel, so many new friends, so much diverse entertainment. Europe although, is far behind the US in ever achieving friendship between the differing people. So many people seem caught up in old conflicts, I can't foresee them having a central economic or political ideal. In the US. it is much easier to make friends with people of various ethnic backgrounds, because everywhere has a diversity of people. Here in Europe, every country is filled with the same kind of people. For example, in Germany they are all Germans, in Greece they are Greeks, and in New York they are all only common in that they are all freaks. I find this to be the most boring and stagnant part of Europe. I wonder why in America we can all work much better together as a whole. The countries are all still very beautiful though, whereas the US. seems to be all paved. My Chernobyl concerns are taken much more seriously here, in fact, in certain parts of Europe they are not allowed to sell sheep and cattle for consumption. 93 4:42 PM London time When I claim that I am into pulling this whole diverse world together as one, I am looked on as a nut. I must clarify that my ideal world has no similarity amongst individuals, it is not the Hitlarian Aryan race syndrome, it is the opposite, a world full of individuals. Yet, I see here in Europe that everyone seems comfortable being the same, it must provide an intense sense of security to look and act like those surrounding you. I know that being individual, in my world, is very difficult, everyone seems to damn the individual, and they despise the fact that I can not be categorized in a neat and orderly manner. So everyone here builds friendship on communality, if you hate the same, it automatically binds you. I desire to destroy this sameness of the world, my dreams are confronted nightly with the obstacles, my days are filled with the reality that my dream may never be fulfilled within my lifetime. Freedom seems to be confined to those who have conformed, I live within my societies prison a free man. In dreams I see, That I am truly free. Then I awake, I find my mistake. For this my soul forever aches. Come within my sleeping heart, Can you hear the children's future vision, Beating loud, together they are apart. No division, it becomes our decision. My beat abates. I am awake. Desperately my mind restlessly twists, as my conscience grows darker that I am unable to find the way. Laugh at my endless attempts, I know that each separate soul that has tried to bring us together historically, has been murdered, by those who profit from keeping us apart. Still I must continue in hope that some day, even my minuscule attempt will have played a role in freeing human souls. To sit ideally by and watch, seems far worse than conformity, death from rebellion does not frighten me nearly as much. 93 5:58AM London Have you begun to think that I should be examined for excessive loquaciousness, or thinking when will this repetition of sorts end. I am even unsure about how much repetition exists to this point, for I have hardly had time to write it, let alone read it. I am becoming impatient waiting for the thoughts of those that have committed to entering thought, so I guess I will continue to my "bloody" end, despite repetition. I am afraid that I may be targeting the wrong market, that you are already to old and in your way, to have independent thought left. That the challenge of entering a thought has confronted you with the fear that not a thought you think is your own. Are you afraid that although it will become easy for you to join the bandwagon on my insanity, and I have armed you with enough ammunition to destroy my credibility, that many points are valid. Will you destroy the validity with humorous cuts at my personality in attempts to discredit them, and thus alleviate the mental agony of being thoughtless. Well pick and choose the stories that most embarrass me, for I care only that you have come this far, your thoughts of me have no bearing, your thoughts for the children mean the world. If you have reviewed this text and armed yourself with criticisms based on my insanity, you have been duped, you have come this far to find yourself limited in the ability to formulate your own thoughts. If you have traveled this deep within and found that you have focused on the theme, which seems so simple, than you your mind probably has the ability to think for itself, and I will be hearing from you shortly. Or, are you just plain afraid of your own shadow, afraid to become a part of insanity, even though I have protected your facade in animosity. 93 7:21 AM London time Departing from this most brutal tour of Europe, I am thoroughly exhausted and sick. Next it is off to L.A. for a night with O'Nat and then off to Phoenix for the day, then off to Vegas for the weekend, and finally a return to my own bed. I am tired thinking about it. When will the jet lag set in, somewhere next week I will find myself at the end of the line. I have had a wonderful time, I met soooo many nice people and potential clients, I did not get a chance to do the tourist things though, mostly just work, work and work. The space shuttle discovery blasted off today, one more step in the right direction. The purpose of the expedition is to study the ozone and how badly we have deteriorated it. The Russians nuked us again, this time with Plutonium, the most carcinogenic substance known to man, with a life of 24,000 years. Only takes one grain to kill you. They blasted high in the atmosphere, we still don't know where it will come down, how exciting. I mean I find it real humorous to note that nobody really cares. When will this environmental destruction end, when the generation gap that exists today, dies off. We are the generation destined to reclaim earth, we will emerge from the greed driving our forefathers. I sense the change, I fear not having to give up the current pace. Subscriber #21 Thought 1
93 It is interesting to note that if the time of mother earth were measured in a day, that mankind's industrial revolution would fall at 1/40 of a second to midnight on the clock. How long can it go on at the current pace, without catastrophe. Fear the propaganda of the day that claims that our damage is minimal and mass production can go on forever, it comes from a school brainwashed in the good life, at the price of mass and total genocide. Be weary of the rewards to tempt you to submit, there is a personal price to pay later, if you have a conscience left. A cabby in England of German descent said in response to the current state of the planet, that it would be a perfect place for a limited number of people, that we do not have enough resources for all, and money for welfare should only be for condoms. I replied that if he felt this way, he could always commit suicide and lessen the burden for the rest of us. An after thought to this was the Have one - Adopt one, population and resource control theory. Each and every family limited to one child, for every child adopted. Kills two birds with one stone, and denies no woman the right to bear. Hello out there, when are we going to wake up and begin to solve these problems together? Goodnight Date ? Here I sit w/ a broken heart, a broken hand and I feel fine. My life is changing, this is the process I have been speaking of for so many pages, and it is right here, now, before your eyes. I feel shiny and new, like the snake after shedding it's skin. My crystal ball again seems clear, I tremor in excitement, and I also am scared shitless. I am making change, I am again making life not run of the mill, throwing a curve. Understand that this change, is directly related to the opening paragraphs of this text, the mental suicide versus mental freedom. With freedom comes tremendous energy and brilliance, it feels like your wallowing on the sun. Still I must come face to face with the pain that has caused this internal revolution, a return to the pain of childhood again. Here rejection blues paint the scene. After years of change and conformity for a bone from my family, I have again to a degree been outcast, and despite the pain I know it is best. Your always five years old to your family, I must forge the road in my dreams of today. Date ? Where do these new horizons go? I am very uncertain as to direction, but I know I will emerge more a man. Date ? Worked from 6am to now, I am beat. These pins in my hand holding my bone together, makes me feel like Jesus, my sleep has been fragments, my dreams are awake. Today I was numb because of O'Nat and Fish, yet I maintained and continued forth. I now rest assured that I will never be at the mercy of others problems, I have to much other vision. The free time that has emerged has been lonely yet productive, I was sick of wasted time. Date ? My relationships with women must be analyzed, I have denied you the greatest of my stories, but they are often to painful to reflect on, I have loved them all so intensely. My first love, my mother, is probably the best place to start analysis. Here is where I first experienced both the joy and pain of love, where my innocence and passion were created. My mother and I had an incredibly stormy beginning, for I was incorrigible, no discipline worked. When I first went into analysis, I was very angry at my mother for sending me, my siblings and others called me crazy. The relationship worsened daily. Every day I would come home from school, or, blowing off school, having created another national disaster. My mother would try to talk to me, I would not listen and get very angry, she would get very angry. I would freak out on her and start yelling, she would get very hurt and retreat until my father would come home. When my dad came home, my mother would tell him of the days events and then either both or my just my dad would come and try to talk and reason with me. At that stage in my life, reasoning with me was far more difficult, I truly never listened to their advice, my world was mine. I always felt in these instances that my mother narked me out and this furthered my anger. I did love them though for all the time and energy they gave to try and help me, my anger really was not directed at them, I had this relationship with all authority figures. Date ? I only wish I could have experienced those days with the knowledge and understanding I have today, I was a child though. Betrayal at that age for any reason, is betrayal, and my mother I felt was behind it, her reasons at that time were not a concern. So I felt utterly rejected by my primary loves, my father too. Date ? I am changing my entire life, I am afraid. Everything has happened so fast, I can't catch up, no time. Sleep would be a change. Date ? Slept for the last 15 hours, I feel great. I was just reviewing old love letters that I am going to insert when my hand is better, for your reading enjoyment. I broke down and cried at about 30 of them. Very difficult to revisit the memories of the loves of ones life. Date ? i am typing without caps because my left hand is broken. i am overdosed with mankind's sickness day in, day out. bombarded with violence at astonishing rates, from so many sources. Death! Death! Death! And more Death! Not much is necessary death though, no stories on Ricky who died at 72 from "natural" death. Instead, in 22 minutes on CNN, I can witness approximately 50 - 1,000 deaths of all sorts of murder at the hands of "mankind." I stress the man, yet it has spread to all. We are inundated daily with media on wars, massacres, shootings, burning's, drowning's', police brutality, governmental brutality, gorilla warfare, car accidents, AIDS victims, starving children, natural disasters, Chernobyl's, bombings, terrorist attacks. Finally, if you have not had enough real death, you can literally find hundreds of thousands of varieties of fictional stimuli to fulfill your appetite, just pick up a book or more commonly in these times, turn on the boob tube. I wonder, will I become just another useless death statistic, another film clip, maybe even on home video. Falling prey to "civilized" man is desensitized in my mind, it is to realistic a possibility. I am upset because violence and death have become synonymous with some sort of perverse entertainment. Live deaths from major catastrophe's are my favorite, they make me so happy to be alive. I do feel for all the deaths, I view a sense of minute sorrow. If my sorrows were larger, as you might perchance think due when witnessing hundreds, thousand, or millions of people evaporated or dying slowly; my life would be completely depressed in morning. I could just turn it all off, which I am slowly beginning to do, but then who would get mad at all these things I stress all night over? Date ? Therapy was intense today, we discussed why I am unique, and how it effects my interpersonal relationships. In reading this I am sure you have a slight concept of my intensity, it is often overpowering in person, it often overpowers me. I quote you, from The Art Of War, by the Master Sun Tzu; So it is said that if you know others and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know others but know yourself, you win one and lose one; if you do not know others and do not know yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle. I have been knowing myself, close to as long as you have been hiding, not to say that I have not done my share of hiding. But since 8 I have been uncovering the layers versus piling them inside. When I most feel like hiding, I call my shrink of the day, and go attempt to face myself. At first I don't succeed, and so I normally go again and again, until I come to grips with whatever the situation may be. I conquer enough to continue functioning and in the end I wrap the situation into an understanding. Finally I document it into another chapter, so that I may always reflect and learn from it, as well as you. I fear not the situation any longer, the pain expressed, the analysis complete. I know not if the same would be true for you, for me, it is normal. People always question if I will ever discontinue the process of analysis, only if I get Alzheimer's. The reason is that with or without the therapy, my mind has become conditioned to think analytically. The challenge of a therapist is the honesty level is increased, in explaining and questioning to one that is unbiased and you trust, you deny and justify for a shorter period than when you analyze alone. I am not afraid of what is inside me, I am not often ashamed of my actions, I enjoy the mental challenge of a therapist, I enjoy not carrying the weight, I love to express my passions. I carry the effects of analysis off the couch, it effects my every action, all my relationships. Date ? My thoughts are becoming more fragmented each day, as the number of issues confronting me, on many levels, continue to compound. So many events have occurred changing my course instantaneously. So many more new events are occurring to shape my future, that I feel thrust into a whirlwind, as I rise to the eye, the debris increases. There is no stopping, slowing down is a distant dream again, I have not had a moment of peaceful recollection in four months. I am not tired, I seem fueled with 3-4 hours of sleepwake, in which I can barely notice the mental transition anymore. The order of my days feels attached to my dreams, although I am awake while executing the actions, I have not the time to contemplate them prior to execution. Thus, the question in my mind becomes, where in fact is the knowledge to execute coming from? I am not bored in solitude, contemplating my actions, or others, I am main lined in a dreamy direction. Or, are there really possessive voices from ?, directing my life. I have been contemplating this issue with no resolve for many years, I am open to suggestions. Perhaps you feel this way at times? Date ? Again I am very tired and my sleep tends to border wake, this writing is to confirm that these very moments are not in fact a dream, in the morning. My hand throbs constantly as the pins make it feel like a vice grip is constantly attached. Date ? The pins have been removed, 2 1/4" each. I feel another great thorn in my life has been lifted. Relationships for me need a rest, I am tired, I have been abused, fractured. More my heart is in a great sense of denial to the pain of another disastrous relationship, I don't feel secure in love, I need time to work through multiple feelings of multiple loves. I have avoided the printing of this saga, although I have been reviewing a tremendous amount of love letters past. I do not really communicate with my old lovers, once it is over I find no need to return to more of what didn't work before. I love and miss every single one of them, and I owe each a great deal for the tremendous amount of love we shared. It has always been, raw, passionate, adventuresome and spontaneous love. We delved the corridors of love and sex, each relationship shared a different part of my life, in total. We lived for another so intensely, we shared our souls openly and honestly, from the most exciting and passionate of feelings, to our greatest heartaches. I guess it was always so intense, that when it ended, we parted and hardly could come to face to face. Date ? CHICAGO I drove through Glencoe today, by the house my family grew up in, down by the school yard, to the beach, down the side of the hill on the same path I had trodden so many times in youth. I wondered if childhood had completely slipped away, until I noticed that my footsteps seemed the same again. That I in fact have stopped growing up for you, and decided to again live like the child I am. I wrote recently that I feel that my life is going through growing up, I am so happy growing up has brought me back to my childhood. I believe that the essence of life lies buried beneath the social conformities we have all conformed to, somewhere in the innocence of childhood. So I strolled this perfect suburban village, the village my parents dreamed and succeeded in raising children in. As I stopped in front of my grade school, the old building sent a shiver through my body, I knew that this institution was a focal point in my development, I saw through the same eyes I did as a child, I remembered the faces, names, and all the events. I relived some. I watched an inning of ball in the field with all the parents, I knew exactly how each child was feeling, I had felt all those ways only to a short a time ago. My mind blistered through these memories in lighting bolt fashion, each jolt getting a fresh tear of joy. Sitting at that old mansion of a home, all the scenes of my family came flooding me in tidal fashion, I remembered all the good things that came to my spirit and soul from this house, a gush of wind sent all the love joys resounding in my mind, my senses filled with past senses. Within the walls that seemed to breathe these memories, I suddenly realized that no matter how difficult the road I traveled, these very breathes are what give me my inner security when I feel like sighing at the burdens that continually consumes me. In the back of mind I know evade writing about the loves of my life, I am scrambling to find any other subject, it hurts, my heart still aches from each. These were my best friends, the people I shared most of my time with, I shared everything and passionately. The end as you can see after that last flashback often left me angry and hurt, lashing out in retaliation. Normally that lash turns around to strike me. 08-18-93 4:48 AM Thailand Normally I question where to begin when I start to write. In Thailand there is no question, the people. What it is about these people that makes them different from any people I have ever met? Their incredible ability to flow with any situation. No surges of any type, just steady current adapting to any environment. Everything is "okay" always, "no problem." Can you imagine a land where people still care about other people, why it has become known as "the land of smiles." 8/18/93 8:28PM Thai time Does the belief in Buddhism cause such outward pleasantness? It is outward pleasantness, because even when insulted and angry, they maintain passive in action. In my country, outward kindness to others is not expected, it has been forgotten. Here, the people not only expect but still respect kindness. Has capitalism not spread far and deep enough, or long enough, to destroy this. 8/23/93 10:04 AM Thai time You can see how America became degenerated so rapidly by looking closely at this country, in America I was born into society to late to ever see contrast. Bangkok is only the societies beginning, slowly cityscape creeps into the surrounding country side, devouring natural beauty and replacing it with human waste. Interesting to note, is how societies psyche is being transformed along with the country. Western civilization is thrived on, and the most minor of life's luxuries in America are cherished. The order of life currently is; Buddhism, The Royal Family, a ticket to the Michael Jackson concert, and finally, a television. The value system has slowly eked way to the monetary system, what was once sacred and revered, now has a price tag. The rivers once beautiful and a haven of life, now lie polluted and dying, sacrificed in the name of "civilization." Was it worse before? Still Thai dyed I see here what I despise in Western "civilization", what has destroyed our planet. I wonder, are we children brainwashed from birth, with hosts of false values, or do we evolve naturally to them? Is our desire to mass produce not causing mass waste? Maybe the children of the 60's have all died, no one seems to care of affect anymore? Were they just a drugged dream or have they been the catalyst to an evolving change? I am unsure we westerners can see it anymore, it is all consuming from birth. Yet, here where it has not devoured every moment of life, it is stark and sad to see the evolution. Date ? in Thai Death, death, death - immortal pain that rules your brain, So heavy are these things like acid rain Thailand to the USA, is taking me far to long to return, my mind needs rest. Date ? The change, so rapid, so diverse, so positive and negative. My life feels tremendous turmoil, I am flowing like a rapid river, I must try to cope with the change. I have completed what I set out to change, the change is not completely what I desire, although it will suffice for the time. Another 4-5 years of work in unrelated areas to my expertise in psychology. SUBSCRIBER #13 THOUGHT #1
August 14, 1994 I What did g-d mean by light, let their be life?? Question is am I now afraid of light, for it's counter part hath no fury. Or, am I now prepared, less naiveté. Am I convinced that "specialness" has a price? I have been dying to complete the special part of this book. The part of actual death, the part I keep secret to myself, for I thrill seek not on seeing the trip in your eyes, the reality. Hell, your fascinated at the O.J. Simpson story. August 21, 1994 So to begin the life part of this book again, I must kill the death, and again rise, for the umpteenth time. This time I have prepared myself better to catch the fall. I am a warrior, I have a mission. My mission has been set of course, to better prepare my course, my dream slowly comes back to focus. Traumatized again, the difference being no physical damage, just love damage. I am unsure which is more devastating. Where do I go on this journey from hell? I look to the dreams for guidance, dreams in which I allow the voices to rule. I have no set road, therefore I must allow it to just occur. I have moved into a writers house, across the way from the miserable old people. I must comment that if aging in this world we live in creates spirits as dilapidated as those at 2525, I dare never grow old now. As a matter of course, I have decided to journey down, or grow down. I look to getting back to my initial spirit, to the freedom of childlike mind. I fear those things that have before clouded my mission, I now will attempt to overcome them. I have drugged them for the pain. I now will work them out, weight training and surfing for now. Strong and fit, I will sail out of here in three to five years. Am I to weak? yes, but I will gain strength daily, and create an ocean child. And further, I will awaken from death completely. Is this a statement that society sucks, yes, open your eyes to the society evolving before your eyes. We are not even friends anymore, we suspect and damage each other for billions of reasons. August, 23, 1994 So it goes to pass, that I move into 2525 Ocean Boulevard, and see very strange and bizarre things in both my dreams and awakenings. I claim to all those around me, that the house, for all intensive purposes, is not only filled with the living dead, but the actual dead. I speak to many friends about the young boy who lived within my bedroom each day that I lived there, we live simultaneously within different times. We at once can see the other, to speak would not transgress the dimension. Yet, my "real" friends laugh, some scarred, some think they see, but see me as more crazy. So it goes to pass, that I move into 2512 Ocean Boulevard, and within the first days, begin having strange and bizarre visions, of my life, but I get confused at which life. I can not distinguish ore real. My dream seems like life without fragment. I die and Indian buried in some sort of stone like configuration and I am burned. I see a rising, a reclaiming of land. I almost intermingle with a host of ghosts. The living seem related to the past. December 25, 1994 & A Merry X-MAS! And who in fact am I? Isn't that the point to this absurdity? If you were to ask around, to pry into my who, my what; what would you find? Am I afraid? Not at all. Would you be shocked or stunned, I have not created new things. To my friends, I am the excess, the over joy to the celebration of life. Further, I would seem to be that corner philosopher of the times, who offers the radical view that confronts your inner spirit. I have been told that I am severely over concerned with world problems, that I oft forget to concern myself with myself. There is more, a host of other bizarre and more personal escapes from the inexorable pain that comes from such twisted and strange dreams and visions. Imagine sleeping on every imaginable human plight, you need outlet. My society offers the culmination of thousands of wonderful years of outlets and I touch each and every end of that spectrum. January 3, 1995 HAPPY NEW-YEAR And why the hell am I counting time? Why do I think and act in billions of every day activity? Have you messed with my mind? Am I the same if I did not let you influence my mind. Have I sold? Have you sold? I mean does the media effect your brain, are you now an actor in a play? Do you know what and who you are? I am scarred for the intelligence of our kind? We think what is taught. I could teach you to eat vomit and would you love it? what if everyone else were doing it? Not peer pressure, the pressure of who and what you really are. What you are is "normally" pushed and prodded down your throat. You are a victim of the times. You have probably sacrificed a great deal of your mind to your time. January 8, 1995 We've just been dead a year. Why? Why should the pusher be punished, when the user demands? Who is the user, everyone. Not just humans alive today, but every time before us. Put all the users in prison and you have the same problem that exists, not enough housing if you confined them to their homes. I think what really is undermining our futures is the fundamental lack of humanness our current role demands. School and work, to the point of losing personal freedom. What is personal freedom? Look about at the "Animal Kingdom." Enter this world of "primitiveness", and you will see all the creatures busily performing a billion different daily tasks. g-d knows what each and every one of them is trying to achieve. They enter the world and the only thing on their mind is their daily duties and living and eating and sleeping and mating! When tasks are complete, day is done. Kick it with the family. Do you need excess in this world? No. Do you try to accumulate a massive amount of things? No. Do you need money? No. Do you need to own a home for generations to come? No. No, you just get free time to view g-ds creative effort and then you die. Now enter my world, our world, and you will see that the average human barely has time to just kick it and observe. Start with schooling, it takes 8 hours, with 4 of homework. Add 8 hours of sleep and you have four hours. Of those 4, 2 are for eating and two for transportation. Did I forget to mate? May 06, 2001 And here I sit re-thinking the past 37 years, wondering if it is a sign of what is to come and fearing the possible connection. Two kids and a wife, the typical suburban droll, what has become of the reckless kid? Not to say that I am unhappy with my new lot, it is just that the passion seems to have been dampened, not by the family, but by the past. Have you ever found yourself wondering why your not something that you feel you must be, that there is a pull towards something greater but you can’t get your hands around it? My life is at a juncture, I can sense the change, and the dreams are there but I can’t see when I awake. The voices loom large in darkness and in the light I barely see them, yet they motivate me in a mad possession. I sense that these past few years will have a profound effect; I just can’t plot the direction. Oh, that’s right, you’ve no idea what these past years have unfolded, I have kept these thoughts from print from fear of the pain of the printed word. So after those years with the Rock-n-Roll gig and a few more blistering painful years of selling death insurance, I had a dream. I had packed up on LA to go be with folks in FL and life could not have become more mundane. Financially backwards since my divorce and all those lovely tax problems, I had settled to become a family man and get my proverbial “shit” together, something the 30 years of therapy had failed to do. Just as I had paved the driveway with another coat of tar, a loud voice came rumbling through my head and laid a giant footstep in a perfectly drying seal. A vision so strange it could change the way you see, of images that could zoom, a method for making 2D into 2 1/2D. Ask why in the middle of mundane would come the exotic, I can’t understand. Once again my life a sea of cataclysmic change and a re-birth into another dimension, a change so bizarre nobody could have foreseen. Unless of course you knew of this underlying burning desire to see Dinosaurs project themselves from a screen, so realistically that it would make you shit. Unless you knew of my fear for the world that drives me to never ending wake less nights, you would never understand the need for this “technology”. And with this great technology, my life has once again become a mess. Where do I begin to explain the complexity that this has caused? Start with the simple fact that in simple suburbia, the day before the discovery, life had finally settled down. I was home 7 days a week, no more wild parties with wild people, just kickin it with the wife and kids, a regular Joe. You might say that as soon as the dust was beginning to collect a Tornado rolled through, I awoke my wife with the vision of being able zoom on a screen to magnificent degrees from a simple 2D picture. And overnight, everyone who saw it was fascinated and amazed with the way it worked, and I still for the life of me don’t understand the mechanics, I did know it was cool. Suddenly a gift from g-d was becoming a business with a “core” technology behind it. Patent it. This is now funny. About the same time everyone was ogling over this breakthrough, another seemingly simple solution to a very complex problem became readily apparent to me. Again, overnight, a new technology was discovered that became the basis for another set of patents. More business, more complexity, less time seeing the kids, these technologies consumed my core. At first, it all seemed so simple and the ideas were merely a means to get the dinosaur story projected to a wide audience of thought journal type subjects that were tuning into the Internet. I never listened a damn to an engineer, and there were many, that said what is now possible was impossible. Well the next thing you know my life is overwhelmed with running a company. I am propelled into a business I know nothing about and a complexity that requires teams of engineers to understand. I am thrust in front of the biggest companies in the world to display my goods and they peer in with preying eyes. Where’s your business plan, and who’s running the show, and where you getting the money, and friends and family’s lives, and all this shit, and oh lord, why me? So this business grows and it grows and consumes and consumes and I watch as millions of dollars are invested and spent. Employees and overhead and responsibilities and responsibilities; a bit overwhelming for a guy who hasn’t worked for a company in 25 years. Nor am I the boss, which is a good thing but still so much is placed upon me and it drains my creative spirit and robs me of my fatherhood. Yet still I fathom on. And the billionaire invested, the geniuses professed, the lawyers digressed and the largest computer, entertainment, graphics companies in the world took a peek and more is coming. Turns out the technologies may have a role in all kinds of things and the plot thickens. And my life becomes consumed in the center of the business world and all these kind of corporate gigs and things, my favorite, bored meetings. From the get go my goal was to not let the corporate world color the technologies in profit or greed, but it appears much of that may have already happened. Only myself to blame. But how to change it is my goal. You see I tried to tell everyone that I stumbled and it was the work of a g-d, I wasn’t sure which, so many voices have passed through my head. Some of the greatest minds in this space claimed I had discovered the holy grail, and I didn’t know I was looking for it. I was actually trying to help prevent extinction. I said the children needed good graphics and the state of things was pathetic, both in virtual environments and in video. Voilà! We had awesome new virtual worlds and full screen low bandwidth kick videos. I was freaked by it a bit more than you may be, but this is because the story is nowhere near told. Why did the children need these tools, to protect the planet from doom of course. What doom? Wake up dude. So the story is simple to me. The children are in great danger, they need medium to communicate and cross cultural boundaries to save themselves and all creatures. I fear this from having a few Cadillac’s fall upon my head and traversing to a place you can’t understand and I can’t explain for the life of me without sounding nuts. From this vision I am possessed with trying to create a futuristic dinosaur story that combines a virtual environment with an interactive world. It started with these poems that came to me in flurries, over many years, the poems of those voices I speak of, I knew not from where it flowed. And these dinosaurs die from greed, proliferation and evil deeds to Mother Nature and her creatures, and they are banished for eternity, losing all the grandeur of her jungle. The story begs man to look how close this looms for us and to take action. To come together and drop hate and all those other nonsensical barriers that will lead to us all frying the same, and our children too. Compels you take action to help by contributing your thoughts and worlds in a chance that may have impact. Visualization is critical to this end, we must be able to see the problems and then contribute thought that may have change and impact. We must provide tools for this mega-orgy of thought, tools that will channel the thoughts to solution actions. Sounds complex, is complex and requires tremendous resources. What better place to begin than by fixing the then pathetic state of video and images on the web. So g-d gives them to me for no other reason than I guess he trusts me or wants to torture me. Or the other truth, he wants to have records before we go to oblivion. With the best of intent I start a company that will help enable children to see a better world and have a hand in creating this better world. Friends and family join in help the cause get going; they own a considerable chunk of the company. Here I sit with a company valued at over 30 million and it is still in its infancy. But as it began to become a business it lost it’s altruistic nature and has become something very different, something that must be changed. The very thing it seeks to destroy, it has become, and this may be a necessary evolutionary step in its growth, it just may be a frightening if not catastrophic one. But there is reason to have faith; I just can’t get a handle on it. My fear propels me on. 5.24.01 Enable children has faded to the background and nothing else is really that important. How to bring the children back to forefront? what would be nice is to use the technologies to draw them in, how to manage and create that one? Television becoming interactive and the internet can become the driving and instrumental force that bring about this change. It will be disruptive! It already is. But my vote was already cast that the old system both sucks and needs to be immediately changed, no matter the disruption level. Teachings must change. From hell comes a vision. A blurry black vision at first, Submersed in pain, Pain from this or that. Black eyes, black skies, No light. No hope. Despair. Tears, Tears, Tears. Cry, Cry that it is hopeless. Cry, Cry that it is futile. Cry, Cry that you are alone. Cry, Cry that you hate all. Cry, Cry that love has died. Cry, Cry that a loved one has died. Cry, Cry until your heart is dust. Here in this void, Two choices you find; Suicide or Rise. Suicide can be complete or the soul can rot, The living dead, a common lot. To rise, A feat; That comes at a price, First you have to muster strength And prepare for a fight. The devil it appears, Who thrives on your fears, Withering your will to fight, Can blind your eyes, And steal your drive, And leave you out to die. The trick it seems, Is to prepare your dreams, For dreams are the works of g-d. Let them fill your head, With whisks of light, Clinging to them in the blackness of night. For only in darkness can dreams be formed. Dreams that truly transform. Follow the light, For it leads to the sun, Look not back, into the black. Look ahead to the dreams end, For dreams are only part of a vision. Vision that comes in the night, Is the key to sight, And until you can see, You will be in hell, Never free of past misery, The visionary, Conquers dreams. Trampled again and again, Only to stand upright, in the end. Who are you? Are you afraid to see again, Worried that the future, May be the past all over again? Then you will never rise, A victim of your own demise. The strength my friend, Can only come from within, The heart that lacks courage withers thin. Inside your soul, Lie all the seeds to sow, Plant your vision firmly. Forget not to tend your lot, As your dreams begin to grow, To neglect and not protect them, Will wilt them in the end. A dream you see, A reflection of g-d in your brain. To act upon these innate thoughts, Takes a madman indeed. For how can dreams turn reality, When they are purely fantasy? So through life we go, Constrained, Trampled, Trodden warriors, Battle fatigued, In pain and suffering, Of dead and dying dreams. Whisks of light turn black, Darkness now your friend, Kill your pain with this or that, For what does it really matter, Will your dreams change the world? You have dreamed, Your dreams have died, So why keep dreaming, A black hole in your eyes? And when you rise from shattered dreams, Does morning look like night, Are you tired, Unable to fight? Here at the bitter end, How can one mend, The shards of night, That rips the flesh to bone, Exposing your shattered innards, You’ve hidden below. You find yourself alone. No help on the way, No one will rescue you, Crushing you instead. Atlas himself, Could never had withstood, The weight of the psyche, As it crashes down. Mere mortal you are, More somber your plight: Terror and Fright. From the pounding waves, That crash again and again, How can the mind mend? In mists of madness The journey must begin, Cast away your fears, To duel the devil again. Arm yourself with vision, An intangible dream, And sculpt it from top to bottom, Until your hands bleed. For at first your vision, Like a giant boulder May show no signs of beauty. And when you crack that first blow, Of the chiselers bow, The boulder may shatter to pieces, And you can leave this sandy lot, Or find another boulder to whack. Like Sisyphus you must go, Through the same dream trodden path, Till you strike enough blows, To have a Michelangelo at last. You now see the vision, A foggy reality at last, Dormant organs come alive fast. It is in the pristine state, Where you conquer pride, And work as g-ds servant, side by side. Away you chisel, possessed by the unseen, The past is forgotten, You live for the dream. Each breath of life, Polishes the stone, You are no longer alone. For g-d is a creature who meddles in the night, You are his prey if you can still fight. For once you let go of his light, The devil needs little might, To conquer your soul, And darken your nights. And I am unhappy. I am insecure. I want to be loved and I give all I can, yet I feel very little is given back. I have no trust left in people, I have been massacred in feeling. What worth does my life really have at this moment, none without love. Here I am 28, and very alone. Can you really trust anybody with your feelings, so often they are used only to rip your heart to shreds. Why even bother to trust. So am I really alone, and, if so, do I disregard others completely and go forward with my own life? What is my own life, I do not know anymore. And I fear I have moved into an association of miserable old people. I do not mean chronologically old folks, I mean they seem to have died in misery at birth and learned to perfect the art with age. Maybe you can relate, no matter the age, misery seems misery. You know the people I speak of because misery happens rarely over night. When it happens overnight, I often define it as a trauma. For example, if your whole family died in a plane crash but yourself, are you not justifiable even to the extent that you never return from the pain for the rest of your life. I distinguish miserable people of all ages who have no severe trauma, and yet, still cannot seem to grip the beauty of the day. Always caught up in the misery of their personal lives, never secure and confident, always plotting, planning and manipulating their inner environment, to learn about the "best laid plans of mice and men" over and over again in the end. So getting old has nothing to do with the process of getting miserable. Dr. Angres is in his 80's chronologically, and 18 mentally. He walks and talks more than most people of every age group I know, he carves intricate apple art, he paints everything especially that coming from the waters, seashells and the like. These are not large canvas type projects for his battered eyes, these are intricate bits of history and the likes, painted mostly on no larger than the palm of his hand. His retention seems fascinating as he conducts Freudian psychoanalysis and at the very same moment paints Sodom and Gomorra on a fragment, and has not missed a word you rambled on. Funny to note that his retention of events over the years is untouched and that he can recall my emotion better than I 20 years ago. My version is normally more colored with time. It is often stark and helpful, to be confronted with truth after you have washed away the reality with years. I see no defects with age other than some normal signs of aches and pains, I am happy every single time the door opens and his large hand greets mine with a warm, happy and friendly grip. Nobody from this building other than my immediate neighbors who are not yet 40, have made any introduction. From the first moment I lived here I was confronted with misery. I had a broken rib so all my friends helped move me And And another's thought A special quality which holds a special place in my heart in memories of my Ava. Ava has always had a very giving heart. She never hesitated to give to anyone who was without. She spent most of her life giving. Giving her love and time to her daughter Tia Josie and to all her family and friends. She was always willing to do whatever she could do to help whoever was in need. The heart of an angel. Each one of us children spent a lot of time at Ava’s as young children as she was always ready to help. Things were always so peaceful at Ava’s. I can’t think of a better place to be. And the food was always so very good. Portuguese pot roast, chicken with rice soup, masasfatha and the list goes on and on. Always treated like a king when we stayed at Ava’s . She dedicated her life to serving others. I wish we all could live our life by this example she has left to us. A GIVING HEART And And In today's unique international system of war in which whole or partial destruction of an enemy as a means to accomplish a military end exists, these practices must be evaluated in light of traditional war theory. If in fact the system today does not fit in with past theory, then two possibilities exist; either change traditional policy to logically fit today's warring capabilities or accept that today's practices fit no current or traditional policies of war. Perhaps war has evolved to the stage where no rationale can be logically purported to pursue military action which inevitably involves taking innocent lives and therefore must be removed from the arena of logical recourses. Reviewed here within will be the necessary steps an alternative strategy to the absolute "Principle Of Discrimination" as defined within the "Just-War" theory, would have to logically follow to cause an acceptable policy which justifies killing noncombatants to be adopted. Traditional "Just-War" theory as defined by St. Augustine and Saint Thomas, revolves around two critical assumptions. The first entails the belligerent having a right to enter war with an aggressor legitimately and with good intentions, referred to as Jus Ad Bellum. The second, Jus In Bello, governs legitimate and illegitimate conduct in the exercise of military means. The Principle of Proportion is a utilitarian argument which weighs the good and evil of the consequences the military attack will cause. The Principle of Discrimination strictly prohibits the intentional use of military objectives which are designed as intentional attacks on innocents. The inherent problem in the theory is that even if the Jus Ad Bellum is given to the belligerent, to what extent in today's global war field may he transgress the Principle of Discrimination and violate the Jus In Bello? If it is accepted that in the traditional Just-War theory the aggressor may be defined as the party not adhering to any one criteria of the theory, the question focuses on if in fact the belligerent can disobey Just-War doctrine in defense. In the most technologically advanced stage of destruction man has presently achieved, why has an issue as archaic as protecting innocents been a central factor in the legitimacy governing military strategy. The issue of the Principle of Discrimination raises the distinction between who and what can be distinguished as true military combatants. Supposing the distinction could logically be asserted, the next question raised is how many innocents may be sacrificed in order to pursue the guilty aggressor. The extreme position in this controversy states that "One may not attack innocent third parties as part of individual self-defense. In war, the only permissible objects of direct attack are the enemy's soldier. In both cases, the overriding moral prescription is that evil must not be done to obtain a good object." p.40. O'Brien contends this to be a basic pacifistic approach in which any act that kills noncombatants is viewed as morally impermissible. I disagree wholly with the label he chooses for this view and propose instead that it is the only moral approach that can be justified and therefore should be tagged the moralistic approach. Killing noncombatants is morally unjust. Any attempt, any attempt, to rationalize when it is appropriate to depart from the Principle Of Discrimination immediately breaks implicit standards of the Just-War theory and places the belligerent as an aggressor. This asserts then that the death of one innocent (or millions) may not be risked to serve a greater end such as, defending one's self, the politico-economic system defended, or the world population without making the belligerent a guilty aggressor. Possibly the modern weaponry of today, with its non-discriminatory killing potentials, leaves open no other option than for wars to be fought by leaders who hide behind the innocent masses. This is an attempt to justify passivity on the grounds that to kill him you must kill the innocent he covers his cowardice with or remain passive to him. The opponent to the moralistic approach claims that some situation can allow a state to follow in the belief that it can resort to killing innocents in a direct effort to save innocents. The logical course followed here is that in order to avoid event A, you must commit act A. Act A of course is morally wrong. Clearly, the lines of logic break down and what is left are fruitless attempts at pseudo-logic, i.e. a philosophy which allows one to choose which one of the innocent groups shall be spared, (if any in today's nuclear market), in a claim that one innocent group is more worthy than another. This is a philosophy which is both psychologically and morally impermissible because, the "...distinction between primary, desired effect and secondary, concomitant, undesired by- product is often difficult to accept."p.43. And this raises serious questions to the competency of those who promulgate it. Some opponents to the moralistic approach would claim that intention can save their argument. What does intention have to do with random homicide of innocents? This is the question offered by the moralist. The opponent theory holds that if the intent was a counter-value military strike without the intention of killing innocents, then those dead innocents were simply a by-product of a morally acceptable actions. This "double effect" argument fails in that the opponent theory here relies on suppressing the ultimate consequences of the belligerents actions in a mirage of ultimate intents. This in fact, would make double effect work in a diametrically opposed fashion. I would choose to call it a reversed or twisted double effect in that the action simply leads to opposing its initial intent. Again, the opponent theory fails drastically in securing logic as a pre-imminent condition in deciding diplomatic war theory. Pause for a moment from this tricky logic and ask if the consequence of any morally acceptable act can logically result in death to any number of innocents. Even if it could be granted that these ends were justified how can the justification distinguish between where to draw the line of innocents and combatants. In national wars now-a- days, is not the entire enemy population a legitimate population to take counteractions against? In modern wars, in which the fighting takes place in the backyards of populated areas instead of on the battle fronts of yesteryear, cannot the whole nation be a target population (take the nuclear threat to the entire Western European ecological life systems). For example, I would like to pick some particularly guilty groups to target first. The entire tax paying population of any system of government which advocates the killing of innocent persons. Any institutions which directly or indirectly support aggressive military actions against innocents should be targeted. The entire population of enemy babies since they, of course, would potentially be second generation soldiers in the battle against the belligerent's rights. At what point will the opponent stop justifying their lack of intention? Is this not the same claim that many members of the Nazi party suggested at their trials? My example of killing innocent babies is their reality. The opponent belief is a mere hallucination confounding psycho-illogical horrors with reality. In light of the opposing argument against a moralistic approach, can there be cases which defy the criteria of Just-War? No, there are none. The opposing theory to Just-War is illogical and its intentions are not rational, realistic, proportional, discriminatory, moral in consequence, and ultimately do not follow Jus Ad Bellum and no Jus In Bello. Then it logically follows that it cannot be the basis for which mankind builds civil policy, at least not in a civil nature. Yet the fault of the opposing argument does not necessarily imply the superiority of a passive Just-War theory - no war. Passive Just-War theory, however, can strengthen its own argument on some of the faults of the opposition's argument. It has been evidenced that a theory which holds that a rationalization for the slaughter of innocents cannot be justified on the grounds of freedom to pursue one's desire in peace, for instead, it results in severely (death) impairing an alternate group of equally innocent human beings. The answer lies in returning to the Just-War theory. According to purely moralistic sentiment, the belligerent may do the most morally acceptable solution to aggressive actions if he does not oppose Just-War in the traditional sense. Although innocents may be lost on the side of the belligerent, it is not necessary for a retaliation of equally psychotic acts to be instituted. The pacifist can in fact direct all military and non-military effort at attacks on those guilty of supporting military aggression directly. The difficulty of who is guilty cannot be treated the same under a moralistic theory as it was under the light of intention which assigns guilt in the opposing argument. Under a moralistic approach, the guilty are those who deny absolute discrimination to any extent, for any purpose. The moment one is persuaded to depart from pacifism, one has inevitably supported some form of violence and has become a direct contributor to either aggression or retaliation, if the two can still be distinguished. It is humorous to note that this segment of society which purports violence in this sense, is guilty both in Jus Ad Bellum and in Jus In Bella and a Just-War seems to allow the elimination of them. This is because any supporter of violence who transcends the criteria of Just-War has in effect become a guilty aggressor. It seems only a matter of common sense, if that high of a sense needs to be appealed to, to accept the notion that if the chief enemy of peace is violence then the chief enemy of violence is peace. Can retaliatory violence ensure peace or just ensure further violence? Just review mankind's violent past. It seems that primitive violence is but a jest in consequence compared to today's modern violence. The moralist exhausts all means of passive restraint contained in Just-War theory before he even considers an attack against the aggressor. In no situation will the moralist submit to the slaughter of innocents. Staggering effects can be obtained in the training of the civilized mind if appropriate role models are set but, someone (the pacifistic moralist) must take the initiative to begin. For example, if two mutually immature boys were about to fight physically, would it be correct to cheer them on? Is it moral to intervene on behalf of one or the other? Does the retaliation of one lead to more violence or less violence? Has mankind, in an attempt to justify the immoral and illogical consequence, sold its soul to a more devilish course of action in which it will one day be subsumed in its own illegitimacy? Has history not painted itself black with evidence to the false ideology that with violence and threat will come any type of victory? I believe that in an effort to secure world peace the superpowers should apply the lesson which shows that escalating violence results in a stalemate ending in either pacifism or mutual annihilation. Finally, it has been claimed that the United States and Russia are the most technologically advanced military states. A more suitable role model seems to be that they become the most civilized nations, and therefore, adopt a policy of pacifism which eliminates any policy of possible extinction. It must be accepted that today's military practices have consequences which fit no policy offering logical recourse. Since a passive argument insists on not using violence or threats to enroll its occupants, it may be a long time before the all to often brain washed mass will decide on its own that war has no glory and it is the passive moralist's dream that this will happen before mankind sees its own demise from its own means. And Dear School, I am applying to your school for a very defined reason, and seek your opinion, as to if your facilities would be an appropriate place to help facilitate me reach my life intended goal. A bit of personal history is necessary to understand my dream. I was born rebellious. I grew up rebellious, and I still am a bit rebellious. As can be expected I had the typical symptoms of a rebel: I was in constant defiance of authority, completely independent in mind and spirit, always into something. You can still reference my family for a million supporting stories, hearing a quite different account depending on which you ask. Typical authoritarian institutions such as school, religion, or parents were not for me. I did things the hard way, whatever I innately felt was best for all. Being at odds with the norm, I was typically type-cast a delinquent, hyperactive, psychopathological etc... My parents sensing the impending disaster and having been in therapy themselves at the time, placed me in therapy, I was eight. I said that I was not the person I was type cast as, but instead viewed myself as; independent, and not conforming to force or thought control methods employed by institutions. When authority challenged me, as it is a commonalty that authority attack the rebel, to institute change and reform. Thanks to my mother I am sensitive but that worked against me, for I became very passionate in defense of my views, in the beliefs that I form on my own. Taking only from the vats of information what I think to be correct for my own world, accepting no hearsay or the likes. So when authority would try and control I would react most passionately against the forces trying to hamper my free spirit through threat or intimidation. I stood up to authority, I truly have always questioned everything for myself. My father recently said to me regarding a personal situation of mine, "Why should I give you an opinion, you only listen to yourself, you only act on your own mind, you have always been this way." And this is both my blessing and my curse. By thirteen years old I was in all kinds of trouble. I stood staunchly against authority. School bored me as well as angered me. Learning in a brick building for half my childhood never appealed to me. Listening to preachers or teachers, who purported their view, and trying to please them to be graded in a skewed hierarchy, was not for me. Rebels were treated especially harsh, as the school system has built in punishment to repress the free spirit. I, for example, believed that one could not learn about the world without touching it and gaining first hand knowledge of how it works, based on personal observation, making personal decisions for ones self. Confined to brick buildings for the majority of the day, and then further confined to study, was in direct opposition to my view. I evaded school. It was easy, you only had to pass tests created by teachers with skewed views, and with a degrading grading scale. I showed up for exams and always did the readings, I did not feel it necessary to attend on a daily basis and thus I did not. Instead I went and touched the world on my own, creating my own opinions, applying the information in my texts to my own interpretation of the world, constantly running into bizarre situations. For I believe I am equal to all men in conceptualizing the world around me and that no one's view is right or wrong or better or worse, than another's. I do in fact believe in individualism. I find conformity in any form to be counter productive to the growth of the free spirit. I find the institutions and individuals who purport conformity to be counter productive as well. When forced to attend school I opposed these types of control, fighting all those who tried to impose force or thought control. I mention force control because the punishments inflicted to enforce conformity, are often of a violent nature to a child. I was smacked around and I smacked back. I personally find physical abuse or mental abuse to enforce conformity appalling, if your ideal is so right, why do you have to become violent to enforce it, why can you not persuade with logic. Thus, when attacked with threats supported with pseudo logic, I became passionately and very visibly upset. I still defend those things which I believe in, passionately. But in my youth I challenged authority directly, daring it to try and change me. The more control applied, the more I resisted or rebelled. Home life was in as great a disarray, the middle of five children, a unique family. My parents are my role models, they are where I learned to think and believe for myself, to let no one influence my pure and innate thoughts. Not even them. My parents sought to gain control over their lives when they were young, they used psycho-therapy as their method. Currently, over 20 years later, they still maintain a good diet of therapy. They had troubled youths, with over authoritarian parents that they needed to break free of to have healthy mental growth. They were very honest and open about their childhood experiences with their children, as they were constantly fighting to overcome the effects their parents have on them. Because they were learning that it was this force and thought control from parents, in which love has conditions used to manipulate the child's mind, that was hurting them; they choose not to pass these diseases to their children. They did not use their love against us, instead they insisted on proving that their love for us had no conditions. Unconditional love, love that does not lie or hurt, but heals and soothes. Love that can always be counted on through thick and thin. Love was never with held to gain control or used to force us to conform, it was a constant. In regard to my life, they did not know what to do, they were learning what to do for their own lives at that point. They did try the traditional methods of punishments at first with me, but I was defiant to punishment. They would have had to expire my life to force me to accept their rule, I defied punishment, as I defied the rules which led to the initial punishment. By the time I was punished for the original "crime", I was being punished for breaking the punishment. I seemed to be grounded or in school detention for most of my childhood. My parents did not try and change my thinking, they were only trying to find ways to protect me from the dangers. I was walking on the edge. Frustrated in their efforts as most become when trying to conform me, my parents immediately turned to therapy to try and help. I was putting in an hour a week at 7 years old. I loved therapy, it was about the only time I was not attacked for my independence. Therapy did wonders at enforcing my beliefs in myself, but it seemed to do little at the time at curtailing my behavior to the norm. Family life and school life were beyond helter-skelter, I did not adjust well to being institutionalized within these structures. I loved my family, yet in my mind I still viewed parents as part of the population trying to impose on my life. And now I had the additional stigma of therapy. I really have never cared much what insignificant others thought of my life or me, and thus from seven on I was shocking everyone telling them that I was in therapy. My friends parents were a little scarred. At thirteen, it was apparent that I had not forward momentum left within these institutions. The system was wearing me down, the more I struggled to be myself, the more I was restricted freedom through punishments. Life was at one of it's most miserable points I have ever experienced, confinement and attacks on my free spirit made me rage. I had taken on every institution I was placed in, nobody could tell who won, all I know was there was a tremendous amount of damage inflicted to both sides. I began to trust no one over the age of 30, I felt adults had already conformed to the norm and rebels were either locked within the system somewhere or dead. I was beginning to see my fate within a system I could never adopt to. Life was at a critical point and I was often unsure if I wanted to continue the process of breathing. In other words it felt as if authority were slowly chocking my life's breathe from me. You can see my parents grave situation, they would not give up on me, remember their love was unconditional, and I tested the boundaries. It was at this point they realized that therapy alone would not do the trick. My father took me to see his psychoanalyst, Dr. Erwin Angres, and he recommended that I be removed entirely from my current settings. It would be suicide to keep me within the same environment. This was a tremendous ultimatum to my parents, I am sure they felt that somehow my behavior represented their efforts. They felt that they had come up short. I felt it was not them at all, but the problem was inherent in a system that allowed little room for independence3. When I was informed I was being sent away, I immediately grew paranoid that the system and my parents were out to get me. It is a strange feeling for a child to feel that he is being abandoned because he is different. A direct attack on individualism, creating a severe and often devastating and unconquerable stigma that you are not accepted or wanted by the norm. You are labeled an outcast, a delinquent, a misfit, and are being shipped off to be institutionalized. And you should get out and see the institutions created by society for children like myself. They are hell. I was carted around the country to a variety of institutions which seemed more like prison to me. THe children are confined, punishments in these hells can be severe, isolation treatments etc... When these seemed to fail, the more sedative methods of drug therapy were imposed, creating zombies. Children who wander about almost void of consciousness, what really seemed to be missing were their spirits. This does not make for the prettiest picture. My parents seemed as appalled to these institutions as I was, thank g-d, and could not place me in them. They did not just want to ship me off to evade the problem, they wanted me to change for the better, not be a zombie. But this is a reality of most institutions created by the system to handle those children who do not step in line to the same drummer. You can see that the institutions are merely a holding tank for societies misfits, and have no intended program to institute change or freedom. Bottled up in these hells are many of societies children, children whose futures are retarded forever from these dungeons. If they ever get out of these institutions, they normally wind up in worse, for they are not taught how to integrate their individualism within societies conformity. They emerge either very angry at the system or totally removed from the system. Then there was a small school which my parents described to me as more like a camp with bi-weekly therapy. I had just broken my leg in a motorcycle accident, and packed to go. I can put in words here the many emotions that ripped through me. I felt hate and rejection, I was amazed that I was really being sent away at such a young age. I felt like I was going on my last trip as a free man as I boarded the plane to New York. You can see that I was a good delinquent. And I guess that would be my introduction to Grove School in Madison Connecticut. An elderly man, younger than any of the children in spirit, and a little light in mind, ran the show or circus. After I had met Jack Davis for the first time, he pulled me aside and said "It looks like you have had great success in getting into trouble, way over your head. Have you ever thought what a great success you would be if you directed all that negative energy into positive energy." Those words have echoed in mind since, they were a turning point in my life. Jack had won me over using simple logic, no attack on spirit. I knew I liked Jack and thus felt comfortable with the school. I stayed that day. And I could write a play on the cast of characters at Grove, both staff and students, the shrinks in particular. This school had no brick buildings looking like a hospital. On the surface it looked like any ordinary American neighborhood. There were no bars or gates or rooms for torture. Most of the kids looked like kids, they were having fun, more fun than my old friends and I. I wondered where the establishment was, how had this place hidden from society. The houses looked like nice wooden homes, the mess hall looked like a giant house, everybody seemed so normal despite their differences. My parents left and I cried hard, a kid came over. His name was Mitch Welsch, he was very shy and withdrawn, but he came over and asked if I wanted a tour. My tears quickly were replaced with joy. There was; go-carting, baseball, basketball, movies, skiing trips, canoeing trips, hiking trips, a boat for fishing and one for water skiing, concerts, a clown club (I was already a magician doing home shows, and this was great), trips out of state to see all kinds of things, weekend off with a place to go, late privileges upon request. So where were the punishments? Mitch explained that privileges were basically free, but you could lose them, there were of course rules. What kind of rules I asked. He explained, you could not; fight, do drugs, leave campus without permission, miss classes (but he assured me that class was so fun you really did not want to miss), and basically try not to get caught in the mischief that 84 boys can create. In other words, if you were just decent, the place was like Disney Land. Within days I was so socially busy I began to adjust to the environment, I made many friends. My friend was right, the school was great, it actually was better than home. Each home had approximately ten kids and two live in staff. The staff was composed mainly of local graduate students doing there thesis' and the likes. Then there were 4 heads of staff which rotated nights and weekends and where in charge of any major outbreaks. Jack was the mad ring leader, crazier than any kid attending. The staff was genuinely warm and friendly, they worked with all kids equally, and did not deny freedom of expression. The staff also taught classes and thus our teachers were our friends. We were constantly learning with them, as well as, playing with them. Let me draw on my mathematics class as an example. Ken Clark was my teacher, he was a bit crazy. He had an idea for class one day, since he had heard that a bunch of grad students were reviewing our facilities as part of their course work. We were to run a class based on behavioral psychology techniques, he said that was the new age of psychology. We were instructed that when they came in we were to act as if we were slightly mad, only slightly. He would then tell the grad students to see how well we had learned our homework, and would give us some simple tests. When they entered the class we were prepared for a lesson in behavioral psychology. Ken went around asking us basic questions like 3*3 and when we would respond correctly he would shove an M&M in our mouths, or he would throw them up and we would try and catch them. If we missed a question he made us wear a giant dunce cap and sit in the corner with our thumbs in our mouth. He then asked us harder questions and when we answered correctly, he would tilt the overhead projector light on us and we went nuts. The grad students were stunned and asked what was happening. Ken informed them that he had trained us to love the happy light. Finally Ken taught us the lesson of Einstein's SNIFF. I will leave a bit of room here to illustrate: The graduate students were slightly confused for we truly made it believable, despite it's absolute insanity. About three weeks later while in that same class, there was a page throughout the school for our math class, including our teacher. Dick Freslone, one of the super staff (a duplicate of Mussolini) was calling us to his home, which was never a pretty sight. When we arrived he looked furious, he asked if we new why were at his door. We all proclaimed ignorance. He proceeded to explain that some of the students who had visited the other week had chosen to write on a particular strange method of behavioral psychology being applied at the Grove school, the happy light, and it's remarkable success. He again, asked us if we knew. We denied once more, and he proceeded to describe the entire events. We were busted. Ken volunteered to take full responsibility, as it was his idea. All of the sudden Dick Freslone did something very rare, he cracked up. It was truly a lesson in behavioral psychology. Then there was therapy, and a variety of therapists to handle the variety of differences in our natures. We teased the hell out of these poor guys. My shrink Lori Sereda, seemed to handle the majority of the trouble makers. Some days we ganged up on him, to make his entire day miserable. We would all come in complaining that we were seeing pink elephants, and would insist on it for the entire session. He was throwing all of us out, finally, he snuck out and left. The next week we pushed it further and told him we were seeing naked floating girls, he got really pissed and exploded. We felt like we had a victory, driving the shrink crazy, was in fact very challenging, but as a group he stood no chance on his own against us. Now there were some definite problems between the town kids and what they called the Grovies when I arrived. At times the townies would pick on the younger or more distant kids from Grove, and beat them up and tease them and call them psycho's and the likes. The first time I saw this, I was amazed. One of the kids came back from town terrorized by some town kids. I insisted that justice must be served and that revenge was a must, I formed a large group of rowdies. We went into town on our bikes with vengeance, when we found the guilty townies we served justice. I had a broken leg and we had put a larch wrench in my cast. When they called us crazy, I pulled out the wrench and told them that I was not crazy, I had only killed my family. You should have seen their faces as we charged like a pack of psycho's, they ran, leaving behind their bikes, which we turned into parts. We left victorious. The next day our group was paged to Freslone's house, police cars surrounded. We were busted, they were mainly looking for the guy with the cast, who had killed his entire family. The whole school was grounded from town until the heat died down. We snuck out that night and went back into town to find the guys we had terrorized. When we found them we explained our position, they had provoked the whole thing. When we told them the truth about why we were at Grove, for things like rebelling on teachers with force, they loved us. We became friends, one of the first time townies and Grovies were friends. The next day they came over to the school and explained the situation to Freslone, who removed the school grounding. Over my two years I developed with my Grovie buddies some great friendships with townies, as well as some great girl friends. We would request late privileges to go out with our girlfriends and their parents, and if we had not gotten into too much trouble they were granted. At 13, 14 and 15, not many kids had these kinds of privileges, it was easy to be good. These were glorious days, the misery of the past could be analyzed without living in continual misery. I learned quickly how to prosper from being good within an environment that allowed creativity and individualism. It would have impossible to try and change all of us to be normal, instead Grove taught one to be proud of our uniqueness. We were not labeled. Most of us were not drugged. We were aware that we had problems integrating with the norm, but we all had one thing in common, we were good in heart, messed up on the outside. Labeling us would have had detrimental affects on our mental self confidence and self worth, thus Grove was kept a school, not an institution. All the kids seemed to accept their problems and we expressed ourselves openly without fear of being attacked. When someone was depressed and down, he had a lot of people who understood and helped, instead of mocked or degraded. Problems were overcome in this manner. I have to throw in an example, to show the positive affect these events had on our lives. Mitch Welsch as I had mentioned was very shy and withdrawn, a mama's boy. He was afraid of his shadow and when it came to women, he did not even show up. Another good friend of ours, David Arkules and I knew exactly what he needed. He needed to remove the clothes his mother had purchased for him, and free his spirit up a little. I owed it to him for my opening tour, and he would have forever remained in his shell had not drastic action been taken. David and I, decided to force him to dress in ripped jean shorts and a cool shirt, at first he resisted but this was one of those times I felt force control was for the benefit of the free spirit. We took him to the beach to meet girls. He was a wreck, we forced him to talk to so many girls. We gave him our shittiest lines. Slowly he loosened up, he began to find himself, he began to actively and aggressively begin to seek friendships. These are still very apparent aspects of his personality today. He forever freed himself from what had confined his free spirit. Forever he will be happier and free. By the way, about 3 months later he had found himself a girlfriend, I believe his mother was appalled. Who were these kids who were corrupting her baby boy? I was very compassionate to all of the kids at the school, I had a great sense of what was troubling them. I could see through the noise and confusion of their words, I heard their pain, I felt their hurt, I was many peoples friend. I loved solving mental problems, it was a hobby, similar to magic. By journeying through my own life and understanding myself and my actions, I learned a great deal about others, I still do. The journey through my inner struggle began at Grove and has never stopped. I began to work through my life and analyzing what had gone wrong, this showed me how to adjust in the future. The process of change is very difficult, being that it is easier to deny change is necessary versus admitting faults and initiating change. Digging through painful memories of hellish times and to criticize your behavior, no matter if you were acting according to your beliefs. Constantly justifying the others actions by understanding what had motivated them, I learned that compassion ruled. Instead of feeling angry at the world, I began to understand the world and the effect I had on it, the effect I had on others. I began to see why I had to be removed from normal settings, why I had so much friction with authority, and why my parents had sent me away. I felt that I wanted to be back home but not at the expense of my free spirit. I could never return until I could find away to adjust to the norm, to not stand in such direct confrontation. Grove was a great learning experience, the lessons forever changing and shaping me. Grove allowed the children to develop without the fear of rejection for our uniqueness. We learned not only about ourselves but about so many others. I became familiar with the struggles of children who felt confined within society, I learned how they had become that way, the pasts they had endured. I experienced first hand the process of change, and I watched it happening all around me. I guess it is easier to share your fears and anxieties, with others all suffering from the same affliction, than to stand alone, an outcast. All these outcasts, all children, all alone, we found strength in our common thread. When you entered the school your self confidence and self worth were basically shattered, you were being sent out of society, an outcast, and there is one hell of a stigma attached. One of the beauties of Grove was that it was not defined legally or socially as an institution. There is a dramatic difference in the way the we would have felt about ourselves had we been labeled as being institutionalized. Grove stood out from all the rest in this sense, and the atmosphere of the school was far different than institutions I was going to be sent to, such as Brown or Devoro. Grove was not a state funded or state mandated school, it was privately funded. I can only state that I do not think I would personally survived any state run hell holes. As I toured the circuit of institutions nationwide I told my parents to forget me if they sent me to a place like those, I told them I would be on the next break from the joint, and or just kill ,myself. I was not kidding, and they by the luck of g-d did not like them either and so they continued the search. It was when we had seen enough that we heard about Grove, and when it was described to me I could not believe it, sounded like a country club atmosphere with two weekly therapy sessions. I was scared. I was upset. I promised for the zillionth time that I would be good. I cried. I begged. I was enraged. I was upset. I hated life. I hated the world. I felt unfairly treated. I felt an outcast. I felt pain. I could not believe I was really being sent away from my family and friends. I was destined not to make it work, I hated the thought, and what do I tell everyone, how do I explain? I trusted no one, I hated my parents, I hated authority more than most may ever feel. Paranoid that no one could be trusted, I felt very alone in my own world, I still have a slight residual distrust for most of the human race. Although Grove had a great atmosphere, I still wanted to return home, to be accepted as normal. I knew I could never change my natural disposition of rebellion, I had to alter my methods. Instead of letting the "system" get my goat, exciting my anger and passion, when pseudo logic failed to persuade me to believe, I would instead argue fiercely my point of view and walk away when logic failed. My past was plagued with examples of lack of self confidence in myself, due to the attacks on my free spirit, on my different opinion of the world around, my opposition to the norm, I would have to overcome these negative self images if I were to integrate back into society in a positive way. Since my attitude had not been altered, my strategies would have to change. I began experimenting with a variety of methods to express my feelings, my opinions, my difference, in a positive form. Grove taught us to accept our differences from the norm, never attempting to mold and shape us. We were forced to mold and change ourselves, therapy being the primary method which encouraged these self transformations. Due to our youth we were not hardened in our past states, we were open to change, unless it was demanded and forced on us. Therapy forced us to recognize change was necessary, once this was accepted we began the process of asking why the change was necessary, and why we had adapted wrong in the first place. These are painful questions to challenge, especially about ones self, it is much easier to deny the problem exists and project the blame on anything else. Masters of denial and manipulation in our pasts, attempts at defending our problems, the hardest part of therapy was tearing down our defense systems. Once the barrier was broken we would begin to investigate the past in a new light, seeing the problems And "Blind fool. You psycho-suicidal creature of fright, hide not, for I can see deep within the demented corridors you call your private thought. Your denials, my conformations. Forgotten you claim, lost somewhere in your brain, a facade of comfort your answer remains. Are the hidden and dark corners of your life, the controlling forces of your essence. Your personality not really you, but the frightened child that never matures." A monster had been born. A child. A child capable of changing the course of childhood forever. This quote coming from his cell, at the tender age of eight. Anger and rage emanated from birth, dominating his every action. His quest for truth, a rare form of analyzing interpersonally, without the aid of interpreters. The problems that ensued this paranoid psychotic mind, the problems we now live with, are the annals that follow. The 60's revolution had been suppressed completely, or so we thought, and the system seemed to be running smoothly. Project "Big Brother" a statement of what the Intelligence community had the power to do, had been running almost 30 years smoothly. The common folks inhabiting the earth, had no idea how complex it had become, those that did could be isolated and destroyed. By 1985, the threat of the "Juvenile Revolution," had been erased. Children had completely become intoxicated with the poisonous traps we had laid, the propaganda we had formulated to support the system, accepted without fight. The idea of infiltrating the mind from birth with propaganda, a complete success. Conceptually, mind war, was best played on infant psyches. Helpless the mind laid in infancy, once matured it was a much greater battle to make change to it. If the infants mind could be manipulated from birth to accept without question, then revolution would have the uphill battle to fight in the future. A massive effort began to thwart childhood independence, the tools seemed endless, fighting a war against infants seemed monstrously simple. The thesis of our efforts centered on National security, these children could overthrow hundreds of years of progress, in what appeared the right direction. We could not deny the Revolution had begun, Vietnam brought it center court, the whole damn country seemed to be in a civil war. A civil war between children and parents. Without their compliance, or the next generations compliance, our country could never have stayed in business. Impossible to run the economy, when the children are in the parks making love to each other on LSD. Trying to create equality amongst the people, a concept that economically was unfeasible. Already a nuisance to the profitability of the nation, this revolution would lead to the end of Nam, where were we going to replace the incredible profits of opium? The military had only Korea to keep them in business since II, it simply was nowhere near profitable enough to keep them in business for the next 20 years. Crushing the Revolution became a major part of military strategy, all this Love could not be tolerated. Their weapon we named Purple Haze, it meant any sort of drug to escape the establishment, later Jimmy Hendrix broke the code to the meaning, we assassinated him. The Underground had exploded this Revolution overnight, it's disorganized development, was its greatest asset, impossible to predict. No established rules or regulations, Abbey Hoffman type spokespersons, rock and roll to shut of our communications. And another's thought eXTra Care Extra care is the ability to give in, to win through losing in any male/female relationship. Within today's gender roles, one can only find huge discrepancies prevailing between the thinking of the sexes. These societal influences which separate men and women on so many mental and emotional levels, are not innate differences, they are created for you to fulfill. Thus, sexual beliefs and therefore your own sexuality are transferred into consciousness by masking over our inner beliefs with societal beliefs. Finally then, it can not be said that differences between men and women exist mentally innate from birth. Look closely at the evolution of mankind. Upon looking closely you will not find the, kind, to refer to care. It is a selfish name for a species, and incredibly disrespectful to the female members. Do you find that humiliating and embarrassing? Being a woman historically has equaled being another slave in the kingdom of man. How many women wrote the bible passages? this is not a joke. How many women wrote the passages for the constitution? How many women conquerors? Women have just historically been imposed upon by the rule of men, often not even considered. And A Dream of a Dream In bursts of light, Deep within my brain, I see your face, It eases my pain. A surreal void, Comes dancing to life; I see your face, I can hear your voice. So close to the light, I can taste your scent, I shut my eyes tight, To refresh it again. Illusions are grand, When one can see, What appears so real, But is yet a dream. So strange the dream, That comes from light, The dead come dancing back to life, In little bubbles of optical delight. You’ve seen them before, When you close your eyes tight, These little dreams of clear light, What drives these delusions? Love might. You appear in the center And remain through the night. And So many years have passed. So many sites, scenes and changes have enveloped my life. Here I sit, the father of two, and I still seek comfort. I will never be comfortable, I have conceded to a state of turmoil over this or that. So many things to concern myself with and I don't want to give a shit about any of them and yet I awake each morning attacking them. I wonder if the change has stolen a certain element of my person or have I not found a new body, after leaving a rotting corpse. Do you feel the ever pressing compromise of your values, do you wonder what, if any, of those values are really your own? The person I am has in essence become the person I have been shaped to be. Shaped by a society who has mastered intellectual manipulation of the human consciousness. Barraged by assaults on my self, on my uniqueness, I have shaped a totally different psyche. I just wonder if it is my own? Is your own, your own? What matters to me most does not really matter, and that is the greatest selling job, the sale of my soul. Free choice was forced upon me and the options had a limit. If I had my way I would have started a revolution long ago. I am afraid if we force the psyche of the rebel to conform, have we not subdued the change that drives the human spirit? We would still have slavery and kings, were it not changed by rebel spirits. Sure the establishment has always wanted to create a subdued and submissive conscience, but has it finally won? Never before in history, has the mind been so propagandized that it has lost time to think for itself. No need to think for yourself anymore, just copy the current fashion, and you're in. When fashion changes, you change. Market deep within the infant psyche, attach to that image any set of values, good or bad, and you have droids or Hitler youth. In the last 100 years, we have nurtured the power to alter the children's minds. Products, religions, sex, are bombarded at us from birth from this or that angle And I DON’T FEAST ON BEASTS I will not eat cow,
I will not,
cannot, eat a snail. You will not see me lickin' |